12 yo daughter wants to live with dad

Erin - posted on 07/12/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter threw a fit and never wanted to go visit dad for any extended length of time in another state for yrs. This past Christmas she was told she could go to Japan but only if ahe stayed there to live. Of course she EMAILED me to tell me she wanted to go. I said no. Her step mom had apparently told her she could go. When i asked her dad, he had no knowledge of the conversation. He also stated to me when he pucked her up at Christmas that he had lost his job with DOD and asked for the child care portion of the child support back. I was under the impression at the time that he needed the money to make sure he could bring our daughter back to the half way point after her visit- he stated no. That since she was babysitting other kids that she didnt need childcare anymore herself. Both my boyfriend and i work 3rd shift and even with great neighbors and a check with our local police talking with my girl ( no age restrictions on being home alone as long as the kids are able to handle medical emergency, fire, and burglar and have planned escape routes- which we do) the only rule we imposed on top of regular rules was yhat she wasnt allowed to use her bb gun unless absolutely necessary! My ex insisted she have a babysitter. So i started taking her couple doors down- my bf's ex and her family life there, my girl also babysits for them regularly. Win win situation. Since her Christmas visit her dad rarely calls but now the stepmom calls all the time and texts my daughter on her phone. Its usually not bad texts individually however if taken all together they paint me out to be a mean mom. They promise my daughter material stuff and her attitude has been horrible. I ended up enrolling her in counseling ( against his wishes) so she can at least attempt to have relationship wiyh her dad & help deal with issues of empty promises) i even ended up taking a month unpaid off work to spend extra time with her and try to repair the damages that the tects and calls from stepmom were doing. I thought we were on right track and doing better. My girl is currently with her dad and stepmom and assorted siblings now and she has been rude and told me she is staying there instead of coming home. I told her we can talk about it when she got home but she hung up on me and refuses to amswer my calls. She will occasionally respond to a tect but its rude and hateful and plain obstinate. She is totally out of character for her sweet self and i promise its not teen hormones!!! In the past her dad very rarely has anything to do with her, has repeatedly taken me to court for reducing support, and is always "busy" when i try to make her call. When she was ten i told my ex i was done making excuses and it was up to him to have a relationship with our daughter. He refused to help with any costs ( med, sental, vision, - even asked me to sign paper for court saying i would cover all expenses and that he wasnt in arrears. How can i help my daughter het a reality check on her dad and not badmouth him in the process? He can not financially, emotionally support our daughter and im scared to death right now if she goes to live out there that she will run away again or go into serious depression.

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Jodi - posted on 07/12/2015

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But you said dad wasn't the issue, that step-mum was. So other than asking dad about the trip to Japan, when else are you communicating with him about this stuff? The empty promise isn't his, it's hers.

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Erin - posted on 07/12/2015

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I need help for my daughter but im at a loss of how to help- counseling isnt helping (that i can tell), her attitude is worse than ever, she is almost cruel in what comes out of her mouth... the counseling is supposed to be helping her build a relationship with her dad AND help her and i get stronger together!

Erin - posted on 07/12/2015

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Dad has never had to do anything for her, partly my fault. I moved home (600miles) to get help to raise her. Before i left there was a lot of problems with alcohol and he frequently was physical. I left the first time he went after her. I dnt know a whole lot about his life now because i dnt feel like its my business nor is my everyday life his business. The last few yrs have finally calmed down court wise so i would rather not put our daughter through anymore. Shes been through enough. I just want to make sure she is happy and healthy but it seems like she is always low self esteem and hateful when she comes home. I let him know basics and send pics of accomplishments in school, but we dnt talk much due to it usually ending up in argument because of something that was promised or said to our girl. Hes usually clueless about stuff that is going on with our girl and he tells me to talk to his wife-" she deals with the kid stuff"

Erin - posted on 07/12/2015

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Im bad mouthed frequently n then they try to sugar coat it when my girl gets upset. Hence the counseling. Shes even looked into being in military so "dad will be happy".
Lawyer said he will nail his own coffin shut but im concerned

Michelle - posted on 07/12/2015

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It doesn't sound like her Dad in the problem though, it's his wife. Why is she contacting your daughter all the time and promising a trip to Japan?
While she is still a minor you need to go back to court if she wants to live with him. Get it all in writing and she can tell the courts why she wants to live there. It doesn't mean they will listen though.
Get yourself a lawyer and see if you can have written in the orders something about limiting the contact from his wife to your daughter as well. That's not normal.

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