12 year old Step Son refuses to learn anything!

[deleted account] ( 17 moms have responded )

I came into my step son Cyrus's life 3.5 years ago. He was in the 3rd grade, now going into 6th. He repeated 3rd grade that same year. Before he left 5th grade this year...we had a conference with his two teachers. They both said what every teacher has said about him..."they have never seen a child so resistant to learning in all their years of teaching."From kindergarten to 5th grade he would throw himself on the ground and cry if he was asked to participate in learning. He is very selective in what he puts his time into. Food and tv. He'd literally rather stare at a wall then try to learn to read. If the book doesn't have pictures he won't pick it up. He cries when I try to help him read. He refuses it. The only time he puts effort into anything....and succeeds is when his dad raises his voice at him. We took away his video games and tv for the past month and said he will get them back when he puts some effort into education and chores but nothing has changed. He just stares at the wall. My other step son who's 11 and my son who's 10 have the same rules as him and they do great. They work hard, they want to make us proud, and they obey rules. Cyrus just doesn't care. When its chore time we have to remind him about 10 times before he finally does them, they are always half done with the smallest effort. We also caught him watching porn on his kindle which he some how figured out how to bypass the child lock. He can't even spell but he figured out how to spell naked ladies. He lies over everything too. Just simple things like brushing his teeth, or leaving his bike outside. He will make up a story of how he had nothing to do with it. When he has conversations with us or other adults he talks in a baby voice. I know he knows more then he lets off. We've had him tested and they say he has ADD but we didn't want to have to resort to medicine. Does anyone have any other suggestions or anyone been in the same boat? Sorry for such a long story, this is the first time I've been able to express this. Thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2013

13,264

21

2015

And if it looks like ADD, acts like ADD, it probably IS ADD!

LMAO. You don't see how calling people "fat ass" and "old hag" isn't a personal attack?

You contradict yourself several times in the 8 posts here. In your OP, you state that "We've had him tested and they say he has ADD but we didn't want to have to resort to medicine." That indicated (to most intelligent human beings anyway) that his physician had evaluated him and diagnosed ADD. THEN, you state in your that I am an "angry uptight mother" which is a personal attack.

Your 3rd post contradicted your first by saying that it was his school counselor that "suggested" he had ADD, that it wasn't officially diagnosed. So which is it? Was he tested, or was it a counselor's suggestion that he needs to be? And again, a personal attack about hypocritical mother hens.

Your 4th post seems as if it's written by an adult, but is negated completely by your 5th post, in which you accuse Dove of the same "fat assed hypocritical" behaviour! LMAO!!!

6th post, again with attacks (delusional, old hags, etc) And yet you still fail to acknowledge that NEITHER DOVE NOR MYSELF SAID TO MEDICATE THE KID...We suggested non medicated alternatives, and that you'd have to discuss that with your physician. How in the bloody hell is that "pushing beliefs down your throat"??? We're agreeing with you on the med standpoint!

Ah, but there are none so blind as those who refuse to see...

Dove - posted on 07/12/2013

11,909

0

1350

If it were my kid... I'd be doing whatever it took to get him help. If not for medication... then weekly counseling and whatever else the doctor and counselor could possibly suggest. You say he's been like this since Kindergarten (according to the school)... and he's going into 6th grade.... So his parents have basically been failing HIM for 6 years... You can't just expect someone w/ legitimate issues to overcome them on his own. Especially not a child. He needs help and he needs it now. Structure and rules (and probably no unsupervised computer usage) for sure... but it sounds like his issues go a bit beyond what just regular parenting can solve. I'd urge his father to have him in counseling and very regular doctor appointments until something can be discovered to help this poor child.

I just read your post about his mother abandoning him... All the more reason to seek additional assistance. Abandonment by a parent can REALLY screw up a kid and it's up to the remaining parent to do everything in his/her power to counteract the negative impact that abandonment created.

Dove - posted on 07/12/2013

11,909

0

1350

That wasn't a personal attack, but calling us delusional among the other things you have ranted IS a personal attack... I wish you could see what you are posting from another person's point of view... you seem so anti-meds that you can't even see that we aren't pushing meds... just saying it MIGHT be needed.

