12 Year Old, has boyfriend, not communicating with Mom

Lisa - posted on 02/14/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My beautiful daughter that I have raised alone has very recently been more to herself. We have been very close up until now. A couple of weeks ago she began to cry in the car. I asked her what the problem was and she said that all of her friends come to her for advise, that she is the "fixer" of problems. I told her that true friends would never place that kind of a burden on her shoulders.

We had a talk and all seemed fine. It made me begin to think of social media. She has been more and more to herself, but still things seemed fine. She has an iphone with SnapChat, Instagram, texting, and recently I found out she had Twitter to follow her favorite band. I caught her in a small lie about going to the part. I asked her and her friend if there were boys there, which I'm not opposed to, and they said no, just girls. I really was torn on finding more info but every parent I spoke to said I should have her passcodes and check out her posts to make sure everything is ok.

I joined TeenSafe and quickly found out that she has a boyfriend. For the most part, everything else was ok. Some inappropriate things on Twitter that I did discuss with her. I approached her about the language between her and her so called boyfriend. Very innocent, yet I disapprove of his wording of "dating". Although most of the kids use code for cussing, he has used the S word and pissed off verbiage that I'm not fond of. Since telling my daughter that I'm monitoring her phone, just is more withdrawn and does not really talk to me. I'm sure it's because I took her device, but also because I told her that she is too young to have a boyfriend. I pulled her Ipad last night at 11:00pm. Put it on the counter and text that the ipad was going up to her crush. Even though she knows that I see her texts, she texted to him "That was my Mom and I don't like her texting my friends.

It's V-Day. Every year my sweet daughter has made me something. This year nothing, no more good night Mom, no more I love You's, no more hugs. She looks at me like she does not care. No tears, no emotion. She has ALWAYS been so loving. I'm a single Mom, have always been passive aggressive, which many dual parent roles have been. I'm definitely the aggressive parent right now laying down ground rules. I'm not proud of blowing up a time or two, I need to work on that! BUT... she is only 12, and I want to protect her and keep her innocent as long as I can. Today's social media is scary. We're heading down a scary path that I'm not sure I'm ready for.

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Jodi - posted on 02/14/2016

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1. Why does your 12 year old have all this social media with your permission? She's 12. She legally shouldn't even have it, but even more importantly, children don't have the social skills to be able to use social media appropriately. I know all the other kids have it, but if all the other kids jumped off a bridge, would you let her? I have seen some really horrible things happening on social media of kids this age, and I can tell you now, there is now WAY my daughter will be getting any of that at 12 (my son was 15 before he had any kind of smart phone - and that's because he had a job; big difference between social skills at 12 and social skills at 15).

2. Why the heck is your daughter still awake at 11pm at night? That's way too late for a 12 year old too.

3. If she has lied to you about stuff, time to remove the technology.

Ev - posted on 02/14/2016

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{{We had a talk and all seemed fine. It made me begin to think of social media. She has been more and more to herself, but still things seemed fine. She has an iphone with SnapChat, Instagram, texting, and recently I found out she had Twitter to follow her favorite band. I caught her in a small lie about going to the part. I asked her and her friend if there were boys there, which I'm not opposed to, and they said no, just girls. I really was torn on finding more info but every parent I spoke to said I should have her passcodes and check out her posts to make sure everything is ok. }}
-----In the first place she should never had access to any type of social media, a phone like that. But since you made the choice to allow all this, you should have been forth coming with rules. You should have also been checking her phone, computer, iPad and any other tech device daily for the messages and other forms of contact with these "friends" on the internet. You should have had rules and consequences in place already so she understood that if she faltered, you would implement those. IN the end you found out things the hard way.-----

{{I joined TeenSafe and quickly found out that she has a boyfriend. For the most part, everything else was ok. Some inappropriate things on Twitter that I did discuss with her. I approached her about the language between her and her so called boyfriend. Very innocent, yet I disapprove of his wording of "dating". Although most of the kids use code for cussing, he has used the S word and pissed off verbiage that I'm not fond of. Since telling my daughter that I'm monitoring her phone, just is more withdrawn and does not really talk to me. I'm sure it's because I took her device, but also because I told her that she is too young to have a boyfriend. I pulled her Ipad last night at 11:00pm. Put it on the counter and text that the ipad was going up to her crush. Even though she knows that I see her texts, she texted to him "That was my Mom and I don't like her texting my friends. }}
-----Now that you have found a application to find out what her text messages are; she is going to be mad. She was allowed the freedom to have access prior to anything out there and did not think you would ever find out what she was up to. Did you know that if she got into taking inappropriate pictures of herself that could land not only her into hot water but you as well? It would be considered child porn at the least and is a federal crime not to mention any local and state crimes it posses. If she had sent those kinds of pics out to anyone there is no telling where they would land and it could ruin her future choices in schooling and jobs.-----

{{It's V-Day. Every year my sweet daughter has made me something. This year nothing, no more good night Mom, no more I love You's, no more hugs. She looks at me like she does not care. No tears, no emotion. She has ALWAYS been so loving. I'm a single Mom, have always been passive aggressive, which many dual parent roles have been. I'm definitely the aggressive parent right now laying down ground rules. I'm not proud of blowing up a time or two, I need to work on that! BUT... she is only 12, and I want to protect her and keep her innocent as long as I can. Today's social media is scary. We're heading down a scary path that I'm not sure I'm ready for.}}
-----Right now she is not happy with you--what do you expect. When a child has been reprimanded by the parent for something that is against the rules they will be mad. And as with all kids, mine included (adults now), they get over it. She may hate the idea that her mom found out what she was up to but in the end if you keep doing what you say you are doing, she will be glad you did.
You should have had some rules set up in the beginning. You could have not given her the tech gadgets as well. No kid under 18 needs these things which are a privilege rather than a right or actual need. They do not understand the responsibilities that go with technology and internet usage. They do not think about what they are saying in texts, in what pictures they take, nor the fact that it is out there for anyone to see or read. They are not informed enough to know what sorts of choices they can make to not get into trouble.

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Dove - posted on 02/14/2016

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This is why you spend years (from the time they are very little) educating them about ALL of these things... boys, social media, how they should focus on school, friends, and fun... and NOT boys until at least the late teens, etc... and not giving them free reign on social media (by not giving them devices of their own at this age and by educating them fully since all of their friends are likely to already have these devices) at this young of an age...

Always communicating about tricky topics from a very young age. You let up on the reins far too much, far too young and are now having to change that... which is (understandably) making your daughter want to rebel. It's really hard to accept increasing limits as a child gets older since it 'should' be able to be the other way around if things are started off right.

I absolutely would completely remove the phone at this point. No 12 year old needs an iPhone or any accounts on social media.

My daughters got Instagram at 13 and iPods (and other apps) at 14... and we still talk about the dangers ALL the time. Drives them nuts because they know it all and are smart and always tell me 'mom, we know... we just talked about it in school again.' I always respond w/ 'I know you are smart and you know it all, but it's my job as a mom to bug the snot out of you about it'. lol

I'm not sure about how else to back track at this point. You want to keep the lines of communication open and set reasonable limits... but if she already has no respect for your boundaries I would highly consider seeking some back up help from a counselor for the two of you to work with... A counselor can be an incredible resource for a single mom as a sounding board and someone to hold you accountable to the rules and consequences you set for your child... as well as giving your child a safe place/person to talk to about things she may not want to say to you.

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