What to do???

Heidi - posted on 07/02/2009 ( 26 moms have responded )

1,347

130

174

Well here is the situation that I had to deal with last night when my ex didn't call his son AGAIN. My son is 10 and he knows the days of the week and he can tell time. So last night was suppose to be a phone call day for the bio dad and surprise surprise he didn't call again. That happens quite often. So my son can have a temper just like his bio dad and he had one of his melt downs. He started off by saying "Why didn't daddy call me again?" I don't have an answer to that, he asked" why doesn't daddy love me like he loves my sisters"(he has 3 daughters with his wife) , and he wanted to know what he did to be treated this way. My son rarely sees his father(only twice last year) the excuse from the dad is always, I am busy. Who would say that to a child. No one can be that busy not to see there only son. It drives me nuts. This has been going on for almost 10 years now. I left my ex when my son was 8 months old. Sure at first he would come and visit, but when my son was 2 and the first sister was born the visits came less, and when sister 2 and 3 came along even less. I could never understand why a parent would treat there kids differently. Its not fair. The kids should be treated as equals, whether they live in the same house or not. Anyway back to my story...after my son gets started on one of his meltdowns it won't stop for quite some time. He can go on and on and on. At one point and time he called his bio dad a f!*^ing jerk. Why would he say that? I certainly don't say that and neither does my husband. He then proceeded to tell me that he hates his dad. I tried talking to my son about what he had said, and all he could do was yell at me. I had to walk away from him because he started throwing things and ranting and raving. I have never seen a child act this way before. Could he have that much anger built up inside of him, and when he is ready to snap he lets it all out on me. I am the one that is here for him day in and day out. I am the one that is here for him when his dad doesn't show up, I am always here for him. The thing is my son can be the nicest sweetest boy there is, but when his father doesn't visit months and months, and doesn't call when he is suppose to I get the brunt of his anger. Why on earth would a child do this to the parent that is always there for them and not the absent parent? I just don't understand it.


So my question is what should I do? Should I call the dad out on all of this and tell him to stand up and be a man and take some responsibilty for his son and his actions or do I let it be and act as if he doesn't exsist? There have been times in the past where I have tried talking to the dad, but I a might as well talk to a brick wall because I would get more response. Its been a while since I have asked the bio dad when are you going to come and visit, because all I get is " I will see what I can do" or he will say soon and months will go by before my son sees his bio dad. Its not fair to my son for his dad to treat him the way that he does. Its his son and he should be here byweekly like he is suppose to, and he should call his son when he is suppose to, but he doesn't.


So any ideas or suggestion would be greatly appreciated, but I am not looking for a fight or an argument, I have had enough of those with the stepmom in my case. Just some honesty is all I ask.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Paige - posted on 07/09/2009

10

0

0

OMG I have recently joined COM and many different groups. My problem is a few of the groups I did join have the exact same conversations going in them, with the same conversation starter??? I don't understand why this topic keeps getting brought up over and over again. You asked for advice and some people gave it, I think we have heard enough about your dead beat ex and the horrible step mom. Give someone else a chance to start a conversation.

Debbie - posted on 07/08/2009

626

5

103

Jaime I didnt mean to sound like I was picking on you, cause I wasnt. I was just saying that I have it differently, we want to see them , they dont want to see us. I would do anything to see them. I also think it isnt fair for T, but thats not your fault.
As for sticking up for M, I totally agree with you whether he is right or wrong, a wife should stand by him, then tell him off and tell him to fix it...lol
This is something both of T's parents need to fix, not you. You should help and be of assistance where you can, but they should not put you or T in the middle of thier fight.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

26 Comments

View replies by

Heidi - posted on 08/04/2009

1,347

130

174

Well Carol I don't know who she is or where she came from. I haven't seen her on here or seen any posts she has started. So I can't answer that, and by the looks of things she has backed away now so its not a big deal.

Candice: Well I have been doing just that. For instance we got back from holidays on Saturday and Sunday we decided to go out to dinner to The Keg. We got home just before 7pm and the bio dad was suppose to call at 6pm, so when we got home Tanner asked if he could go to his friends house and I told him I had to check the phone to see if his dad called(since he never called my cell) and guess what? He didn't call! Surprise surprise.

