The first new member...

Charmaine - posted on 01/19/2009

Hi Tara,

I know what you mean about protecting our children from the hurt we experienced growing up, and still experiencing today. Many things still get to me today, especially trying to understand why my family are the way they are, and do the things they do. I also don't understand how they can't look at my child and see the beautiful little girl I see.

My sister tried to get me to reconcile with my father about 4yrs ago claiming that he understood everything was his fault and wanted to make amends. Whilst I wasn't entirely closed to the idea I did agree to give him my email address. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered his idea of reconciling was justifying everything by saying he shows love via aggression and violence, shortly followed by a lecture about how I wasn't the perfect child and need to accept responsibility for my part. Clearly, nothing had changed. I was still the daughter who needed to be pulled into line and he was the father who was going to do it. Needless to say I was not going to try and defend myself as he clearly had no intention of trying to make things right.

I used to see my friends with their parents and wish my family were like that. I really wanted the extended family for my daughter as my husband is an only child. Unfortunately some family are just not worth knowing.

I have only been part of the Circle of Moms group for about a week but I have to agree with you that it is great in terms of the help and support it can provide. Just after learning how to browse the groups I saw a lot of groups for people whose parents had passed away and was thinking how good it would be to know I wasn't the only one with a dysfunctional family life. Sometimes you wonder if it just you but it is good to know that someone else can relate. Creating the group was definitely a good idea.

Brenda - posted on 01/18/2009

Hello everyone. I lost my mom at 21, I am now 28 with a 3 1/2 year old and a baby due in May and I am going to graduate school to become a school counselor. I live in Missouri and my family is in Texas, so I don't really have much of a relationship with my step father or real father. I was very close to my husband's mom, who we were living with for quite a while, and we lost her very suddenly in 2007 to a heart attack. For me it was like losing my mom all over again. My son was born in 2005, so he knew that grandma for a short time in his life. We moved cross state to be near my husband's father, who he had not seen in seventeen years, so technically now my son does have a set of grandparents in his life, but very infrequently right now. My father in law's wife is in a facility in ohio for massive weight loss (she weighs in excess of 600 pounds), so they don't baby sit or anything because of her absence. So it is sometimes tough especially not having that safety net of the grandparents who'll baby sit when you need it.

Tara - posted on 01/18/2009

OMG.  I know what you mean about striving to be a better parent than your own!  I know that no matter where I lack as a person or a parent, I will never allow my children to go through the things that still sometimes hurt me today.

I'm glad you found ouur little group.  It only started because of one of the other groups, for those who've lost their parents...I wondered where the people in my shoes were, found a cupple people and we discussed starting another group.  I feel like we have so much to talk about.  What a safe place to discuss, learn, lean, heal, and explore.  I love Circle of Moms!

Charmaine - posted on 01/18/2009

Hi Tara,

My name is Charmaine and I live in Sydney, Australia. My husband and I have a beautiful little girl who is almost 6mths.

I think this type of group is a great idea as all the other groups I have seen relate to the death of Parents (Grandparents). It is nice to see there is another group for those of us who had parents who didn't and don't care about anyone other than themselves and lets face it, were crap parents.

A bit about me.... My father was both physically and emotionally abusive (more physical with my brother) and my mother went from being an abused child to an abused wife when she married my father to escape her life. I have not spoken to my Father for 14yrs because I feel I have seen enough violence and heard enough put downs and negativity to last me a lifetime and am at an age where I should not have to put up with my own parents upsetting and hurtful actions and comments. Because my mother did not have the ideal life she wanted she now resents anyone having a life better than her own, even if this means her own children. She has been jealous of my life since I had the courage to move to another state and gained a career. She has held further resentment since I met my husband (because she can't keep anyone long enough to have a relationship) and tried to sabotage my wedding. The last time she spoke to me was via a message on my answering machine whereby she told me I could die for all she cared, all because she found out I was pregnant. It is so hard to believe there are parents out there like this because being a mother myself you always want better for your child, but there are. I do not talk to my brother or sister either because they believe I should just get over myself and accept that my parents are this way and just take whatever is dished out and forget about it. I disagree making me the family outcast.

My husband's parents live in Germany. His father is an alcoholic who no longer talks to us unless it is via a drunken abusive email and his mother is the loveliest woman but then distance and language barriers make it difficult to communicate as much as I would like.

I guess like you it has been hard not having anyone to 'look up to' or seek advice from as I am pretty much raising my daughter with no support outside of my husband, who has been amazing. I hear other people talk about how they just run to their parents whenever they need a time out or some support and deep down I wish I had that relationship. It has been hard, but contrary to the teacher in my birthing class describing me as a prime candidate for Post Natal Depression due to my dysfunctional relationship with my own mother I have survived the first 6mths of my baby's life, and quite well, even if I do say so myself. haha. Raising a baby has proved challenging but then I think when you grow up with a lack of parenting most of us grow up promising ourselves that we will be the best parent we can and never turn out like our own parents. That sheer determination gives us a greater maturity and assists us to survive life's challenges.

It will be interesting to see how this group evolves, but I do think it was a great idea to set it up. It's nice to know that we can belong somewhere.....we no longer have to feel like we did as the only one in our birthing class with our hand up asking for advice on handling things without any support.......greeted by a number of glares and suspicious looks from other class attendees.

Tara - posted on 01/14/2009

Hey Pati!

I'm sure that you will find yourself perfectly at home here.  My Dad has met my daughter twice, and couldn't be bothered to see her again or even send her a birthday card.  What really pisses me off is that he can afford to send her a car - but just a phone call would be totally cool!  The things that he finds to be of value in his life just don't make sence to me and I don't know how to explain to my kids that they're better than him without making them feel bad.  I get angry sometimes because kids are the greatest thing in the world and should be put first, but aparently some people (like my dad) just suck.

The other major issue for me is that I don't have anyone to "look up to" when it comes to parenting today.  I'm left feeling a little alone sometimes.  Most people can call their Mom and ask the odd question or share a story. 

Anyway, I hope you will stick around and see what happens as our new group grows.  I hope it will be benificial to us all!  I'm really glad you're here!

Pati - posted on 01/14/2009

Hi Tara,

I did not loose my parents till I was 33, both in 72 days, my daughter was 4 for the loss of my dad and 5 when my mom passed. Then we lost her other grandpa 72 days after my mom and the one grannie that is left, cant be bothered. I do not know if this is a good place for me to share or vent but it will be interested in seeing where it goes.

Pati ;-)