12 yr old Daughter!

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

First let me ask if the women on here dont mind I am seeking advise on this site.I am a single father who has raised a little girl from basically infant.She was born in 00 and I recieved custody in 04,her mom hasnt been around in any form since 06.There is much more that I rarely have even shared with anybody.I am here because every single thing I search and have experienced leads me to sites like this one.And if yall will have me I will be grateful for advise. I dont think mens points of view are invaled just not many who experience my situation.The fact of the matter is even though I have raised her at twelve there are just things a man doesnt know.It seems 99% of the time as soon as I wake her up for school she is mad at me.I go out of my way and way out of my nature to to be understanding but most of the time it take me taking away privledges,phone,computer etc before she will stop.My problem is making her stop or forcing her to apologize is just a surface fix...I want to resolve the under lying problem and dont know where to start.The rejection is hard for me and today she told me she hates me.I dont know if its because of everything Ive been through..or if its just that tough to hear but to say I am frustrated is an under statement! Does anyone have any advice? I would appreciate any I can get! thank you


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Kirsten - posted on 01/29/2013




This is a really tough one. I was raised by a single father and I ended up being a single mom (my oldest is 23 now). There are no simple answers to your questions. I don't know your daughter and I don't know your family dynamic. I can offer my best advice, though, with some confidence since my daughter said I did a pretty good job. :)
First of all, do not discount hormones. Men very often fail to give enough weight to our ever-changing hormones. They're no fun for us and we know they're no fun for you guys. In a teenager, they're nothing short of hell!
I was very realistic when my daughter was growing up. Early on, I accepted that she might tell me she hated me. She would get angry with me. That was part of life. That was part of growing up. It was part of being a teenage girl. It's okay. My job wasn't to be her friend or to be liked. My job was to keep her safe, teach her in the very best way I knew how, and to prepare her for real life. When I was growing up, I never felt like I could talk openly with my dad. So rule #1 when my daughter was growing up: we say anything that needs to be said...as long as it's said respectfully. If she's going to tell me she doesn't like what I'm doing, she tells me to my face that she's unhappy about this-and-that. My part of the deal is that she doesn't get in trouble & I actually listen. I told her that I would always be her best ally and her fiercest protector so she always had to tell me the truth so that I could defend her to the best of my ability. Then I let her be who she is. Let her be quirky & celebrate it. Let her be different from me & tell them her great it is. The next important thing was to let her see that I was human, too. If I made mistakes, I didn't hide it from her. If I wanted her to learn from me, she had to see I was learning, too. I had a lot of parents telling me that I was making a mistake in not hiding life from my daughter. Well, my girl was a whole lot smarter than most kids and didn't do a lot of the stupid stuff the other kids did. What's more, she thought of me as someone who was fun to hang out with! I was honest and open. When I did something wrong, I apologized. When life was hard, I admitted it was hard and that we'd need to work together. It takes a bit of balancing so that they're still getting "kid time" with their friends. And you don't want to let them in on information like how tight the bills can get (appreciate the cost of things, yes...just don't share the water bill).
Try not to take her outbursts personally--they're typically not personal. It's really tough being a young girl. Don't be afraid of her, though. Ask her what she needs. Tell her you really are there for her. Try something. Next time she's angry and yelling, tell her you're going to sit there and let her yell at you. She can just vent out whatever she needs to vent out and you won't try to fix anything. Don't get upset at what she says. Don't offer advice unless she specifically asks for it (then double check that she actually wants it). When she's done, tell her that you're there if she needs to vent again, then ask her if she wants something special for dinner. This might sound completely crazy & I know many would tell you it's bad advice. But I've managed to get one daughter into adulthood and am working on getting another one there; and I'm lucky enough to have both daughters constantly tell me that they think I'm a great mom! :)
I cannot stress this enough: don't take her anger personally. She's a girl. She's getting into her teens. Even if she IS angry with you, it's mostly the hormones talking. The most important thing you can do is stay calm. Let her say what she's got to say. Let her know it's okay to say it. Let her know that being angry is acceptable but communication is going to be the new 'thing' and not saying 'hate.' You must remember to hold up your end of the bargain, though. Be accepting.
Oh...and be ready to talk about her period or it's going to be a very long next few years!

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2013




First off good for you for seeking out advise, your daughter is hitting puberty and unfortunately she is getting to the age where her hormones are changing and so she is going to be happy one day sad the next then mad or some days she will hit the jackpot and it will be all three in the same day. I would go with her to counseling to help improve your relationship also maybe look into getting her a female adult companion someone who she can talk to about girl stuff that is embarassing for her to talk to dad about. You are in for a tough road but it will be all worth it in the end.

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