While we were on holidays Tanner was suppose to call his dad on Sunday and Wednesday and I handed him my cell phone and told him he shuold call his dad. And you know what he said? Why should I call him when he doens't bother calling me? Pretty sad that a 10 year old thinks that way. I didn't force him to call and told him if he changed his mind to let me know and I would give him my cell again, but he never did, so when Wednesday came I handed him my cell and he said he wasn't going to call again, so I told him the same thing, if you change your mind let me know. I find no need to force him to call when his father doesn't even call when he is suppose to. I use to alter my schedule to be home on time in case he called, now I can't be bothered. Why should change my plans for a call that rarely comes. The bio dad has my cell number and if we aren't home he can call it otherwise leave a message and I will get Tanner to call back when we get home.

So thanks for your advice its greatly appreciated!!!

Candice - posted on 07/30/2009

1,721

18

305

well, after that LONG reading...here's my suggestion. start planning activities for when his dad is supposed to call...since he never calls anyway. keep him busy, keep him distracted, keep him entertained and feeling loved. when he realizes his dad didn't call, you can at least say "well at least we had fun!". maybe he'll stop expecting a call from his dad. then if his dad DOES eventually decide to get off his lazy ass and call his son, it will be a bonus.



i don't know if it will work...but hey, it's worth a shot :)

Carol - posted on 07/10/2009

121

3

13

Who the heck is this Paige women?? I tried checking her out and she has hardly posted to any conversations. Who does she think she is coming in here telling you what you can and can't post?? Don't understand why women would be sending her pm's when she is a "newbie"?

Heidi - posted on 07/10/2009

1,347

130

174

I am not shooting the messanger. I was just stating facts thats all. I am not one to back down at all. I will stand my ground for what I believe in and so should you. But if you don't like the conversation then why did you post in the first place? If people have a problem with what I post they don't have to respond either and they certainly don't need to send other people pessages about what I post. If they have something to say then they should say it to me rather then drag other people into it. its not fair to you and anyone else.

I am sure you will find this sight very helpful as I have. There are a lot of great ladies on here that do give great advice.

I wish you all the best and have a great weekend!

Paige - posted on 07/09/2009

10

0

0

As you can probally see two different posts appeared above as my first message appeared to not post.

Paige - posted on 07/09/2009

10

0

0

As I stated above I have recently joined COM and have not yet participated in conversations. I came across this thread and had to double check that I was in a different group. I have read variations of this same post in different groups started by the same person. Yes this is a place to vent, but repeat posts get alittle annoying. From the messages I recieved this afternoon I am not the only one that feels this way. Most of the women do not even respond because they have came across your negative posts in other groups. I think it was the Stepmom's group they were talking about, along with the multiple groups you have started yourself.

Don't shoot the messanger, as I am a newbie I guess I don't know what I maybe getting myself into. I am not afraid of voicing my opinion, and will not just sit back.

Paige - posted on 07/09/2009

10

0

0

As I stated in my above post, I have just recently joined COM and a bunch of different groups. I haven't posted to any other conversation as of yet, but not to worry I will get the hang of it I am not that ancient yet. My point above was you have posted the same or very similar problem on multiple groups, and get the same advice on each of them.

Yes this is a place to vent, but from the pm's I recieved this afternoon alot of others are tired of hearing about your problem over and over again. Many women don't bother saying anything in response to your problem posts because of the negative responses they have seen in the past.

Heidi - posted on 07/09/2009

1,347

130

174

WEll feel free to start any conversation you want to. Nobody is stopping you from that. I was venting on here for a reason. This is a vent forum isn't it???? Not once have I seen you in any of the conversations. If you don't like what is being said then why bothering posting. If people are interested they post if not they move onto the next conversation. Sure other people may have started a conversation on other forums the same way, but it doesn't always mean its the same people. Other people deal with the same crap I do and want advice as well. That is what this place is for. To vent or obtain advice.