Your op says you had him tested and the result was ADD... but then later you say the school diagnosed him ADD... you never mention counseling (outside of the school) until your third response and don't mention that his counselor doesn't think it's ADD until your fifth response... We are trying to go off of what you are posting, but as soon as you get a response... you jump all over it... and then piece by piece let out more information. Sorry... we aren't mind readers and we aren't saints. Just humans who only have YOUR words to go on.... and you are all over the place.

Obviously you won't comprehend anything that I have to say because you've already painted me as the devil... so good luck.

Dove - posted on 07/12/2013

11,909

0

1350

Get over yourself lady. The boy needs HELP! I don't care if he has ADD or not, but he's had issues since Kindergarten and obviously nothing that's being done is helping him... so find him HELP. Suck it up and quit sitting on your butt whining about the boy having issues and get him the help he needs. That MIGHT be meds... it might not be, but we are not professionals... just moms. Get him into a developmental child psychologist for a full evaluation (something that should have been done years ago). Seek a second opinion... a third... whatever the hell it takes until someone somewhere gives you the magic answer.... cuz right now you and his father are failing him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2013

13,264

21

2015

How is me telling you that if his dad doesn't want to medicate, ASK THE PHYSICIAN FOR NOT MEDICAL OPTIONS uppity?

Just wondering. Like I said, you clearly stated that he's been diagnosed ADD, and from the description of his behaviour he IS in that spectrum, and yet you question why he acts the way he does. That's what I'm wondering. Since it's so blatantly obvious, and he's got a diagnosis to back it up, then the next step is to research treatment options.

I'd also like to know where I said that my "answer to everything is stimulants"? Please? I stated " Treat the ADD. If you don't want to medicate, ask the physician for alternatives"

Oh, and honey, I've raised 2 boys, And I well understand the desire NOT to medicate. But you also cannot ignore the behaviour and just hope it goes away

17 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/15/2013

13,264

21

2015

But I may have a duck shaped ass...

LOL...and I'm definitely power hungry...

Kristi - posted on 07/14/2013

1,355

3

78

Here's your alternative...although technically this can't be diagnosed in children, I'll jump right off the ADD bus and onto the ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER bus for him.

For you, you're in the midst of a psychotic break and are enjoying some delusions of grandeur along the way.

Shawnn, Dove...I'll see your fat, power hungry, hypocritical, duck shaped asses in hell! ; )

[deleted account]

Personal attack? Look in the mirror. 10 Secs after i join circle of moms and post something that is badly effecting this family and I get this post, "Well, lets see.
He's diagnosed ADD, but you don't want to treat it. But yet, you don't understand why he acts the way he does? Crying out loud, you cannot ignore the diagnosis, continue to yell and scream at the kid" I never said I don't understand why he acts that way,and who said we scream? I wanted responses from mothers who have been in my shoes that haven't used the typical ADD CURE. I already said we weren't given alternatives. Both you woman no damn straight that the response to my first post was patronizing...for crying on loud. I guess I need to go join an alternative forum. Not close minded mommies who live on forums bashing posts they don't agree with to compensate for something they are missing at home. Shawwn and dove are obviously friends on this forum that have to carry each other around on circle of moms to feel power they can't get offline. I think I'm going to go join a father forum, they seem to have more common sense, open minds and respect nowadays then mothers do.

Dove - posted on 07/12/2013

11,909

0

1350

You didn't say anything about him being in counseling until after we had both finished posting.... Neither of us are pushing meds and I only 'jumped' on you after your 'attack' on Shawnn thinking that she's pushing meds... which she wasn't. I stand by my 'get over yourself' comment because your ranting and raving and personal attacks are telling me that I was dead on there. Good luck.

