11 yr old daughter and her attitude/emotions! Help!

Mommabird - posted on 07/09/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I've sat down and listened to her cry and express her feelings a hundred times since she turned 11. Actually it started a few months before she turned 11. It seems like its only gotten worse. I even hid a camera last time and recorded the 2 hour meltdown/talk so i could show her what it looks like from my point of view. I feel like she's using me now to get what she wants. She knows I can't handle constant stress. And if she's told No for any reason now she will go pout and cry in her room...sometimes while she's taking a shower. If I try and talk to her it ends up being a lonnnng drawn out session that only gets me frustrated. If I end the conversation before she's done rambling on and on she will find any reason at all to get me worked up again. If I ignore it and let her deal with her emotions and learn how to solve her problem herself she makes comments that I don't love her and I don't care. She goes as far as saying she wished she were dead. Our last family talk was because her 5 yr old brother asked her what was wrong and she told him she hated her life and wished she were dead. It took 2 hrs of lecture before she stopped making excuses and agreed it was wrong for her to say that to her little brother.
Has anyone else had to deal with this behavior...constantly? Idont know what else to do. We have looked into counseling but found out we have to pay our deductible before insurance will pay for visits. We don't have the full amount all at once. She spoke to school counselor at least 3 times a week before summer came. I'm pretty sure she will make her way to the counselor the first week of school this year but I don't want to wait for help or answers. School is a whole month and half away. Anyone have tips or advice...other than what I've already tried?
PS I haven't listed every detail of my efforts but I have tried many things...just didn't want to make this a book long story.

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Raye - posted on 07/09/2015

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My step-daughter is 10-1/2 and she is getting a lot more moody. She has complete melt-downs for little things. I'm sure her hormones are kicking in, and I can't wait (sarcasm) for when she gets her monthly and really goes bonkers. While my SD has never said she would prefer to die, she wasn't getting her way about something the other day and said she was going to run away. I was shocked she would ever think of such a thing.

What generally helps for us is to not give in to her tantrums. First and foremost, make sure she's physically fine. If so, then ignore her. If she's not getting her way, tell her it's not a discussion. The decision has been made. End of story. Let her cry it out in her room or whatever, and when she see's that it's not working then she'll stop. Most times my SD is perfectly fine 10-15 minutes later, smiling and telling us she loves us. If it's a situation where she can't go to her room (in a store or car), then try to diffuse the meltdown with humor. If there's a boy around near her age, ask her if she wants the boy to come over and kiss her and make her feel better. Tell her that her bottom lip is sticking out so far a bird is going to come land on it. Try to change the subject or put the focus on something else. She'll stop crying if she starts laughing or forgets why she was mad.

If you ignore her and she complains that you don't love her and don't care, then tell her that you do love her but that she's acting like a baby. She is old enough to talk about her troubles and you will listen to her feelings if she can express them like a big girl. Crying is okay if she's really upset, and if she can't get her thoughts together to tell you why she hates her life, then maybe she should try writing it down and then letting you read it once she has made sense of it herself. If she starts expressing herself better, then maybe you could reward her by changing your mind about something and showing her that by discussing the matter in a civilized manner she stands a better chance of getting her way than by throwing a fit.

Dove - posted on 07/09/2015

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Probably a combination of hormones and desperately needing counseling. If she has said that she wishes she were dead and she fully understands what that means (which any typically developing 11 year old would)... she NEEDS to have counseling as soon as possible and stick w/ it.

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Dove - posted on 07/09/2015

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I have twins too... 13.5 year old girls... so yes, I know a lot about wicked hormones... which is how I can tell you 'some' of what your daughter is doing is normal for the age, but it is extreme enough that I would be seeking some additional help as soon as you can. Hang in there!

Mommabird - posted on 07/09/2015

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Dove and Raye. ...thank you for the insight and advice. Counseling is definitely on our agenda. Just have to readjust our budget so we can afford the sessions. MY husband is the only source of income right now. I do plan on getting a job when school starts next month...our 5 yr old will be in kindergarten so I'm able to get a job. I've been a stay at home mom for almost 4 yrs.
Since being 'under the microscope' by Precious I feel the need to verify a few things. I have 6 children total. 24, 22, 11, 5 and 22 mth old twins. I call them my children even though 3 of them are technically step children. I love them all the same...no exaggeration. I'm more of a patient person than most moms in my situation. I have unconditional love for all of them but I am adamant about having them grow up with rules and boundaries. I may have presented this post originally in a frustrated state of mind and I'm admitting I don't know everything about raising a daughter. I've only raised boys at this age.
THank you for your responses and positive insight Dove and Raye! Its much appreciated!

Mommabird - posted on 07/09/2015

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Precious...since you seem to know more about raising a preteen daughter...how old is yours??

And technically yes I'm her stepmom but for your information I call her my daughter because to me She IS. And if you knew her she would tell you Im the only MOM shesever had and she chose to call me mom when she was 6...because I AM a mom to her...not a stepmom. So get off your high horse and learn how to give advice without judging others. You don't know me at all...or my daughter.

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Ooooh no! If I only knew you were her step mom. The way some step moms talk and think about their step kids sometimes hhmm...
l actually asked myself if you were her bio mum because of how you presented the whole thing. I was right.
I just pray you finally get the help you are looking for. But your highness ma, I have to tell you the truth. And that's the fact that the girl whom you're telling us about it here is not "Impossible" and I don't believe that nothing is really working. I have a sis with a worse case but still she's very positive. And it's encouraging

Mommabird - posted on 07/09/2015

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Your assuming i haven't done any of the things you suggested. Your assumptions are wrong. I can't give every example of my efforts without making this a 5 page entry. None want to read that much info all at once.
Don't assume you know my level of concern..or lack of(as you suggested).
Your criticizing advice is exactly what Will Not help. You were right about one thing..she HAS Lost someone and we've been comforting her through it for the past 4 yrs . Her biological mom lost all rights to her 4 children including her. There has been no contact for 4 years and yes it hurts her. Hence why I try so hard to find ways to help her cope. Ive been her Mom for the past 4 years and I must have been doing something right by her because when her dad and I separated for 9 months she begged him to let her live with me. But...about her bio mom....That is one issue noone will be able to get her through until she reaches a point where she's READY to move past it. That issue never comes up in discussion about her feelings and why she feels so emotiotional. I suspect its hormones and puberty but what do i know. Imjust asking for suggestions...because I care about her.

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SUICIDAL TENDENCY MA'AM?

From experience
1. Maybe someone abused her sexually
2. Maybe she feels like a failure
3. Maybe you criticise her a lot. Why will you even record it? Why are trying so hard to prove her wrong?
4. Maybe someone has betrayed her. No matter how small she is. Could be someone really close
5. Maybe there's something she wants desperately and prefers
to die than live without it. (mine was a bicycle)
5. Maybe she's lost something too and will prefer to die than live without it.

And I'll assure you its not easy to get someone who's secretive to open up easily. Can you please stop debating with her and wrap your arms around her and tell her how much you love her? Can you swallow your pride and ask her to tell you what it really is that's making her do what she does? Can you please let her say it out completely without you trying to make her feel she's not worthy of being listened to? Stop expecting her to behave her self by all means. I'm a mother too but easy does it.

You are lucky she even said it out. Some just go ahead to commit suicide.

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