11yr old son wants to meet his father in prison

Amber - posted on 06/16/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )

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So My exhusband, (also my son's biological father) is in prison. He got 15 years for assault and battery with intent to kill (basically attempted murder), and 10 years for kidnapping me when I was 7 and a half months pregnant with my son. He was abusive the entire time we were married, and I was young and stupid. I stayed gone when he almost took my life as well as the life of my son when he was in my stomach. This was not the first time he attempted to kill us, but this time he almost suceeded. I say us because I was pregnant with my son. I ended up in the hospital and the doctors said it was a miracle I survived. There was no medical reason for me to be alive. But we survived. I have birth to an amazing son of whom I am so proud. I always say my son saved my life. There was years of court hearings. It took 2 years for my x husband to actually be sentenced. Also I forgot to mention that my x husband was a minister, but he would use that for power, and control to manipulate and justify him beating me and raping me. My son is now 11 and he has never met his father. He is begging me and begging me to meet his father on his 12th birthday. My x is still in prision so physically it would be a safe place to visit him. However I don't find any safety mentally ,emotionally or anything else!! I know son us curious, and I know it is only natural for him to want to meet his father. I would never be angry with my son for that, but I have spent the past 11 years keeping my son safe! My son also kept safe because he gave me a reason to fight for my life and leave that abusive situation and face that man in court. Even though I was scared out of my mind, it wasn't about me anymore, it was about son, and protecting him, and making sure that he would never have to grow up in that kind of enviroment, and because of that I am no longer a victim, but a victor!! A domestic abuse survivor, but my son is still a victim emotionally. He struggles, cries himself to sleep, he's starting puberty and trying to figure out who he is as a man. He has a good male romodel in my dad, and is also involved in scouts. But he wants me to take him on his 12th birthday to meet his dad. I had a talk with my son tonight, and asked him what does he hope the outcome would be if he got to meet his dad. He said he wants a relationship with his dad and a father, son bond, and maybe they can be close. That scares the shit out of me. I told him that that was absolutely normal for him to want a relationship with his dad, and I would never be angry with him for wanting that, however it is not safe. I thought at first maybe it was just out of curiosity, but it's deeper than that. He is yearning to have a dad, and I think also to identify with his dad because I think he's trying to figure out who he is as a man. He is surrounded by women. He mentions that a lot which is why I got him involved in boy scouts and like I said, he has a good relationship with his grandpa (my dad). I don't know. I'm sick to my stomach and scared. What do you guys think about me letting him meet his dad in prison at his age? Also my son has ashburgers and is super book smart and intelegent, but emotionally a little immature for his age. I don't want Isaac to hate me or resent me in the future because I didn't let hom wet his dad, however I think he is too young, but this could be his father's last year in prison. His 85% of his time will be finished in February 2016, and he will be up for parole. I will be there to testify to ask the courts to keep him in prison. I am scared of this man, and do not want him to hurt my son or me when he gets out. The only reason I was even think ming about letting my son meet his father is because at least now it could be in a setting where there is guards and a glass wall to protect us. Please let me know what you think.

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Raye - posted on 06/17/2015

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I think you should maybe write to your ex and see if he also wants to see his son, and have him explain to you how he's changed while in prison to be someone you can trust around your child. If he doesn't want to see him, then you have your answer. If he does, then I would also try to find out from the prison guards what their opinion is of his behavior while in prison... if he's cooperative or a trouble-maker.

I'm sure you will never be able to fully trust this man again. But maybe your son should have an opportunity to form his own opinion of his father. If dad is a jerk to the boy, it will hurt him (and you) but at least the boy will have seen for himself instead of going by someone else's opinion, and that may be a better way for him to learn to live his life without that man in it. It may also be a safe environment and a controlled method to see how they react to each other. If you were to wait until your ex gets released, he may decide to inject himself back into your lives in a worse way. Before he is released, you could at least gauge his level of interest in seeing the boy and head off any potential harm by planning ahead for when he gets released.

It would look better on you to let him visit. So, if you end up going to court over visitation rights later on down the road, you can say that you tried to allow him access to his son and have a basis for any decision you may make about allowing/restricting visitation.

And, who knows. Maybe something good could actually come of it.

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