telling the twins who is oldest

[deleted account] ( 52 moms have responded )

I have along with my husband not to tell the girls who was born first

until they are 21 any one else agree or disagree with this idea

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Barbara - posted on 08/28/2009

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Huh - it never occurred to us to keep that a secret. I'm curious as to why you would keep it a secret, and why 21 would be the magical age for granting this knowledge. Not that there's anything wrong with it, & it's totally your decision, but if they really want to know, they could find it on their birth certificates which they'll need for their driver's licenses when they're 15, 16, 17 - whatever age you allow them that privilege. My 7yo twin boys have always known that J was born 2 minutes before T - it's never been any source of problem of any kind, just a fact of their birth. It seems a little bit like holding something out on them, and they could become frustrated and resentful over something as minor as who took their first breath of air. At the time of the "big reveal" it may not be that monumental to them (not as monumental as going to a bar & ordering that 1st legal drink, anyway). Reading through the other responses, maybe it's a girl thing - I can see how since girls play 'house', the older one takes charge as the Mommy & the younger one has to play Baby & that's upsetting, but I've never had a problem with my boys being concerned about who's older & who's younger. Now if your twins were born on either side of midnight (different dates of birth), THAT would be an interesting scenario!

Cynthia - posted on 08/28/2009

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I told my twin boys who was born first because they asked. And they were about 5 almost 6 when they asked. They didn't have a problem with it. They were quite happy with what I told them. Being a couple minutes apart and being that my second twin came out breech they both felt they were special when they were born. Jonathan came first and Christopher came out backwards. Christopher just laughed. And now they let everyone know. They are proud of it.

Wendy - posted on 08/27/2009

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I think that is a choice every mother and father have to make regaurding their twins. I told my girls who was born first because they asked me one day, it doesn't bother them at all in fact they love to tell people who was born first and who is the "baby"

Kelli - posted on 08/27/2009

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I am a twin and also a Mom, I am just curious why you do not want to tell them who is oldest. I always knew I was older then my sister by 5 minutes, but didn't really give it a second thought, we were always the same age and the minutes didn't give me a leg up.

[deleted account]

My twins are now 20 years old. Baby B was born first and Baby A was born second, b/c of C-Section, so they both receive the glory of being 'older', they were born one minute apart, but due to an error on their birth certificate it looks as if they were born 12 hrs apart (they inadvertently placed an A.M. instead of a P.M.) that's a big joke too, b/c then Baby A would have been born first, which would be impossible b/c he was literally under/behind Baby B.
We have never had any conflict and yes that question comes up "Who's the oldest" constantly. Baby A, the youngest has always been the dominate one and Baby B has always followed behind. We never thought of holding that info from them b/c they are number 3 and 4 in birth order,and as I said..that question is always raised.."Who is the oldest?"

Amanda - posted on 08/20/2009

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My husband and I have also decided not to say who is older. Although it is in their baby books and if they ever looked it would be easy for them to find out. I guess if it come to them looking for them selves I would not stop it but I can't see that happening for some time. They are only three months old now.

Kayleigh - posted on 08/20/2009

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in most cases one twin becomes more dominant than the other anyway, i think its upto your self wen you tell them! although as the get older they may start to ask alot more. i can imagine it would be strange not knowing if your older or younger than your brother or sister!? although if they've never known it may not make a difference. i agree with others that its totally down to personaly choice, although i think they may tray and pester you to tell them as they get a little older

Kelle - posted on 08/20/2009

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Christine, I like your way of thinking hahaha.

While I was pregnant, before knowing it was twins, I was hoping for a boy (although I "felt" like it was a girl). I wanted a boy first because I like the whole "older brother looking over his younger sister" thing. Although I never had any brothers so I dont know how likely that would be anyways. After we found out it was g/b twins, my fiance said if the boy was born first we would let them know.. but if the girl was born first we were never going to tell them that. It was all joking but anyways. My girl is older by 6minutes. I dont plan on hidding that from them which I dont think would be easy to do if I tried. My girl is the dominate one already so what difference would it make... no matter who was dominate. We joke that she is dominate because she is currently smaller by about 2lbs and just a petite little girl... so she has to stand up for herself.

Christine - posted on 08/20/2009

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Interesting idea. I don't know that you'd be able to hold out that long only because doctors, schools, etc. ask specifically who the older child is. Our boys were preemies so I like to tell them it depends on how you look at it! Baby A was born first and was here 1 minute earlier. BUT Baby B could also be the oldest because they were preemies (born at 32 weeks) they are born negative - therefore baby b spend 1 minute longer in the whom.

