Hello, I am a mother/stepmother.

Mom - posted on 04/29/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have raised my children since birth, however, I have raised my stepson since he was 8. He has an extremely difficult mother. She is addicted to drugs and alcohol, however, now she says she is sober--we'll never know. The stepson lives with us full time and he is scheduled to see his mother 3 weeks a year. He just now saw her for 4 days, but hadn't seen her for a year and half before that. She is awful and evil, but that is not the big issue. The big issue is the stepson. He lies, he says horrible things about us. He doesn't try at school, we are kind to him. We are firm and set expectations for school, but he is the only child who doesn't care. We haven't seen or spoken to my husband's mother for over two years because the boy lied to them and said horrible things we don't even know about. She won't tell us what he said and neither will he. He did say that he said we were the worst parents ever. What ever was actually said I guess we will never know. He lies to our friends and said we beat him--so not true. We don't hit our children. They have consequences like the lose video games or something along those lines, but nothing physical whatsoever. This is so discouraging. Please help--any advice would be so helpful. Thank you.

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Mom - posted on 05/09/2012

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Thank you. I will look into online counseling and yes, this means he is 13. We too have let him know that at 18 he will be out on his own, just like we were from our parents. The only difference is, we wanted to be--we never were lazy or looked for free rides. My husband and I were ready to go out into the world and make it on our own and we are. We have accepted that this child is choosing a hard road and that is even harder to watch. However, my husband and I always wanted to please our parents and we were respectful of their rules. This attitude this child is taking will only hurt him in the end--we have also told him that a million times, but he chooses it anyway. It is what it is. I do appreciate the information about online counseling.....I am off to check that out right now. Take care and thank you all for helping--I love this website :)

Mardi - posted on 05/09/2012

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What about some online counselling??? Is that maybe an option, not ideal, but as a basis to get started.
If you have been at this for 5yrs, does that mean he's about 13, he's yet to even hit his peek as for hormone rages and anger issues.

My son didn't care about his schooling, and you cant make them care, but now he is studying at tafe instead of uni and is looking forward to a lifetime of manual labour for his ignorance. He still has the ability to change that, but until he changes his attitude, it will all be wasted efforts.
He knows he's expected to move out come the end of the year, that I have a purpose in mind for his room and he will be expected to move out and support himself. This is not shoved down his throat, but pointed out at occaissional comments that this is where his life is to head by the end of the year. Oh and while he gets a study allowance he has to pay board out of that.

While he sees this deadline as his escape to the real world, its my deadline to peace and harmoney.....lol win win

Mom - posted on 05/09/2012

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Thank you so much for responding. We have done everything except the counseling. We live in a very remote area and the nearest counselor is about an hour away. I do agree we need it, but still working out a way to make that happen. We have talked to this child for hours and hours over a 5 year period. The reason he doesn't do his school work is because "he doesn't want to". The reason he lies about us is because others give him extra attention. So WE gave him extra attention and he still lies. We have explained how hurtful and disrespectful he can be--he doesn't care. No punishments work either. His video games have been taken away from him for 3 years now--he simply doesn't care. It's frustrating and difficult all at the same time. We are good parents and believe me we have tried everything--nothing seems to work with him. We want to make it better for all of us, but still looking for the answers......and that's why we keep trying. Counseling would definitely be a blessing, but again not sure how to make that happen.

Mardi - posted on 05/09/2012

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Yeh, therapy is in order, all around. But on the other hand, maybe a lesson in life is also in order.

ie, explain to him that his lack of interest in school will only really affect him in the long run, its his future life and career that he's putting into jeopardy. The day will come when he is expected to move out of home and support himself, a date determined by you and his father, not him. You are not expected to support him and his attitude past adulthood, not until he just feels like it. Even give him a rough budget of what it will cost him to move out into a shared house, what will be expected of him, and ask him how he expects to manage that???

As for all the lies, I dont think you have much to worry about, seems no one is interested in reporting you to Childrens Services, so they must be aware he's lying or at least embellishing the truth a lot. I wouldn't worry until they are willing to step in and do something, let them keep their distance and stay out of it.

Louise - posted on 05/09/2012

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I think this little one needs therapy and then family therapy to help him through this. He seems to fill the need to embelish the truth or make things up to make his life more interesting to others. This is kid like but not to the extreme he is going to. You need to strip away the layers and get to the cause of why he is doing this. Only a councellor can help you here.

You could try sitting him down and asking him why he says these things about you. Put him on the spot and see how he reacts. You may be surprised at his answer.

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