made to feel guilty about my twin pregnancy...

Jodi - posted on 09/27/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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So, the same day I found out we were having twins, my husband's cousin miscarried. (I was not even aware she was pregnant and did not know she had miscarried until about a week or so later.)
Then I find out, that a few days before we found out we were having twins, another one of my husband's cousins found out her baby had died at her ultrasound. (Again, I had no idea she was even pregnant and found this info. out the same time as the above info.)

I am a huge facebooker, and now I guess, behind my back some of the in-laws are calling me insensitive and that I shouldnt' facebook anything about the twins to spare their feelings. I havn't put anything about the twins on facebook since I found out, and only passing comments about pregnancy hormones/swollen feet when other people post to my status's asking about it.

This doesn't seem fair to me! I am trying to be sensitive and not bring it up, but I will be finding out the genders soon and I want ot facebook it as I have family all around the globe literally, and facebook is a great way to keep people updated. BUT, I don't want the in-laws saying bad things about me behind my back just because I am excited to be pregnant!

I guess I'm looking for support...and what would you do? Nothing has been facebooked about his cousin's tragedies and I'm not sure I'm supposed ot know, we're not "close" and I don't know if I should apologize via private message or just keep quiet???? It makes me feel bad that they lost their babies and I'm having two...

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Heather - posted on 09/27/2010

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Is there anyway you can send your cousins a message and ask them if it would bother them? Let them know that you don't want to make their loss worse, but you want to keep people up to date with your situation? Your cousins might not even be upset by your posts, just others, and you can quiet them by telling them that you spoke with your cousins and they are fine with it...

Christine - posted on 09/27/2010

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I have kinda been in this situation only on the other side., We went through a lot to get our twins including failed tries. Several of my friends who knew we were trying, got pregnant and knowing I might be upset if I found out from someone else. Told me before they posted to facebook. It did kinda hit close to home because of the problems we were having but I was very happy for them.

Everyone does take losing a baby differently and it is up to them on how they do that. Your in laws may no be really aware of how the members of the family who lost the babies feel. I suggest writing these women and telling them you are sorry and that even though you do not understand what they are going for you love them (if you don't know them well, then that you are thinking of them) but that you are happy about the babies and let them tell you if something is affecting them badly. Just make sure you explain that you are facebooking it because you have many family far away that you want to keep in the loop. (We had no choice but to do this as my husband is military so we have no one close by so I know the feeling)

Cat - posted on 09/27/2010

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I forgot actually, I think there's a way to put them on limited profile, which means they would still be on your list but wouldn't be able to see statuses or wall posts

Cat - posted on 09/27/2010

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That is a tough situation! Is there any way to block them temporarily on Facebook? I think that's what I'd do... I know that it must be a sensitive situation but, they're family and they should be trying to be sensitive to BOTH of you... As much as she deserves compassion you deserve to be able to share with your other friends and family your good news.... I think you should just block them for a month or so, sort of a grieving period for them, then unblock them... If they then still complain or are upset by your updates, maybe just consider removing them from your list completely... You deserve support not negativity, so congrats, from me!

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Jodi - posted on 09/28/2010

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Thanks ladies! I think I just needed to know that I wasn't over reacting in thinking it was a bit unfair towards me!

Donna - posted on 09/27/2010

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if it were me in yur shoes i'd take who ever has a problem with yur posts off of myfacebook. keep posting shit about your pregnancy, im sure if one of his cousins has a prob they would address you, take you off of their face book or just grin and bear it. thats my best advice

Iridescent - posted on 09/27/2010

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Check if it bothers them. If it does, request that they click on a status of yours on their Home feed, click the X and hide you until they are able to deal with it. You shouldn't need to change anything at all, and this gives them total control. There are many options available for situations such as this, people simply need to know how to use them. As far as being called insensitive, you're not. You're doing the same as anyone else would and have every right to be happy.

Kristina - posted on 09/27/2010

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It's not like you're Facebooking stuff to make them feel bad. Seriously, it's unfortunate that tragedies like this happen, but why should you have to hide your own happy feelings? They can block you if they don't want to see your status updates. The rest of your friends/family have every right to see it and you have every right to talk about it.
I had a miscarriage in January, and I FB'd it because I'd told so many people I was pregnant. Everyone deals with their losses differently, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world has to walk on eggshells for fear of offending them.

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