Net - posted on 08/19/2009

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iam the oldest of identical twin s me and my sister have all ways know who was born first and we are 38 years old.as we got older people would ask us who is the oldest and because are mum had always told us we could answer there questions. people will ask them alot of questions school teachers friends so the more info you can give them the happier they will be when giving answers.

Nikki - posted on 08/14/2009

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i tottali agree dori as a young mom of 11 month old b g twins i dont see how 3 minnits could make a diffrence they share the same birthday aither way but each to there own i say but even at 11 months old we say sometimes to our son wer is your big sisster or to our doughter wer is your little brother so there used to th idia very young and there verrrrry close though my doughter is th dominant one

Dori - posted on 08/13/2009

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I don't understand why you are choosing to keep it a secret until they are 21. I personally think that seems to be putting great emphasis on something that really shouldn't be a big deal. I am the mother of two sets of twins, both boy and girl. My oldest two are now 30 and its always been a bit of a joke that our oldest daughter was born one minute before our oldest son. To this day she signs his cards "your older sister". Its one of the many things they share as twins that makes them even closer. He swears she was born first because she kicked him out of the way. It always makes all of us laugh when they banter about this and they love bantering about it!

Nikki - posted on 08/13/2009

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not meaning to sound rood or offend any one in any way but wot diffrence would it realy make our b g twins are 11 months we cant hide th fact that one is 3 min older as every one always asks so y shouldent they know? every one should do whot they feel is right in my twins i belive i cant hide it and there is not a madger diffrence and my lil g was born 1st and at 11 month old is dimanding and rules th roost so dont think it will com as a shock to her brother he was born 2nd. wen i go to th doctors they always ask and my son wasent ready to be born but my doughter was at 7 weeks prem i mother my son wer as my little girl is so idependant and has been walking 4a month now so though twins are uniqu they are also individuals hens my belife of telling them who was born 1st good luck every one nikki tom and aya

Jennifer - posted on 08/11/2009

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not sure if I agree or disagree with this, but I can tell you that I am really annoyed with my mother in law because she makes a HUGE deal about which one of my boys is older...they are only a minute apart and were born c-section so it was whoever they grabbed first was going to be the oldest. I don't think it will really matter if they know who is older, it just isn't a big deal

Heather - posted on 08/10/2009

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We have told the girls who is older. They are 3 1/2 Baby A is much smaller (10 # and 4 inches) That is her claim to fame. She is two minutes older that baby B. So they both are big sisters to each other (one older, one bigger) It stops arguments because sometimes the older goes first sometimes the bigger goes first.

Venetia - posted on 08/10/2009

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i don't see why they cannot know now after all it only how far apart they were, not as if it something really important, my twins b/g have always known from the start how far apart they were and how they were born too.

Kaye - posted on 08/08/2009

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I am a twin and I have twins. I was told I was the youngest by 15 minutes and my twins were 5 minutes apart. It did not bother my sister and myself. My twins are 30 years old and it did not make a difference to them. I always thought birth order was important, even for twins. I was the second twin and I could always claim the baby girl role. I loved it. We were often asked, "Who is older?" Our response, "Who do you think?" When asked how it felt to be a twin, we would repond " How does it feel not to have a twin?" I hope this helps.

Ellen - posted on 08/08/2009

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I absolutely one hundred and ten percent agree with you! My boys are 12 and still don't know. I think that it will just create havok and then the whole pecking order begins! So i agree totally! Maybe when they are 18 or 21 but not before then!

Nikkita - posted on 08/07/2009

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My identical twin girls are 2 months old now, but I never really thought about not telling them. They were only 20 seconds apart, and are the youngest of 5, so either way, they are still the babies :-).

Pauline - posted on 08/07/2009

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Hello I have told my twins who was born first. I have no troubles because they both balance up when they say the youngest is taller. So we make it equal.

Cynthia - posted on 08/07/2009

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I have identical twin boys and am not telling them unless they ask. They were born during an emergency c-section literally so close together it doesn't matter to me. I hated the whole twin "A" twin "B" thing.

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

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I don't understand what the big deal is about telling them who was older. they are still the same age. I think it would only be an issue if you actually treated the "older" one different. If they are treated the same and have to take turns, it shouldn't really matter who was first. Besids, you may want to think about how your twins will feel when you refuse to tell them. and unless you 2 are the only ones who know, someone is bound to tell them, so it might as well be you, then it can be explained the way you want it too.

Sydni - posted on 08/07/2009

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I'm also having twins a boy and girl. If they ask I will let them know who was born first but you, can tell them when ever you want that is totaly up to you and not anyone else. These are your girls so if you think it would be best to tell them later than you tell them when you are ready.

