12 Year old Daughter Moved out

Dawn - posted on 11/09/2014 ( 11 moms have responded )

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After a fight over her mobile phone her dad bought her My daughter left to her dads and has refused to come home. Has visited once for a Family party and also came on vacation on a trip that was planned months ahead for her. While on the trip she was her normal self, even saying she was going to come back home. But the second we returned she left to dads and I have not seen her since. I refused to call or text her because she is always rude. 4 days went by and she sent a text questioning why I had not called. I called and asked her when she was going to visit and she got very angry saying " did you call to bug me to come home" So I fired back saying she was rude and was raised better and obviously doesnt care how her mother feels and that I would no longer be calling or texting, that since she was such a big girl now she would have to do the calling.
I can not express enough how angry I am at her. I want to pack up her room and sell everything in it. On top of this her father and his girlfriend continue to harass me on social media and they are just BAD BAD people. I do not want my daughter even around them but nothing I can do about that. I was ok with visits through out the week but to be there full time..no Oh he also has a 60 year old room mate nobody knows, he met the guy at work and he was charged with possession..great environment.
I really dont know what to do

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Raye - posted on 11/10/2014

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When I was young, the only communication I had with my dad was on the phone (he lived 2 states away) but he would try to tell me that the child support money was my money and why wasn't my mom giving me that money. I was too young to know that it was being spent on the necessities of food, shelter, clothes. My dad made it seem like I should get it all to spend on toys and junk. He was still trying to make my mom miserable by manipulating me. It was pathetic. I don't know why people try and use their kids to get back at their exes. But that's what it sounds like your ex is doing.

Threatening your daughter that you're not going to contact her is not going to help the situation. Then she will only have her father filling her head with lies. Talk to her. Don't mention when/if she is coming home or going to visit you. Call her just to see how her day was. Text her to say you love her. Show her love and she will start seeing for herself how selfish and manipulative her dad is being. My dad is an asshole, but mom rarely spoke bad about my father, and I have formed my own opinions based on his actions.

If I were you, I would keep collecting proof of your ex providing a bad environment. Eventually you might be able to get a judge to hear your case (hopefully before something bad happens to your daughter). Don't give up on her, but also don't neglect your other kids or yourself. She may have to learn her lessons the hard way, and you have to take care of the rest of your family.

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David - posted on 12/27/2014

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Sounds to me like both you and your daughter have the same anger management issues and the same self-worth-insecurity-issues ...

Since you cannot control her ... you need to start the solution by getting control over yourself.

There are plenty of "self-help" books and tapes on anger management and self-worth issues ... you need to get some of them and get a grip ....

Remember ... you have a JOB TO DO ... BE A PARENT ... not an adult child. This should not be about YOUR emotions ... but rather ... about your MISSION and RESPONSIBILITY to do the job as a parent of inculcating your daughter with the desired character, values, sense of self worth, etc. and ... step-wise autonomy so that she can become a steady, strong, emotionally healthy mature adult over the next few years ... putting your petty emotions ahead of your responsible life mission as her parent ... is ... well ... immature and childish and foolish on your part. Text her and affirm your love for her, and your sadness that you both let momentary emotions get in the way of loving and helping each other ... and then, without criticism ... SHARE ... someting positive about your day ... and ask her how hers is ... keep it neutral and light and positive ... recall the good things ... rebuild based on positive history, positive present ... and do not demand ... remember ... you are not in the drivers seat right now ... and screaming at her will work less well than screaming at your car to go fuel and repair itself ... .

Get yourself clear that this is not about YOU ... it is about your MISSION AND RESPONSIBILITIES as a parent ...

clear enough?

Rebecca - posted on 11/10/2014

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My daughter doesn't know her father very well. He's been making phone calls then he would hang up once me or my daughter answers the calls. She's been telling me that his dad phones when she gets home from school and when she answers, he just hangs up.

I suggest u try to talk to her

Dawn - posted on 11/09/2014

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The reports have been filed with police over the last few years. But again, because it does not involve my daughter the judge will not even listen to it.

Ev - posted on 11/09/2014

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As the others have pointed out, we see that you are doing things that she is doing back to you because she sees that as the way to handle issues. If you have given her everything she needs and beyond that all the time, she might be expecting to get things just because. What I do not get is why there has been no other forms of things done where you say about the rape and inappropriate actions have been done by her father with children and such. If he is doing those kinds of things yet nothing is getting done or recorded in the courts, there is not much you can do if she decides to live with dad. You have to prove he is inappropriate with kids. If the family services have checked it out and done nothing...how do you expect to keep her from his house.