[deleted account]

You woman are delusional. When did i say I'm ignoring it. Because I won't do meds that were suggested by a school counselor. Even his own private counselor said she's not sure its ADD. Why do people come on this forum? To get bashed by old hags? Where is the real woman who have been through this and have solutions that have worked? Other then meds. Why dont you people that believe in meds go on some other posts and agree and have fun. Why bash someone elses beliefs and say there is not other way. I said he was in counseling. Are you guys closed minded on this forum? I know there is not just angry old woman on here, where are the normal folks who have lived out side of the box?

[deleted account]

Wow dove you got more issues then shawwn. You hypocritical moms who probably sit on your fat old asses trying to take control over other peoples issues because you can't take care of yourselves. I let everyone know to not come to this forum and to definitely avoid dove and shawnn. I feel bad for your children and husbands, if you really have any.

[deleted account]

Thanks for your good advice dove. He is in counseling. We can't afford an actual psychiatrist so we have him seeing a counselor 3 times a week. His father is very involved and loving. He took the role as a mother and a father. He has positive attributes of both roles. I know all children are different but Cyrus compared to his brother is the complete opposites but both have been raised the same. I'm only comparing the two for the sake of this post. His brother makes straight A's great in sports, loving, respectful, hard worker, normal child misbehavior. Cyrus I do believe was effected by his mothers abandonment. I think that's where his baby talk comes from when he is around woman. He is loving, but he just has no desire to accomplish anything. He doesn't act up in obvious ways around us, he just does it in school and very sneaky behind our backs and then denies everything.

[deleted account]

Where in my post did I say, "I'm ignoring the behaviour and just hope it goes away." It was the school counselor who said he has ADD. She also said my other step son has it, but he shows to obvious "signs" of what people consider ADD. So when a child is crazy and unruley he has ADD, if a child doesn't learn to read he is ADD, if a child talks to much he has ADD, a child day dreams to much...ADD. Sorry we aren't jumping on the first assumption diagnoses of the all popular ADD. Circle of moms forum is a place...I thought, for real moms going through real issues to get real advice not belittled. If I wanted to do what the school counselor already suggested I wouldn't have came here. Their alternative is nothing else. THATS WHY I CAME HERE TO GET an alternative to the latter!!! Don't be one of those people that repeats what I already said I'm not going to do. If you don't like it, move on to another post where you redundancy is appreciated. Don't try to shove your beliefs down my throat. You obviously see that I'm not doing meds, no question. Yet, you still can't help it. Your "tone" in your post that anyone would be able to see is just patronizing. I'm unjoining the circle of moms group forum, I thought there was no judging or nagging here, but there will always be you hypocritical mother hens.

[deleted account]

Shawnn no need to get uppity. Chill. As you can see, I am a STEP PARENT. I can only do so much. His mom left a long time ago before I even came into the picture. She is a dead beat mother who has nothing to do with her children by choice. So don't go assuming that all mothers stay in the picture. Cyrus's father has been the only parent to him until I came along. If you haven't read articles or watched the news.....many children are diagnosed with ADD as a FAD DIAGNOSES, I was as well. I became violent as child when I was put on meds for ADD. Everyone and their grandma is diagnosed with it. The neighborhood girl down the street is on 8 different meds for ADD, ADHD, insomnia and she is STILL wild! So before your answer to everything is stimulants like Ritalin and then antidepressants like Straterra you need to rethink before you go jumping on the band wagon of taking pills for every problem a child has. In our house we don't even take Tylenol. We believe there are alternatives. I was going to leave out that section about ADD in my original post because I didn't want to deal with the ADD fanatics that don't think there is any other underlying issue or solution but meds. I wanted someone to reply that had been going through the same issues not an angry uptight mother. Please don't respond unless you're going to say something helpful or you've been in my shoes. I don't need to be nagged at.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2013

13,264

21

2015

Well, lets see.

He's diagnosed ADD, but you don't want to treat it. But yet, you don't understand why he acts the way he does?

Treat the ADD. If you don't want to medicate, ask the physician for alternatives, but for crying out loud, you cannot ignore the diagnosis, continue to yell and scream at the kid, and hold him responsible for actions that could be related to his disorder (the disorder that you refuse to treat)

Yeah. Good idea there.

His mother and your husband need to come to an agreement on treatment and step up and take care of it.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms