any thoughts or advice?

Mary - posted on 02/24/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

i'll be married for 5 years come july.. i'm hoping not to make t that far and leave before..

if i could just copy my thoughts and paste them here i would..

so many things are wrong, so many things i can't get them out..

it's gotten to the point where even the thought of touching him, in a friendly way, disgusts me!!

i know massage therapy, my mother taught me. and he took a tumble at work.. i keep making excuses not to touch him, to see if anything is wrong. i can't get close to him or my stomache roils and i feel like barfing. i hate this. i'm angry all day i can't sleep with him there..

i want so bad to leave. but i'm told by family and most people i talk to to stay and work things out.. i don't see how things can work? i feel like crying even now just thinking of the situation.. he says he loves me. i feel like its an obsession and i feel claustrophobic. we never leave the house and lately i've been making sure we stay in. i don't want to have to pretend to my family or his friends that i love him. something i have been doing for years.. i remember mere months after getting married being at my parents and crying because i didn't want to go home to him.. i didn't want to be married.. well i've stuck it out this long. i've been pregnant for 4 yrs give or take. i got preg with martha, after her one of our first times i got preg with angie.. i had a misscarriage a few months after her.. then i got preg with sarina..

i've been celibate for a year, just to make sure i don't get pregnant by him.. i woke up one night when i was preg with sarina and he was just forcing himself into me.. i can't get over the disgust i feel just thinking bout that time. any advice i have gotten on that front was just to have sex with him.. it would make him happier and then he could make me happy.. heck the deacon at the church i used to go to showed me a bible verse that said it was the man's right to demand that of the woman..

i could keep going.. i feel more collected today.. usually i have to sort out thoughts before i write..

could be that he's not home and i'm not as stressed.

i know i could make it on my own.. i can see how much calmer i am with him at work.

i'm getting my teeth fixed next month.. after all the pregnancies i have a permanent halloweeen smile..

after that, after i heal up i'm getting out.. i want to,

but then again i've been making plans like this for years.. i'll just do this and then i'll leave..

i hope this time i have the courage to go thru and stay gone.

i'm willing to let him come see the kids and spend time.. but i'm going for full custody... and once the divorce would be final i'd move and start a new life in a new country.. the good ol u s of a

wish me luck ladies