MOST HELPFUL POSTS
OK, so premarital sex is not the end of the world. Yes, you are disappointed in her decision to have sex, but you can only go forward with healthy and positive dialogues & conversations about healthy relationships. You can;t change the past. Now go forward. Teens can and will be rebellious for any issue in which a parent says "NO". So for 2 years it seems like your dauighter had a pretty decent relationship with the boyfriend, and apparently you must have liked him too. But now you are refering to the bf as "THIS boy" as if he is purely rotton and evil to the core. Take a step back and think about your daughter's role in her actions. Perhaps she was equally as eager to have sex. Perhaps this boy's mother is blaming your daughter for poorly influencing her son. Instead of shunning, this is a wonderful opportunity for both sets of parents to openly discuss sex, respect, emotions, self-gratification, pregnancy, std's, and a host of other issues. Instead of belittling her, putting her down-embrace the fact that YOU, as a parent have an opportunity to open the lines of communication. I'm NOT saying to run out and put her on the pill and buy condoms-that is NOT the message. But I am saying that you need to have an open and honest talk about sex. I teach high school and can tell you that so many kids tend to talk more openly with their teachers than their parents. I've had this discussion quite a few times with students, and I always say to them that it's a serious issue that you need to share with your mom/parents. Students come to me because I am non-judgemental, and well, I know teenagers! They are all in a rush to grow up-but quite frankly, some kids are mature. Just be there for your daughter and open the lines of communication. In the grand scheme of things, premarital sex is not the end of the world.
Kate CP - posted on 06/22/2011
So...did you basically just tell her "Sex is bad, I don't want you to do it unless you're married" and left it at that?
Most teenagers are GOING to have sex. It's better that she's open and honest with you about it (and that you NOT freak out) so she'll come to you and talk to you about any problems she may have. If she has to hide from you and feel ashamed you're more likely to end up with a teen pregnancy. Explain about birth control, encourage her to use it IF she's going to have sex. Explain to her that the reason WHY it's best to wait is because IF she does get pregnant she'll be settled down with a man she'll know will stay with her and be happy that they're having a baby. Explain about STDs and how to prevent them and why limiting the number of partners you have is so important. Let her know that it's hard for even adults to control their impulses to have sex but it's important to learn how to control them. Save sex for some one special and she REALLY loves and wants to share herself with instead of any boy who will give her a hug.
I have to say I am rather relieved to hear your daughter is 16 as opposed to 13-14. At 16, there is hopefully more maturity, especially if she has been exclusively with a bf for 2 years. I still stand by my response of using this opportunity to have a great conversation with her & the bf, with both sets of parents. As concerned and worried parents-it's not pushing your kid away from you. It's letting your kid know you love them!
Constance - posted on 06/22/2011
I don't think that she is rebeling. She has been with him for 2 years so there are actual feelings on both sides. She didn't just go out to a party and sleep with a random boy. If she has never really given you a reason not to trust her then you should give her and him the chance to prove that they can be trusted. You haven't gone wrong with the way you have taught her but I am sure that you have not only said wait tll marriage but probally you reallyneed to love the person as well. She didn't wait for marriage but she did wait until she loved him and he loved her. Forcing them apart is only going to cause friction between you and her. She was honest and didn't lie to you about it. You can place bounderies like not being able to be alone for an extended period of time. I would give her a chance to make the decision if they will stay together or not.
I will say though I am a teen mom not anyore but was with my first. If your main concern is her sleeping with him again or worse than that get pregnant as a teenager. Then you can take extra precautions to prevent her from gtting pregnant birth control. It isn't condoning the act but the fact remains is it can happen again if not with him with someone else. It would just protect her IF it were to happen again,but if she is saying it won't then I would allow her to prove to you that she won't. I would allow her to see him. You can have a long talk with them and his parentsabout expectations.
Sinead - posted on 06/22/2011
my daughter is only 15month old so really cant imagine what id do in your position, but im 20 so wasnt that long ago that i was 16 got a bother who's same age, and hearing stories of people his age and what there up to is quite frightening. i think sex whether you try to prevent it or not its goin to happen, im guessin you also have religious beliefs that make this news more harder to deal with. I'd suggest trying to be open with your daughter about it, explain that your disapointed with her and dont agree with what she is doing but make sure she understands safe sex etc. im guessing maybe if you are religious that contraception maybe out of the question regarding certain types but maybe offering to help her choose one. or maybe gettin leaflets to sit down with her and read. its got to be hard to know your little girl is havin sex but i think i would rather my daughter be able to be open and honest with me about it. x
i dont think stopping her from seeing him will be wise either, maybe informing his parents of whats gone on and try to make an agreement so there is always someone around them without them realising it. as a teenager i was rebelious, i agree with the other people that maybe preventin them from seein eachother will force them together even more. maybe try sittin both of them down and talkin to them both about safe sex etc but stress u dont agree and do think they are too young.
i may also add, i know of a 13yr old who has had sexual contact with a lad, mum found out and although extremely gutted didnt go mad at her just sat her down asked her why and spoke to her about sti's to be with a stable long term boyfrend because all her friends are doing it doesnt mean she has too etc. must add that she is rebelious already. x
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Katherine - posted on 06/22/2011
2 years is a LONG time to be with someone. If she controlled herself for that long, that's a stepping stone in itself. I don't know WHEN she slept with him, but keeping her from him is just going to make it worse.
Being a team and talking about it is what you need to do. Pregnancy and STD's are the biggest issues. Unfortunately whether you like it or not, they are going to do it.
It's not the end of the world. Don't make her feel more guilty than she already does. Teach her about sex.
Linda - posted on 06/22/2011
Venessa, I understand your disappointment. I also believe that sex before and outside of marriage is wrong--not because sex is bad, but because sex is so totally awesome when it is in a committed relationship...and so devastating when it's not. This was God's plan from the start. Also, teens CAN abstain from sex, and the only safe sex is sex within marriage. I agree that you need to have a discussion with her on pregnancy and STD's. The rate of infection in teens now is astronomical. It's not really whether you will get an STD, but which one you'll get! On the other hand, we all fall prey to temptation. God can forgive her and you can forgive her. Is your daughter a Christian? Does she agree that what she did was wrong? It may be unwise to forbid her from seeing him again. She could really rebel and see him in secret. However, you can control the situation and have him over at your house visiting with your family. There can be chaperones on dates. (Yes, people still do that.) You can tell her you love her, but that you understand how strong the temptation is and that she will need to earn your trust back. Most of all, PRAY!
Ditto Shannin's questions and comments.
Chances are good that if you forbid them to be together.... they will be together even more. In addition to the abstinence talk... have you had a detailed safe sex talk?
That's all I've got for now. My girls are only 9 at the moment, so I'm still trying to sort out how I'D react in this type of situation.
Shannintipton - posted on 06/22/2011
Did you like the boy before you found this out? If you did. then I would let them continue to see each other. Just my opinion.
** edit to add
How old is your daughter? Did you like him before you found this out? Is she an otherwise good girl? I bet the more you forbid her from seeing him the more she is going to want to. Just my opinion.
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