Amy - posted on 08/07/2009

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I have b/g twins and I haven't even thought about it. I do know that we are asked every time we go to a specialist or a doctor. I don't think I could hide it from them for that long even if I wanted to. My B twin is a lot smaller and has a lot more medical challenges than the A twin and docs always ask if she is A or B. I don't think it can be avoided in some cases.

Andrea - posted on 08/07/2009

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My twins are 9, they have been told that the eldest born was by 2 mins, but the other was made 2 mins earlier so are the same age, they are happy with the answer. I say it's like getting on a bus the 1st one on is the last one off! But i don't think you should worry too much about it, good luck,

Julie - posted on 08/07/2009

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We have 4 children. The twins (B/G) are the last 2 of them. I had thought of not telling them for the reason of the older bugging the other about it. When they've asked though, I've calmly told them but also explained that it doesn't matter who's older. I have noticed though that since Twin B is the only boy out of our 4 kids, that he gets reminded of it by his twin sometimes. I don't like it when he's made to feel "different" in some way. He's already the only boy with 3 sisters, and is smallest physically. He automatically looks like he's the youngest in our family - even though he's not. It doesn't seem to bother him to the point that he feels discouraged though. He's been raised to have a lot of self-confidence in who he is on the inside, not where he stands in birth-order.



I can see both sides of the argument. Fortunately our Twin B/only boy is confident enough to stand strong - at least that's what shows on the outside - who knows what he's really dealing with on the inside - I'm sure it bothers him to some degree - and hey, no matter how we're all raised, we could all use a little counselling about our pasts.

Crystal - posted on 08/07/2009

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I've got identical twin girls 10months old. I hadn't really thought about witholding the info - they were born by c-section so though there is 2 minutes difference, they were really born together. However I don't like the way their dad refers to them as 'number 1' and 'number 2' as I couldn't see anything positive to being called number 2. Now they are getting older I have asked him to stop calling them that.; I hadn't even thought any further down the track! I was the oldest child & though you can say 'I'm older', I had a lot more responsibilty that went with that & I 'should know better' than my little sisters who would egg me into a fight. But it doesn't seem like a good thing to be 2nd so I spose its the way of explaining it that makes 1 think they are superior.

Michele - posted on 08/06/2009

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My b/g twins are 14 months - and we are not telling them. I read an article some time ago that seemed to say that them knowing can cause problems. One set of twins I know are almost 30 - and they don't know. They tell me they prefer it that way. I know a B twin who thinks she's too fat and tall because she is the "little" sister. It seems to me that the B twin (from my circle) gets the short end of the stick once they know.

ShaLonda - posted on 08/06/2009

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My boys are 4 years old and they are so use to hearing the famous question.... "Who's the oldest?" So, since my response has always "Jacqson's the oldest by 1 minute!" When asked, "Who's the oldest?" Corey responds.. "My brother, Jacqson is the oldest by 1 minute!"

Amanda - posted on 08/06/2009

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We told our boys that Matthew was 24 minutes older than Michael. It all balanced out because Michael is a little bigger. So Matthew is the oldest, but Michael is the biggest!

Chrisandra - posted on 08/06/2009

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If you're not going to tell them, make sure everyone around you knows not to tell. Family and friends may let the cat out of the bag inadvertently. Not everyone is going to think it is a big deal for them to know. I really don't think you should wait until they are 21. It's kinda like not telling them they are adopted or some other family secret. By waiting they may think there is something wrong with them. With the abundance of twins out there nowadays there will be debate in sometime in their lives.

Katelyn - posted on 08/05/2009

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mine are b/g and my boy is 16mins older i dont think i would not tell them who is older. my husband is a twin both boys and he is the youngest by 10mins and it doesnt bug him at all. i would tell them they share something most kids dont have and they shoud know that they are different but only by mins lol ........or b/g of course.

Joey - posted on 08/05/2009

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We'll be having twins and I hadn't really thought not to tell them who was 1st. It wouldn't really matter because I already have a 17 yr old daughter so neither one gets to be the oldest. I guess all they'll be competing for is who's the middle child and who's the baby.

Chrisandra - posted on 08/05/2009

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My b/g twins (3yrs) are 50 mins apart and we have always let it be known who is older. In fact we encourage our son to be a big brother to his sister. We do this because of their personalities. She is very dominant over her brother, so we let him know that he is older. Always have. I can kinda understand where you're coming from. Their God mothers are twins- less than 5mins apart- and it seems to have caused some trouble(little tiffs here and there) to know who is older. I think it is a personal decision you have to make based on their personalities. If they don't question it, don't tell them. It will come up at some point, just be honest when it does.