Heidi - posted on 07/09/2009

1,347

130

174

Well Debbie if Matt showed even half the interest your husband does to his kids things might be different, but Matt shows absolutely no interest at all. From my point of view is that he really doesn't care about him at all and never has. When it comes to Tanner its only for convience and nothing more. I have had enough of his excuses, because its never ending with him. I will no longer try to get Matt to visit Tanner thats his job. He needs to be a man and a father to his son, or back away. Tanner doesn't need that in his life at all. He is old enough to realize what is going on. He knows how much time goes by between visits, he knows when his father is suppose to call and doesn't. Why would any parent treat there child like that? I can handle a lot of things that are thrown my way, but a parent that neglects there child or children should not be a parent at all. Any man can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a dad. Thankfully Tanner has a real father figure in his life. Someone that truly cares about him, because its quite obvious his bio dad doesn't because if he truly cared about his son he would do whatever it takes to see his son on a regular basis.
Sorry I am just very frustrated and at my witts end with all of this. I am tired of Tanner asking me why his father doesn't love him and care for him as much as his sisters. I can't answer those questions. I am tired of Tanner feeling left out of his dads life and I am tired of all the crap that has been going on. But what I wrote is how I feel and the way I see things.

Jaime - posted on 07/09/2009

769

35

94

Oh Debbie! I know you weren't picking on me. I totally agree it isn't fair for the child in this situation. I also know it isn't my fault I am not his bio parent. I have given plenty of assistance but it doesn't get us any further ahead. Thanks again for all your support girl!

Jaime - posted on 07/08/2009

769

35

94

Debbie- I can tell you none of the children get left out when we are all together. If my husband isn't home, I try to do fun things with the kids. When my husband is home he tried to spend time with all of them together. I agree with the knowing where you are, and if they needed you you would be there, I can just imagine how hard it will be Debbie to be missing out on some big milestones in there lives, I would try to move water to be there myself too.

Jaime - posted on 07/08/2009

769

35

94

It isn't a game Heidi. Both of us has wonderful husbands, both of us have wonderful children, and both of us have the lives we have choosen. No one is ever better than anyone else. If you think I have implied that then I am sorry, this shouldn't be a battle between us or who can get a little snid remark in about the other person. I guess I have to say it all again- I am sorry for posting anything at all in regards to you or our relationship with your son. This is very ridiculous, Tanner is the one that needs to be focused on and we should beable to work together so he has the best of both worlds not all this crap of you saying what happens at our house, and me getting my back up and telling a different story. Plus whatever happened between your relationship with Matt is your business, of course I would hear a totally different story and of course I would defend my husband. It is the same as you defending your husband if the situation was reversed. It is a women's second nature to defend there children and husband.

Some how some way we need to reach a compromise and work together for your son. I can't answer why Matt forgets to call, I can't answer why there is long periods of time between visits. I have tried but in reality I guess I haven't tried hard enough. Hopefully we can come to an understanding and WORK TOGETHER for once, instead of trying to make the other person feel inaadequet. This is my first move towards building a better future in this situation, take it what ever way you feel and let me know what you think a solution is from your view point.

Debbie - posted on 07/08/2009

626

5

103

Quoting Di:

My children get it the other way around. They have their dad (sort of) most days. But when my husbands 'real children', you know, the kids that were before them, walk in, my children go out the door, and I have to stand there and explain why my children are left behind. doesn't figure hey. Your child is the first but not counted, and my children are the ones that came after and aren't counted either.



I'm on the other end, where my hubby wants his 'other kids' and loves having them here but doesnt ignore the little ones b/c they are here. He sat them down and explained that they had their time with Dad eg. sitting on knee and stuff, but I can tell you they all still get up there even the 28yr old. Anyway they dont want anything to do with us at the moment.



I feel for Tanner, Heidi, I guess all you can do is just love him enough for two. I dont get it.  I would do anything to see my step kids again, let alone my bio kid. lol mine go on holiday's and I call everyday. I understand life gets busy, there has been times where we didnt talk to the girls for 1 week or 2, but they knew where we were and if they needed us we would be there. It's killin us that we arnt there for them now and we want to be. They have both got milestone birthday's this year and we have to miss them, it will be the first time we have missed anything like this.

