13 going on 14 continously runs away, sexually active, Help !!!!!

Anna - posted on 11/23/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )




Unfortunately my daughter is 13 & sexually active, I've come to the decision to put her on birth control, which is an implant in the arm for 3yrs, I'm just afraid that to her this is the ok to go wild, I can't get through to her and make her understand to value herself and her body, I've taken her to church and we continue to go, she's so good but yet so bad, I'm tired of CPS blaming me for her choiches, I can't discipline her because it's abuse, If I let it go and accept it, it's neglect for not taking her to a Dr. and getting her checked, what's wrong with this system, I can't just be a parent, she knows she holds all the cards, Call CPS and i'm taken care of for a while.................................advice please


Sherri - posted on 11/23/2010




Okay #1 if you have to sit outside where ever she is trying to escape out of your house from all night if you have too. Do not allow her to leave. Drive her to school walk her in, pick her up immediately after school. Turn into her worst nightmare. You are the parent she is the child end of discussion!!

Laura - posted on 11/23/2010




Sorry Anna, but as the parent of this girl, who is a minor, YOU are legally responsible for her care and safety. Your daughter only "holds all the cards" because you gave them to her! YOU are the parent, the authority figure, yet you have given away your power. If CPS is involved then your parenting skills have come into question because of your daughter's behavior. You had better start changing how you approach parenting or you will lose your daughter to the courts. That's not a threat but reality--I've worked in residential treatment facilities with kids like your daughter, so I have some experience to know what I'm talking about! Your daughter's behavior isn't CPS's fault and there is little wrong with the "system"; it is CPS's job to keep minor children safe. Your daughter's behavior puts her into jeopardy.

First of all, your worry about your daughter "going wild" is too little, too late--she's already there. You have actually made a very good decision, however, to put her on birth control. This is a start to taking control of this situation by being pro-active in preventing even more problems (pregnancy). That is a first step in making better parenting choices!

Next, if you haven't done so already, sign up for parenting classes! Check with your local hospital or with your local mental health facility. Even CPS can provide you with information on classes. You will learn methods and techniques of disciplining children that are very effective WITHOUT being abusive. You will learn why kids behave the way they do and how to encourage kids to make better choices. Taking parenting classes will allow you to show CPS that you are willing to make changes in your own behavior and choices and this is almost always viewed positively.

Finally, seek counceling foryou and your daughter if you haven't already! Her behavior is a cry for help and attention and requires professional care. Your family doctor might be able to give you a referal to a psychiatrist or behavioral specialist that treats adolescents. A trained professional will be able to help your daughter express her feelings appropriately (and this type of acting out is often fueled by a lot of anger!) and will be able to teach her safe coping skills for those emotions. You will be able to learn how to become a more effective parent and together you and your daughter can hopefully build a stronger bond. I know this seems harsh and difficult, but that is the work that it will take to turn things around...and these patterns of behavior CAN be changed for the better. Plus I am always willing to "listen" if you need to vent--you can message me if you need to! Please consider these suggestions and best of luck to you and your daughter!

Amanda - posted on 11/23/2010




To go wild?? Shes 13 and having sex, isnt the idea of shes able to go wild already in her mind? Since when is discipline abuse??? Setting down rules and boundarys is NEVER abuse. Put that girl on birth control, and then watch the show Worlds Strictest Parents for some tips!!

Bobbie - posted on 11/23/2010




This is a cry for attention. You need to go to counseling not church where they preach to her. you need to open a communication line with her as a mother not a friend. I took some parenting classes a year ago and one thing that she said always sticks in my head. " you need to treat you family like an organization with a set of rules and lots of love otherwise it does not run well and will go into bankruptcy". she needs to go into therapy alone and you need to join her and resolve whatever it is that is causing this behavior. there are never any bad kids, only bad behavior that will resolve with the right attention.

JENNIFER - posted on 11/24/2010




Oh Anna, I've been down this road with foster children that I cared for just like my own. What she has yet to understand, primarily due to her age and her never ending belief that she really does know it all, is that her behavior pattern will end her life either physically or metophorically. It's indicative of the age. As her IQ jumps 10 points, yours loses 20. I wish I knew you and could be of a far greater assistance to you. I'll help with as much as I can here but honestly, if you really want someone to dig through this with and with someone who knows the system , please feel free to email me.