[deleted account]

This question has come up a lot lately since my boys have reached school age. Everyone wants to know and I explain that we don't make a big deal about it. They are competitive enough without adding the "I'm older" argument.

Francine - posted on 08/04/2009

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We thought about withholding the information and never really made it a big deal. My twins (FG) will be 5 in October and recently the dominant twin (Baby B - taller and mother hen) decided to start calling her twin her little sister (baby A). I was roped into the conversation and asked directly who is older. i explained they were born on the same day so no one is older. It sank in and then they just moved on to play something else. Baby B still leads A around like she the big sister b/c literally she is 2inches taller. they are content at the moment to be equals so I will see how long that lasts. I don't plan to keep it from them until they are much older - someone said 21? that's would be too hard - everyone knows in my family which is which so they would just ask someone else. We should have that conversation with them not someone else.

Becky - posted on 08/04/2009

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After people ask the boys if they are twins, that is always the next question..."Who is oldest?". They are only 2 minutes apart but my older son loves say "I am". My younger son hates it and thinks it is silly. It never even crossed my mind not to tell them.

Tanya - posted on 08/04/2009

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I just read your reason, above, and thought it was funny. My youngest twin is sweet and proper. However, she bosses her twin and older sister around. Out of our girls, she's the youngest and takes charge of situations. She also tries to boss our son around, who is younger than her. My twins were 2 minutes apart.

Tanya - posted on 08/04/2009

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Huh, I'd never heard of that before. Totally your perogative. What are you going to tell them when they get old enough to ask? We told our girls, now 10, and when ppl ask they tell them.

Tisha - posted on 08/04/2009

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I have twins that are 15 and I told them who was born first. Actually we have their birth professional video taped so they would definately see who was born first. Believe me the one who was born first make sure it is known in this family that she is the first born even though it was by one minute. She claims she is the oldest child. But they love the stories about their birth and weight and time they were born. It is kind of hard to keep it from them.

Danielle - posted on 08/03/2009

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I don't know how you would do it! They always ask at the doctor's office, school, dentist etc. My girls are always with me so, I couldn't imagine how to keep it a secret. My girls are 17 mins apart and it doesn't phase them who was born first or second. At this age you would think they would fight over being older but the younger of the two loves being mommy's baby.

Christy - posted on 08/03/2009

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Mine are 22 month b/g twins. I intend to withhold the information until they are 18 y/o. Mine were born less than 1 minute apart. In my opinion, that fact serves no purpose. The "older" twin is not old enough for it to really matter. It's just another thing they can use to irritate each other.

[deleted account]

some of it comes back to the my sisiter an myself 11 months between us and she is the older one and when growing up was very dominant over me . add to the mix the twins also have an older sister that is very pushy to. the girls have looked in the baby books an think that the know who was born first but we have told them that they where listed alphabectical for the doctors records

Rhonda - posted on 08/03/2009

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My twins, fraternal g/g, are 5 and each know who was born first. When they play in the mirror, they say "I'm the big sister cause I was born first, but you can be the big sister cause you're taller". The only reason why they were told who was born first, because this is one of the top questions everyone, everywhere we go asks, "Are they twins? Who was born first?"

Angela - posted on 08/03/2009

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My twins are 8 and they know who is older I would have never thought of withholding the info. Every time you go to the dr. they ask you. Some of the reasons are medical and others are just curious. For me it made a difference my youngest has several different medical problems and they are typical of the 2nd twin. I am not sure if that is just identical twins or not.Just something for you to think about.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/03/2009

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I've often thought about this myself but then I realized whenever they look at their baby books, they'll know.

[deleted account]

Depending upon the dynamic between your twins, I'm not sure it would matter. With our twins specifically, the more dominant one is the younger one, so there's probably some compensation there.

You may want to re-think waiting until age 21 to tell them though. I'm certain they'll press you for that information before they get to junior high. And don't you think it might bother them that you don't want to entrust them with that information?

In our household we try to treat everyone as an individual, and I make an effort not to refer to the twins as such (we have two singletons as well). Hopefully this mitigates some of the potential conflicts of being born together.

Katrina - posted on 08/03/2009

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Hi Penny, it’s funny that you brought this topic up because my twins just found out who was baby A and baby B a few weeks ago and at first it did cause a little uproar. My girls are 5 and like some of the other mom’s it never crossed our minds to withhold that information. I suppose I would depend on your twins personalities but I can see why that information would not necessarily be beneficial to them. I mean really what difference should it make; my girls were one minute apart. And as soon as she found out my baby A (Isabella), has started lording her seniority over my baby B (Sophia), and it’s quite silly. If Sophia weren’t the dominant twin to begin with I might have concern, but in their relationship it’s really no big deal.

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