Heidi - posted on 07/08/2009

1,347

130

174

Yeah right we will see if that happens because you seem to go on and on. You are the one that can't let things go. You seem to think because you have Matt and you have been with him since I was pregnant you are better then me and you won. Well its not a game. I don't want Matt, and honestly he was the biggest mistake of my life other then the fact that I got Tanner out of it. Otherwise that part of my life is history and glad that its over. Just wish I never would have gave up what I did for that man. What a waste of time he was. Many regrets being with him, and I just thankful everyday to have. Tanner. Mind you all the crap he put me through did make me a stronger and wiser person.

Jaime - posted on 07/08/2009

769

35

94

My post wasn't to start another little fight, I wasn't making a dig at you I was stating the fact of RESPECTING your abilities as a mother. I never once thought or said I was the ideal SM and I am well aware of not being in T's life as much as I would like. He is a great boy and growing up very fast.

I too could post the message I sent to T, I have a copy of what I sent. People can look at myself and our situation however they want. Just let it go already, when I post to other conversations it is not all about you all the time. Just stop looking at what I post and the game will be over. Have a great day, and I will RESPECT your space and not post again to this conversation.

Heidi - posted on 07/08/2009

1,347

130

174

Never once did I say you were trying to take anything away from me. There isn't chance in hell that could ever happen, since I already have everything I want.

You have your life and I have mine, so why do you continue take make little digs about me in other forums? You make it seem like in the stepmom forum that you are an ideal stepmom, when in fact you aren't barely in Tanners life. Did you forget you cast Tanner aside a while back sending him a message saying that you no longer want to communicate with him, or hear from him? I should post that on the stepmom forum to show everyone what you sent to your so called stepmom. Boy would people look at you differently. Its one thing to send me crap like that, but why would you send that to Tanner??? Either way whats done is done. I can't changed what you sent to Tanner, and he won't forget what you sent him. You hurt his feelings and you don't give a flying fig nuton.

So why don't you stop posting stuff about me like you said you would? Or do you truly enjoy the drama that much...

Jaime - posted on 07/07/2009

769

35

94

I do not try to take anything away from you. I have already told you I respect the fact you are Tanner's mother, I have not or do not want to take that away from you. I respect the fact you are raising a great smart handsome boy.

Heidi - posted on 07/07/2009

1,347

130

174

Hi Di

Well again on Sunday Matt was suppose to call Tanner and of course he didn't. It is quite obvious to me and my friends and family Matt does not give a flying fig nuton about his son and never has. I just don't understand why a parent would ever in a million years treat any of there kids this way. If they don't care, why not just walk away rather than leaving the kids hanging onto a thread all the time. Matt serious needs to grow up and be man to his son. I hate the way he treats Tanner. Tanner does't need that at all. I am always here to support him and love him, and always will be. Matt nor Jaime will ever take that away from me. If they don't want to be a part of his life so be it, but at least have the guts to tell Tanner that. I don't even talk to Matt at all anymore. Its been quite some time since the last conversation I have had with him and I absolutley no desire to talk or see him, but I will do so only for Tanners sake. Otherwise I would have cut all ties with that man a long long time ago. He is not worth my time nor my energy. I have built the perfect life now and wouldn't trade it in for anything or anyone. I would also never ever deny any of my kids. They are my life, but some people are different and don't have a care in the world, except for themselves. I have no patience for people like that at all.

I am sorry to hear what your boys have to go through. ITs not fair to them either. They don't need to be treated differently when the other kids come around. Why can't they all do things together? You are all a family right?

Di - posted on 07/07/2009

521

20

47

Hi Heidi, just love Tanner. Hold him, kiss him, tell him you love him. If you have faith, pray. There really is no answer you can give him. I feel so sad for what your son has to deal with. I can relate to what you are going thru on a small level. My children get it the other way around. They have their dad (sort of) most days. But when my husbands 'real children', you know, the kids that were before them, walk in, my children go out the door, and I have to stand there and explain why my children are left behind. doesn't figure hey. Your child is the first but not counted, and my children are the ones that came after and aren't counted either. It really hurts as a mother to see your children go thru this sort of thing and it boils my oil, big time. Just like Tanner, my first born is really smart. But my first born is only 4 so cant really figure it all out yet. No doubt in 5-6 years I will be sitting here trying to work out how to explain it to him too. Just want to let you know that sometimes its the other way around. I truly cry for the kids. Hugs girl, and hugs to our babies.