Dawn - posted on 11/09/2014

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Today was the FIRST time I have yelled at her. Due to the fact I am tired of exhausting all of my efforts to be nice and work this out. I have been in counselling for 5 years now and have done every thing the cousellor suggest.

What started the fight was...we bought my step daughter some PJ's because she has out grown all of her clothes here. My daughter said " I should be getting new clothes with my dads money he pays you with" I said "What?" She said " My dad pays you support, thats my money" I said " we have bought you new clothes several times already this year, and you dont need anything right now" She then said " You guys are assholes" and stormed into her room
I followed her and took her phone from her hand and said you are grounded, we dont swear
She screamed " You cant take that my dad pays for the phone" I walked out and shut the door
she then said she was leaving and never coming back

Am I supposed to beg her to visit or to call?
I have gone out of my way to do everything for her and provide her with more than needed and this is how I get treated? Dont have these issues with ANY of the other 3 kids, who are 16,15 and 10. She is the only one who acts this way

Jodi - posted on 11/09/2014

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So why are you yelling at the CHILD. Even after your second post, I question your level of maturity in handling this situation. This is not actually the child's fault. Yes, she was rude, yes she is being a brat, but the situation itself is an issue you need to take up with her father and if the two of you can't resolve it in mediation, you need to go to court. Keep in mind that the court WILL take into consideration how your daughter feels. But if she's doing this just to be a brat, they probably won't change legal custody.

I'm curious, why did you fight over the phone in the first place?

Dawn - posted on 11/09/2014

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I need to be more clear on things.
I have full custody of my daughter. She called me an asshole, I took her phone away. She went to visit her dad and refused to return home. The police could not force her to return because she is 12...she then LIED to police saying my husband (her step dad) pushed her. Our other children told the police she was lying.
2 weeks went by with no calls from her. she refused to answer my text (dad had the police come and get the phone back the same day)
Dad then changed her phone number so I had no way to even contact my daughter
My husband and I have 4 children together
We surprised my daughter with a trip to Disney World just the 3 of us for Halloween months before any of this happened
She refused to come until my mother got involved and told her to go on the trip

Since the trip she will not answer my text and if I get her on the phone she is rude
she tells me off, and to stop making her feel bad The only thing I say is "are you coming to visit? Good night and I love you"

As far as just my opinion of her father....I left her father because he raped me
Was secretly doing drugs and spending all of our money forcing me to stand in line at food banks
His new girlfriend moved in 3 weeks after I moved out with her daughter and son
He was reported for inapropriate behavior with 2 minors including this womans daughter, so she moved out but is helping him get my chilld
Him and him room mate have been reported to childs services and yet there is nothing that can be done because my daughter is legal age to decide for herself

Ev - posted on 11/09/2014

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I have to agree with Dove on that. You sound like this is all about how you feel. Granted she had her phone taken away because you had a fight over it. But you allowed her to go instead of making her come home and face you, you argued with her, you were also rude back which does not teach her how to handle issues. She is only learning what you are showing her how to do. She is going to act the same way. This has the ring of "Do as I say not as I do" to it. Meaning its okay for mom to act rude and so on but its not okay for the child to do so when that is all the child sees. So you are sending her a lot of mixed messages too. Go seek counseling soon or you are going to loose what you have left with your child. As for the father's house and so on and who lives there, if you are so worried about the situation, get proof of the ones living there and take it back to court and get the possession charge it is public record. If this man has a charge like that, the judge is surely not going to allow the child back there or the man is going to have to move out. As for the father and the GF being bad people, that is just your opinion.

Dove - posted on 11/09/2014

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She is TWELVE!!! She is 'supposed' to be rude and obnoxious right now... it's called hormones. For you, as her mother, to not try and communicate w/ your child when she has 'run away' because she is rude... is emotional blackmail.

You don't want her w/ her father, but you don't want to grow up and be a mother and act in a mature, motherly fashion... where the hell is she supposed to go?

Personally... I recommend you go to counseling and learn how to communicate w/ your daughter to help her. If your reaction to her being rude is to ignore her and want to sell her stuff... newsflash: She wasn't raised better.

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