dealing with arguments after baby is born..

Nicole - posted on 10/07/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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i gave birth almost a month ago, and i'm so happy with my little girl. she's so sweet and is always making me smile.



but my relationship is kinda on the rocks. it's been so rocky with the both of us since we barely sleep anymore. i find us arguing more at night when haylee wakes up to be fed (every 3-4 hours). we have stupid little arguments in the day, but at night they've gotten to the point where i don't want to be around him because he pissed me off pretty badly.



he works full time, usually from 12pm to 9pm or from 730am to 430pm. i'm usually the one that gets up at night to feed her (he helps here and there but on the days he works really early in the morning, i tell him that i'll get up and do it since he has to work) or change her diaper. he's got a great relationship with haylee and she clearly loves her daddy, but OUR relationship isn't going too great. on his days off he tells me to relax and take time to myself. how can i do that when we all share one room together? i don't want to sleep during the day because i actually WANT to spend the time with him on his days off. i find myself snapping at him over the smallest things and of course hes going to get defensive, but i get even more pissed when it happens. i know he works, but a little more help would be nice. we've talked about it, but no matter what it's like we fight. every issue we have we fight over it. i know it's because we don't sleep anymore, and well, i JUST had this baby three weeks ago.



a couple nights ago we had a big fight, but talked it out when we had time to ourselves. it made things better. we barely have time together because he works 5-6 days a week and then haylee is up until late and is in our room. we're moving in march of next year so maybe when she has her own room it'll help?? my mom helps a lot too. she understands that we need time to ourselves so we can start going out once a week by ourselves while she watches haylee. i just recovered from giving birth so i can actually start going out again. it's only been three weeks and i feel like the relationship is going to be damaged.



basically, i just need some advice::

i know this is all from sleep deprivation and lack of time spent together, but how long until your relationship got better ladies? after how long until things started to get better? what can we do to make the relationship stronger again? i don't want this relationship to end, i love him so much...advice please?

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Stifler's - posted on 10/10/2010

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This is quite normal, having a baby is a huge change. You have to just learn to never let the sun go down on an argument, you're tired he's tired from work. We never got a night a week to ourselves as we live away from family and we worked it out, now that Logan is 8 months and things are easier with him and not so stressful our relationship is back to being good.

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my husband works from home, and he makes him own hours..so its not like he has a stressful job or a boss to deal with and yet I am always the one doing EVERYTHING around the house. Our daughter will be 1 on sunday and STILL gets up in the middle of the night...EVERY night.I snap on him ALL the time. I do not ever want to have sex with him, because I am just too pissed off at the lack of help I get. PLEASE don't fall into my situation. if I could go back in time and be where u guys are now with a newborn, I would set some rules...you get up one night and he gets up the next....or whatever works for you. Let him know how tired you are. explain to him what your body is going through, you have hormones running wild through you, you need help and explain a rested mommy is a good mommy.
I explained this to my husband and we now have a rule...I get up in the middle up the night which means he gets up in the morning with her and lets me sleep in (she is going through a stage where she thinks 5am is wake up time) Already, I am feeling better with the extra sleep and I am feeling better about my husband knowing he is helping.

Kelina - posted on 10/07/2010

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Unfortunately i can't help with the him waking up thing since my hubby actualy slept right thorugh our son waking up despite the fact that he slept in our room! However, there are some things that you can do to keep things on track. First, when he offers to let you nap TAKE IT! I know it's taking time away from the three of you spending time together, but you need that sleep. And think, when you are less sleep deprived, you'll be less likely to blow up over the small things. I know i was.
Going out during the week just the two of you is a good idea, but maybe even staying in will be good too. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Eat a meal together without a fussy baby. Spending time together doesn't mean going out and you might find that for now you really don't have the energy to go out and staying in and eating pizza or hotdogs would be nicer.
Lastly I don't know how often you manage to eat without a baby on your lap, but try to sit down once a day and eat just you. Time to yourself is just as important as time with your SO.
I know that I found the first month or so to be the worst when trying to adjust. I cried a lot, wondered what could possibly have come over me to want a baby, and wondered if my relationship was going to survive and it came through just fine. Remember that your horomones are still out of whack from pregnancy and probably will be a little while longer. Make sure he understands that you're tired and that makes every little thing seem so much bigger and that you appreciate everything he does for you. It takes time but you can do it! Before you know it, Haylee will be sleeping longer during the night, taking a shower will be a major production, and the two of you will adjust to being parents, rather than just a couple. Give it time. Relax. and check out mommy groups in your area. getting to know other moms will help enormously. Good luck and congratulations!

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