Heidi - posted on 07/03/2009

1,347

130

174

I know what you are all saying and its nice to have other peoples opinions. Its something I have been dealing with for years now and I thought as Tanner got older things would get better, but it doesn't. He still has a lot of anger and resentment built up towards his father and the lack of interest his father has towards him. I just never thought Matt would be that kind of dad to his son. I as a child dealt with the same issues, but I certainly didn't take it out on my mom or stepdad, because they were the ones that were there all the time for me and supported me.

Tanner has written letters to Matt in the past, sent him emails, and has tried talking to his dad on the phone about the way he feels, but the letters never got to him(not sure why) the emails went with no answer(like he never recieved them) and the phone calls the subject gets changed. I don't want to have to put Tanner through that time and time again. I would rather take the heat for whatever he says and does and have to deal with his dads temper, because I know in the end Matt will blame me for his lack of interest in Tanner like he always does. It just totally sucks watching a child go through this esspecailly since I know exactly what he is going through.

A while back I had a child psycologist do some testing on Tanner to find out what is bothering him and I am awaiting the results on that. I am hoping once I get to the bottom of this I will have a better understanding as to why he acts out like this from time to time. ITs heart breaking. Tanner is a very bright intellegent boy with a mind of his own and he can be very stubborn, so I want to do what I can for him to help him deal with this. He tells me everything that is bothering him and in the past I have tried talking to Matt about it, and Matt doesn't believe me. He thinks I am making things up or over exagerating things, but he is not around to see what is going on. I even have some of Tanners angry moments on video to show the doctor so they can see exactly what I am talking about. I love my son, and I will do anything I can in my power to help him.

So thanks for your input and ideas. Its greatly appreciated.

Francesca - posted on 07/03/2009

569

46

50

i personally wouldn't call, what will happen is you will get angry then your back to square one. i would say get your son to write a letter. ask him to put all his feelings down. but the reason he's taken it out on you isn't because he blames you, but because you are his mum, and the nearest person to him. chin up hun. give him lots of hugs he needs it. remember he doesn't mean it when he shouts at you.

His dad is the only one to blame.

Rebecca - posted on 07/02/2009

172

10

25

hi! wow! sounds sooo familer! my eldest son of 15 years has said a few choice words about his dad as well. and yea i talked to him about it too and yes i have 2 other kids and the youngest has the anger issue ....i had to get him some counseling... to talk out his problems due to him not wanting to talk to me or my grandparents... and no im not going to start any arguments or fights.. that is just down right stupid... dont know why some of them do that to some of us on here... but maybe see about getting ur son some counseling and calling the ex up and saying hey there is a problem and tell him. see what he says and if he comes up with an exsplanation. i hope this sheds some help for ya ! u are more than welcome to add me on....

Jaime - posted on 07/02/2009

769

35

94

All I can tell you is the next time he acts this way, get on the phone and call Matt. Let him hear for himself the way T is acting and what he is saying. You had to call before for an outburst try it again if it ever happens.

Another suggestion is to have T write Matt a letter telling him how he feels, or have him phone him. You need to stress to T that he needs to tell Matt how he is feeling.

I am not looking for another argument, and don't want to be accused of sticking my nose in, or acting like a dog with a bone. I am honestly trying to offer you suggestions.

Maybe someone else will post to this thread with a couple of better suggestions for you.

Hopefully things will get better eventually!

Jaime - posted on 07/02/2009

769

35

94

All I can tell you is the next time he acts this way, get on the phone and call Matt. Let him hear for himself the way T is acting and what he is saying. You had to call before for an outburst try it again if it ever happens.

Another suggestion is to have T write Matt a letter telling him how he feels, or have him phone him. You need to stress to T that he needs to tell Matt how he is feeling.

I am not looking for another argument, and don't want to be accused of sticking my nose in, or acting like a dog with a bone. I am honestly trying to offer you suggestions.

Maybe someone else will post to this thread with a couple of better suggestions for you.

Hopefully things will get better eventually!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms