Dreading the day I have to deal with my ex !!

Amanda - posted on 06/04/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Me and my ex had been together for 2 years and alot had had happened before I got pregnant . The problems were always onesided meaning comeing from him he could never just be a man. there was alot of baby mama drama who I later found out after we broke up was and still is his girfriend. drug use, drug traficking , violence,death threats, harrassing phone calls, even an overdose ( his girfriend OD while watching the children,* he ignored a court order when that happened*) and many more situations to count. He has two other children one he has joint custody , the other 2 he also has custody and one is not even his. I had always tried to be understanding and patient about his situation and was supportive as I could be. When i found out I was pregnant all he could think about was how it affected him and all the changes he had to make.He wanted me to get an abortion but I am Pro life , besides i was told I wouldnt have children. So instead he tried to get me to miss carry knowing I was high risk. I never saw him, he never called to check on me and when I finally ask him to do something he complained about it or decided to compare me to his girlfriend and how she didnt want this and crave this and didnt do this that way and gain this much weight until these many months. HE didnt want to tell his family or his kids he kept makeing excuses and pushing back the date we decided to tell them. So you can imagine I was at my breaking point . Then he really started showing his temper to the point where I started getting a little nervous because now I cant really protect and defend myself like I could before.... One day we got in an argument and he decided to tell me how much he was sick of my sh#! and my attitude .. yeah I know ... so I kicked him out my car and chaged my locks to my house but he still had my car car key but wasnt stupid enough to take it and I severed all communication with him..3 weeks went by and i kept my silence until i recieved a package in the mail from him for valentines day. He picked out a mushy card and and soem cheap anklet or bracelet he packed in a clear jewlery box than taped it close with packing tape why I do not know .I didnt even bother to open it but he had crossed out all the mushy crap and wrote NO in big black ink as that was suppose to hurt my feelings and wrote a letter telling me how childish and stuck up I am, i was raised wrong, it a shame I will never realize how immature i was to kick him out of my car since he had to wait an hour for a bus( it didnt occur to him to walk home and is it my fault hes 40 and doesnt have a car? and I do ), he is going to slash my tires and bust out all my windows, break into my house and break all those windows , i dont know anything about life, he wants his stuff out my house but he will not come and get it so he is keeping my key(knowing the boxes he left can cause me to miss carry because of the wieght), he gave me back my car key, how i am not going to deny him his parental rights, how I f#@% with the wrong person , blamed me for money missing out of his account ( even though I am not the one with the access to it but his live in girlfriend does), I am worse than his crakhead girlfriend, its over and what he does in his life is none of my business and then with his last sentence told me things will get very very very very violent believe him it will. I wanted to go to the cops but my dad talked me out of it since I lived 5 blocks from him and still do with no family around me he didnt want something to happen to me while I am pregnant plus he said it was empty threats but I still kept the letter for future reference. also had my dad put extra locks on doors and i am very mindful of my surroundings. I havent spoke to him since feb when i was 2 1/2 months pregnant. I told his family i was pregnant and they have been very supportive and very angry about the way he has been treating me because i havent done anything to him except not want to be with him anymore. and even then he didnt get the hint . I didnt respond to his threats or the letter like i usually do ,my mom said the worse thing for a man is to be ignored and that is what I did. my son will not have his last name, he will not be on the birthcertifcate he will not even be allowed in the hospital when i go into labor .I really dont even want to call his family because i know they will call him. they have been pushing him to be in my sons life and i dont want him to be. he has a family already and besides he lied to me for two years, hes threaten me and my son since he is still inside me, hes got me for money and furniture and clothing etc.... he trashed my jeep on the inside along with my breaks which cost $350 to get completely replaced. I found out about his violent tendencies through his family after we broke up his own cousin is afraid for her life and so is his aunt and uncle that raised him. when he doesnt get his way he vandalizes property or gets violent. His one aunt is suprised he hasnt hit me. his kids are medicated because he cant deal with them they all have failed kindegarten or first grade, getting kicked out of schools, suspended for fighting and dislocating a teachers finger, the kids have watched there mother overdose and had to call 911 they have watched their mother stab their father and full blown fist fights, they sell drugs infront of the kids and my ex is suppose to be on recovery for 10 yrs which i think he has fell off the wagon or whatever you call it. I havent seen or spoken to him but all my friends see him all the time telling me how depressed , unhappy he looks. he knows his fam checks on me and how i am doing and he doesnt ask cause he doesnt care i dont even think he knows he is having a boy or his name ( i changed it since we decided when we were together). I have kept a record of all his behavior in a notebook along with the letter but i am very worried that my child will be exposed to that enviroment.I am not even going for child support cause he wont work and i dont want him to be a part of his life. I know one day he will sneak over and see the baby but there are alot of things i want to get straight before he stepd foot in my house for instance he will never ever be left alone with my son, my son is not allowed over his house , there are only certain designated places he can see my son if he doesnt want to see me etc.... i am just worried hell take my son from me but everyone keeps telling me that he wont be around except when its convenient for him but I just dont know I am dealing with a very unpredicatable person that might be using again. What do I do ???any advice or comments would be extremely helpful and appreciated!!!!!!

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Candice - posted on 08/02/2009

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if you think the other children are being abused, please call children's services. you don' thave to have proof to start an investigation. they are required to investigate any claim.

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Vera - posted on 06/27/2011

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It’s a lot easier to read the comments from all of us telling you to go get help and call the police than it is for you to actually take the steps to do it. Trust me I know. I also know you already know what you need to do, but you keep putting it off in fear of what may or will happen from him. The main question is: Do you want to live in fear all of your life and do you want your child(ren) growing up around this?” If the answer is no then you need to step up and do something about it – you already know it.


write him a letter - it must be sent certified - stating that his items are to be picked up, he is not to enter the premises while doing so, and let him know that if his crap isn’t off your property with in 30 days (I believe this is the legal time) you will legally dispose of it. If he shows up say in 6 months wanting it show him the returned certified letter stating that he was notified. There is a thing with the police something like “domestic stand by” or something like that where they stand there and allow someone to get their things out of a house/property so there isn’t any domestic violence.

Ask a neighbor to help you move everything onto the lawn or porch before he gets there. – DONE end of that story! If you don’t have his address then call the local police dept or sheriffs dept and ask them what to do with abandoned property - legally.

2nd part – umm you pretty much know he has threatened to kill you and from what I read it was even in writing? So WHY haven’t you gone to the police and filed charges? Do you want to die? I don’t mean that rude but even if he hasn’t bothered you in a while you are still worried about it right? – Yep you are!

I would suggest calling CPS now – not later and speak with a social worker about what your rights are as a mom, what he can do to the child etc. I would also discuss his violent tendencies, talk to them about the drugs and what the other kids are going through, speak to them about the violence towards his family etc and ask what can be done to help your child once it is born. Tell them you are terrified not just for your life but for your child’s life. See what advice they can give you.

Yes your child is going to be around drugs, over dosing, etc if he stays with the father. Even supervised visits are only for so long and all he has to do is act like a great daddy and then he is on his own for the visits. They keep giving the dad chances because truthfully courts don’t give a crap these days and people lie! BUT ALSO because NO ONE does anything to prove he HAS done anything. All the things he has done and probably only one has been reported …. Do you get what I am saying. You don’t have to be a tattle tale but you SHOULD report all this violent crap!

If you are on government pregnancy aid it also may cover counseling – speak to your doctor they may be able to get you a therapist – speaking to one may help you with some stress.

Tell yourself this every day
“I am a strong woman, a mom, and a human being. I deserve to be treated with respect and in an acceptable manner. I don’t deserve to be threatened or abused”

Bethany - posted on 06/27/2011

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I dont know what country your in but in Australia you can take him to court and claim full custody while your pregnant so the court orders are in place the second your sons born. Hope that helps and I hope this can all be sorted out for you. My ex was abusive to me while I was with him but now I seem to hold all the cards but im still taking him to court for full custody of our 3 year old son and our unborn son!

Rebecca - posted on 06/17/2009

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u need to get out of that situation u are in with him and bless u that u are pro choice! and even tho u dont want him in ur childs life just remember he did help make that child and he does have the right to see that child but u can get him for supervised visits and what have u doesnt mean an over night stay with tht child for the courts are going to look at his record and look at him and laugh and say wht are u going to do to help with this child? u will have the child no matter what.... family courts will rule the mother with her children over the father unless they see them unfit and it sounds like he is one unfit father and doesnt or hasnt choosen to grow up! my ex hasnt grown up either and my divorce was in 2007 and well he still thinks everything is him him and only him.... take the advice of good back boned ppls and stay safe a threat is a threat weather it be physical emotional or mental its still a threat and exspecially on u and ur unborn childs life.... take care hun

Laura - posted on 06/11/2009

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yes you should get custody of your son cuz it wont matter whether of not his name is on the babys certificate. both my kids fathers name arent on their certificate and they still are able to see my kids. but i dont think he will get custody of your child like i said he has to prove you an unfit mother first. and as for calling i would no child should go through that abuse.

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2009

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Do you think he could still get custody or have unsupervised visits if the only reason he has custody now of the other two is because the mother ( his girlfriend)has drug problems. He aslo has a history of drug problems and he is suppose to be clean for over 10yrs but if your girlfriend has a drug problem and surround yourself with other who have drug problem and you sell you rx out of your home chances are he is not clean anymore. I also just found out by his grandmother that his girlfriend called and said he has been abusing the kids ( beating the crap out of them ) so bad that she said the next time he does it she was calling the cops. I was thinking of calling cps just to do a check in on them cause I absolutelty love his boys and they dont deserve to be treated like that they are acting out because of the enviroment they are raising them and they shouldnt get abuse for it .should i call Cps?( I probably Will I just need a second opinion) and can I go down and get full custody of my son whithout him being on the birth certficate or haveing his last name and say I dont know who the father is ? or should i wait until he is born and see what happens? because when my son is born he will no tbe on any paper work and wont even be allowed to be present at the hospital per my wishes. so if he decides to come and take my son he will be charged with kidnapping bu tfirst he has got to get in the house to take him anyway...

Laura - posted on 06/05/2009

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well the only way he can take your son away is to prove you unfitand i didnt mean that you werent looking out for yourself or your unboen son.but you sould get yourself a lawyer as soon as possable and show them the letter and tell them what you went through the police wont be able to do anything now about it but the courts can. you have to get custody of your son because if you dont (and i dont mean to scare you) but he can walk in and take the baby and there will be nothing you can do cuz you dont have custody from the courts. my ex tried to do that with my son but i had custody i called the police and they told me i was luckey i had it on paper or they wouldnt have been able to to anything even though my son has my last name he had every right to take him out of my care if i didnt have custody. the courts will give him access to your son unless you prove him unfit its very rare they give supervised access unless they see the father as a threat to the child and since he has custody of his other two id be surprised if they give him supervised so if you want supervised access like i said you have to prove to the courts that hes a danger to your son and unfit to take care of him. i went throught his for three years so i know the courts really well.and if the other two kids are not being treated properly my advise is to call social servise and get them involved cuz no child should be put through that.but your mom is right its very rare that they take a child away from their mother. dont let your guard down around your ex like you said hes unpredictable.

Amanda - posted on 06/05/2009

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His granfather even told me to have him charged and I wanted to even a few weeks later but I was told it was to late. To do it now would be me kinda being paranoid and I know that is what he wants it has been almost 5 months since that letter was sent and I havent heard from him or seen him and I dont try to.... isnt it to late anyway?I live in a family owned house and my Dad and mom checks on me regularly and my cousins and uncles are aware of the situation incase I need them and his family has even threatend him because of the crap he is pulling. I use to be frightened all the time jumping constantly, but then I realized I am not going to let anyone drive me out of my home and believe me I am thinking of me and my sons safety along with my family and his. I am in a bad way right now financially that is why I am living in that house so I cannot move and I am rarely home except to sleep.First he has to prove he is the father with a dna test because his name will not be on anything and my son will not have his last name either. I am recording everything, i have been reading every book taking classes as they become avilable, I will have letters from friends and family about my parenting , I already plan to tell the judge i dont want him left alone with him and i want supervised visitation. I didnt think about the drug test thing thank you for that or the tape recorder which i will be getting for when the time comes. I am just really nervous about the future my mom was a register nurse/public health nurse and is now retired and she told me not to worry it is very hard for a father to take the child form the mother but i cant help but worry this is my son the one i though i would never have and it scares me because he has been in and out of court with the other kids and the judge keeps giving him chance after chance knowing that all of this is going on that is what scares me the most .......

Laura - posted on 06/04/2009

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heres your biggest mistake call the cops have him charged. and start looking for a new place. heres a question for you do you want to keep living in fear your going to have enough on your plate to deal with when your son is born you dont need you exs bull crap. my ex did that to me and i was jumping at every noisei aplied for housing and get the heck out of that place if you cant afford to move anywhere just yet go stay with your family or some place youll be safe you need to start thinking about yourself and that baby. he wont change and thoses threats arent empty ones.

Laura - posted on 06/04/2009

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been there still dealing with my ex. my advise would be document everything and a little trick is get yourself a tape recorder my lawyer once told me you can record your conversation with another person as long as its not a 3rd party. dont fall for anything he has to say and if you think he does drugs ask the courts to have him sent for a drug test and make it clear to the courts you dont want him left alone with your child. bring him to court first you stand a better chance at winning and if you have courses ( parenting classes infant development or a public health nurse) get them involves they will help you with your case and give you a good reveiw. My son had a childs lawyer she came in and spent time with both sides of parents. I won my case even though his father still gets to see him i was granted custody of my son,

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