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stupid sperm donor and my son who gets hurt by him

April - posted on 02/05/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

So I am a single mom working full time. I work third shift. It sucks but it works well with my schedule and I really don't miss much with my son. i am at work he is sleeping i am sleeping when he is at school. His dad I can't stand him!!!!!! So he plays good dad and helps out when he wants to prove something he treats my son like a burden and treats his other kids like he hung the moon. It really pisses me off. My son hates going over there cries pitches a fit anything he can do to try and not go over there he does. He is getting better about it and is starting to suck it up and just go he knows it is pointless to fight it now. He likes going to see his step mom and his brother but he hates being around his dad. It breaks my heart. Well the other day he tells me that his dad and step mom fight that they don't get along and that when they fight they tell him to go to his room. He says that he can still here them and sometimes he thinks they are fighting about him. He then proceed to tell me that his daddy drinks beer around him and that he drinks its and then drives him places and sometimes he drinks it while in the car with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was livid but I have NEVER talked bad about his father in front of him. I don't think it is right, my son will find out the truth soon enough and talking bad about him only makes me look bad. So I try to stay calm and explain to him that they are not fighting about him and that it is best for him to go to his room when they are fighting. I told him that he can always call me when they fight and I will come get him. He seems to be fine with that answer then we move on to the drinking issue. I tell him that it is not safe for him to be in the car with anyone that is drinking and that includes me. That next time that happens he need to tell his daddy or whoever it is that he is not getting in the car with them cause he doesn't feel safe cause they have been drinking. Of course I told him he can always call me. But he is only 6 and its not like he can just pick up the cell phone and dial. He is very smart for his age and little to much if you ask me. He picks up on so much. I am dating someone now and my son really likes him. He asked if he could be his new daddy. He likes him cause he is nice to him and spends time with him. He plays the wii with my son, reads to him plays basketball he includes my son in everything.My son does not get that attention from his dad, I find it very sad that a father can treat his son so badly. My ex has another son with his wife and he treats him like gold, he plays with him he does everything with him. He talks about his other son to my family my brothers but he never talks about my son. He refuses to keep him if he is sick but stays at home from work with the other child when he is sick. I don't understand how you can treat your childern so differently I understand my sonis not over there all the time and that plays a part in it. But you would think that when he goes over there instead of putting him in front of the tv or video games or shipping him off to grandmas house that you would spend time with him. I got really upset with him and his wife one year cause they get him for a month out of the summer they planned a trip to the beach the whole family they get my son all hyped up about going and then leave him here with his grandma while they go to the beach. How sorry is that my son was crushed and I didnt know anything about it until his grandmother called me and asked if it was ok to take him to tennesse to see the penguins. I mean what do you tell your son when he asks why does daddy hate me why is he mean to me does he love my brother more. Why is daddy late why does he lie to me why does he not come to my ball games. why is he always mad at me. I am sick of making excuses for his pos father. I am at a lose of words and i want so badly to be like you never have to go over there again he is a terrible person and you deserve so much better but i can't do that cause of laws and paperwork and a child doesn't understand that. So that is why now I so ask your father or we will call you dad and you can ask him. Put him on the spot let him answer for his wrongs I should have to.

My son told me before he went to school today that he wanted me to hurry up and marry my boyfriend so that i would be happy and not be so lonely anymore. That he didn't like me sad. That it made his heart hurt. He wants my new boyfriend to be his new daddy so that he doesn't have to see his real one anymore. He wants a happy family with a mommy daddy and him. He said it would be easier on him if he had a family like that and didn't have to leave me alone when he goes to his dads house.

I love my son he is my world and it really hurts me to hear him say things like that. I feel helpless and like I am a bad mom. I know he deserve so much better than what he is getting right now and I feel like I just can't give that too him right now. I take totally blame for all of it but I also know that we will tough it out and that I will figure something out and make it better for him I have done it for 6 years I can do it much longer. But how to I get rid of the guilt and stop blaming myself does it ever go away?

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Kelly - posted on 02/16/2009

Geeze you sound like I did 2 yrs ago!!!!

I have 2 boys, their "father" was the exact same way. My oldest hated it at his house, my youngest doesn't remember him. Their dad would see them when it was convenient for him, and my oldest would freak out and resist, cry, you name it, when he came to get them. My ex also had a drug problem, and I was nervous about letting my children go off with him. I finally consulted my lawyer. He told me that, as their mother, I have every right to keep my children home and refuse to let him take them out of my house if I was concerned for their safety!!! Which I did, until he was clean. I also, to this day, never talked badly about their father. I let them make up their own mind about him, and they have. Another thing I did, my lawyer approved this saying," forcing them to go with their father if they dont want to,especially if they make such a big fuss, is a sign that they dont feel safe and protected there, and that it was a form of child abuse to make them go, so, I let the child decide whether or not to see the father. Kids are pretty smart!!!! I told my son that he didn't have to go if he didnt want to, and that I wasnt going to force him into doing anything he didn't want to. He usually opted NOT to go.My ex has since signed over custody and guardianship of my boys and sees them once maybe twice a year ( he comes to MY house and visits them). I totally know how you feel, it does get better. I had to get to the point where I was like, " I dont care about you, I care about MY sons", " If they dont want to see you, then thats fine" and go about your life as you would. Dont nag, dont phone, dont email, do nothing at all, and see how long it takes HIM to contact his child. I know that sounds harsh, but the way I saw it was... if he wants to see them he will call me. Stay strong!!!! You are not alone.

Idel - posted on 02/05/2009

it sounds to me that your son is being emotionally abused by his father. A young child is not supposed to notice these things, since the most important thing in their lives is play and having fun with family. But if he is being exposed to the fights, the drinking, and the favoritism, then being with the father is not healthy for him.

I know that there are times when you can't do anything about it, but not doing anything at all is sometimes what the child will remember. It looks like you are a great mom and that you have a good relationship. But your son, should also feel that you care about him even when he is somewhere else. Maybe he just feels like an outsider with his dad, because he is not cared for there as he is when he is with you.

Don't feel guilty, but it is important that you do something about it. talk to his dad and his grandmother, if they really care for the boy then, they would try to do something to help your son feel better. What is more difficult is when there is no change, its either he will resent going to his dad, or resent you for forcing him to go there all the time.

Hope everything turns out better soon.

Lorie - posted on 02/05/2009

Sweetie, you have done nothing wrong and are a much better person than I would be about keeping my mouth shut. It's so sad that your little boy had to grow up so fast because of a dickhead of a father. But by the sounds of it, I think it's time you all sat down and had a family chat. Have your son, tell his father everything he tells you. Something has got to give or this poor little boy is going to break. Just keep being the wonderful mother you are and pray a lot. May god bless you and protect both of you.

Good luck.