10 year old who won't listen

Deanne - posted on 06/02/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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We ask our daughter of 10 to do something its its always a delay with her. She will eventually do it but takes her time doing it. When we ask her a second time after waiting for her to do it the first time we get attitude.

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Guest - posted on 06/02/2014

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Her having ADHD makes a BIG difference in her ability to do things you ask her to. If ADHD is the reason she is not doing what you ask her to, taking things away or hitting her is not going to change it. The only way to change that behavior is to figure out a way of telling her to do what you want her to do that grabs enough of her attention to make her act and keeps her focused until she is finished.


Different situations call for different techniques. Divide the tasks you are having trouble getting her to follow through on into two catagories--things that she needs to do every day, and things that she needs to do exactly when you tell her to.
For things that should be done every day, like putting away laundry, showering, etc., print a list of tasks she needs to complete after school in the order she needs to complete them. You might want to make a "before dinner" list and an "after dinner" list to avoid her trying to do everything right before bedtime. Put the list(s) in a cute frame and attach a dry erase marker so that she can mark off what she's completed as she goes. This is especially helpful for children (and adults) with ADHD because checking off a task activates a chemical release in the reward center of the brain (in the frontal cortex) and motivates them to move on to the next task. The POTENTIAL of being able to mark off a task also stimulates production of dopamine, which will help keep her focused on the task at hand until it is finished. It has it's limits though: If the list is too long, she will be overwhelmed and never get started. If the tasks are too vague and take too long, she will lose focus before she finishes. To get around these shortcomings, limit tasks on the list to things that will take 20 minutes or less and split complex tasks into a separate list of smaller tasks. For example, her overall list might have "Homework" as one of the tasks, but at 10, she likely has at least 90 minutes of homework each night, so break "Homework" down to a second list that lists each subject she might have work in. (Colors help too).

If you need her to do what you are telling her to do right at that moment, get her attention first. If she is watching TV, you cannot just call out to her to go gather her things for soccer (just as an example) and expect her to do it. Instead, call out her name, tell her to turn the TV off. Once she has that done, tell her to go get her soccer things.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/02/2014

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Something that should have been discussed and agreed upon BEFORE it became a problem!

The two of you HAVE to be on the same page. If you are not, you are confusing your kid. So, first step is for the two of you to be adults and address the situation.

Another thing: STOP Stop blaming ADHD for her not listening to you. Yes, it causes kids to somewhat be hard to handle, but she's 10, she's never gotten consistent discipline or consequences in her life, so that is quite A LOT of the problem now. Also, an ADHD child needs discipline and consequences just as any other kid does...

It all goes back to you and your husband getting on the same parenting page. If you cannot do so, I suggest parenting advisors who will work with each of you and both of you together.

Deanne - posted on 06/02/2014

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We aren't giving her double punishment. Its just he believes in spanking and I believe in time outs and taking privialiges away. She also has ADHD so often we have to give her constant reminders. But if she doesn't listen to her father the first time he always hits. My husband grew up with a very strict father who always hit his children if they didn't listen. My father was the same and when I was in my Teens I hated my father. I don't want the same to happen to my daughter and husband, He always tells me that my method of teaching her isn't working, He has little patience and can't tolerate her bad behaviour. She cries when she hits her and gets even more mad so he hits her again.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/02/2014

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Well, first of all, you and her father need to get on the same disciplinary page. If he is disciplining her for not listening, then why are you punishing double?

Is this a split parenting situation?

Deanne - posted on 06/02/2014

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Usually I would take her IPAD away but sometimes its hard because her father does the same thing. I have tried talking to her father and I just get yelled at.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/02/2014

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What are consequences for not doing as she's told?

Are you consistently enforcing them?

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