The sexually active side generally stems from one or more places. The big one is whether or not her father is involved in her life and if that involvement is healthy. I know all of the cliches, trust me, but with 3 girls of my own plus the 2 very damage girls I brought into my home, I promise you, it plays such a huge role in why they do what they do. At this age, they're simply trying to fill a void within themselves that they absolutely cannot even begin to comprehend and once they've open the door they go one of 2 ways. 1) I do it because it feels good and I like it or 2) they don't know how to close the gates they've opened. In both cases they have huge moments of regret and shame which opens up issues within themselves that again they don't possess the maturity to deal with. If the sexual activity is going to stop, you have to wear your absolute best poker face and not become emotional in front of her and start digging for the honest to God reason behind the why's. You can use all of your experience to ask questions that get her to think, but you cannot cram what you want her to do down her throat. She will continue to rebel and run. To her, you're just the woman who has to prove how much you love her (all in her eyes) by giving her what she wants. She just doesn't have the skills or maturity to see that giving her what she wants isn't love. No matter how the conversations end, tell her from your heart that you love her and as unfortunate as it may feel to her, that love is unconditional. It doesn't matter how many rules she breaks, how she tears at your heart, you will always be there. Remind her that not all topics are comfortable for you to talk about, but your door is open and she can talk to you about anything. I don't care if you have to do it every day for the next 4 years, do it. It sinks in and they don't forget it.

On days she'll actively participate in these conversation, let her run the conversation. Ask questions that will tell you where she's at and force her to be honest with herself about her behavior. The biggy for my foster daughter was. We know how great you are with children. We both know how desperately you want one.You are every parents dream come true when it comes to having a nanny. So what do you want to name your son or daughter? What are your plans to complete school? Will you be able to work? Ok so, I know this boy would do everything in his power to give you the world (lying through my teeth, yes I was) but have you 2 thought about what your combined income would be or how you would schedule things. Will the baby be in daycare? Can you two afford that?.......Get my drift here? You come across super supportive and you're suddenly kinda the cool mom, but you are using your powers of manipulation for good and letting her come to the rational side of life on her own and she thinks that she's thinking it all out, not you.

With one of the more difficult girls that I had, I kind of lovingly force a conversation on her every night. Some nights she was willing to participate and others she wasn't, but she has been out of my home now for 3 yrs and she still reminds me of things that I said that she feels saved her life. I made an effort to point out the things she was good at, praised her for them, expressed how she did one thing or another and how she amazed me. Then I'd ask things like...have you thought about how you might be able to take that skill and use it in a career? Have you thought about college? You can only be emotional when she opens her heart to you otherwise it's not heard and you're the fraud. I pushed positive in a manner where she was forced to see her strengths as such in her eyes not through mine. It gives them an ego boost which helps to build their self-worth. Take your alone time in the shower to grieve the loss of childhood that your baby is throwing out the window, It's heart wrenching and I know your pain. I swear I do.

Putting her on birth control is a must. You're right on there. I'm not sure where you live, but I suggest some very tough love. Either locate a support group for people with STD's and ask their administrator if they have a program for helping kids see the dangers they face with their current behavior or what I did was listed the first 6 STD's I could think of with HIV/Aids being last and had my daughter use the internet. She had to answer the same questions for each. How do you contract it? What is it? How is it medically treated? Is it curable? Can you pass it on to someone else? and What are the symptoms? Before she could give me her mini report to those she had to either speak with a police officer or the county prosecutor and have the following question answered, If a person knowingly has an STD and they have unprotected sex and the partner contracts it, is that a punishable crime and if so what is the maximum punishment? It's a tough love reality check, but it's a good learning stepping stone.

As far as CPS goes, I have very few nice things to say beyond the premise for the organization is wonderful. It's a shame that they can't solve the truly dire cases and subsequently they relieve their own guilt by sticking it to the parents who really do have their child's best interest at heart. I have many suggestions here, but lets start with the universal realities. No matter what state you live in....The only people who can physically remove your child from your home are the police!!!!!!!! A CPS officer has to do the investigation and then show evidence to the PD to prove you abusive and or negligent. Get them on your team! Work with the police. When she's running work with the same officers over and over. That way you know them, they know you and your daughter. They will become your greatest asset. If she runs and you have to call dispatch, you can then request those officers. Make sure dispatch knows that those officers already know her and her behavior patterns. Ask the police in your area about a scared straight program or something of a similar nature. If you do not have one in your county, call your closest juvenile detention center and ask to speak with someone with the authority to answer some question you have about the facility. Often times they have an area where either a specific counseling group or police intervention group can take troubled kids into the detention center for a sneak peek at the home they are working towards. They generally spend a couple hours there. Let's them see just how much freedom they really have. Bars tend to be a whole lot scarier then cuffs. I had a great officer that took the tv remote from my foster boy and said hey man what are you watching? After the boy answered the officer said, your not watching it now. It's my tv and walked out with the remote, shut off the tv just after elaborately slamming the cell door shut. It's the harsh reality to where they are headed if they don't get off the paths they are currently choosing to walk.

Once you've exhausted all resources with the police then you go back to CPS and you play nice with the idiocy. Like it or not they are the stir stick in this crappy pot. Lay it out there...this is what I'm doing, this is what I've done, these are all of the people that I've been working with, and now that I've exhausted all of my reachable resources, I need your help. (If you and your daughter are not already in counseling...get there! That is the absolute best way to muzzle that barking dog.) Child Protective Services has a ton of programs at their disposal to help families but in the grand scheme of things they caseworkers forget that their job is to help families! Even if it makes you want to vomit, put on your I'm a lowly person hat and tell whomever you are working with at the CPS office that you need them to give you more ideas, because the problems still are not solved. I could go on and on with thoughts and ideas here. I've gone through this with more than one child. A bit different circumstances, but it all goes in the same direction. My hopes and prayers are with you and if you want to talk to me, you can..Jennifer


View replies by

Justin - posted on 05/17/2013




What I was thinking is. To have your daughter go through a thing called "A Scare Tactics." What that is. Is to put her in a juvenile detection center for a full day. And have her talk to and sit down and have them young ladies whom were sexually active as a teenager about them young ladies having a baby and how it messed up there lives. Not being with friends and how being a teenage mother ruined there life. And second. Have her go to a delivery room and see secondhand a teenager delivering a baby. That is my idea. Maybe it will make her think twice. By the way. My name is Justin.

Louise - posted on 10/07/2012




i agree i am sexually active and i am 15 and i get sexually active round my friends as i have boys as friends xxx so yeah i have been on the pilll for a week and you know what it works so yeaah good on you.. xx

Anna - posted on 11/29/2010




I know i'm not the best mother, I seem to always be to busy working,cleaning, cooking, caring for one child or the other, yes i express my fustrations which is wrong, i tried the discipline her & it didn't work just caused fights which were no good, took her to the clinic had the std talk and that's when cps was called becuz of her age, dealt w/that, i spanked her like a child with the belt and she went to her school where cps was called, i've only been charged w/child abuse on one of these incidents becuz I used the belt, ( an object) the whole cps way of thinking was a seed planted by her father, the day I left him he reported me to cps to get back at me and has told them since to always call if i spank them or do anything to them, this has been a cycle for the past 3 years, let's just say he taught them well..it just gets old and tiresome, I'm learning to not be so busy and give them some of my time, I now allow the house to stay dirty for a while and i've enrolled the younger boys in basketball, she see's my struggles and it upsets her, she see's my strength and thinks nothing bothers me,(like I don't care or something) It's been god's grace and will that i've been able to provide, but unfortunately it's taken a tole on my children the lack of not having is an issue for them, I I've been honest with her about my youth because my ex made sure he shared his version of things, but i've also explained to her that what i dealt with in this life she does not have to deal with she has her parents who do care and love her, though her father stays away as much as possible, she grew up in a loving home till we began the divorce process it was like a switch was flipped, hatred, abuse, you name it,it was there, we have good talks at times but then she'll shut herself out or just tell me what i want to hear...I don't know if anything traumatic happened to her, i've asked & just silence or a no..she misses playing sports, she misses it all, her anger is towards me becuz she blames me all her father has said to her really sunk in deep....

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2010




Sit her down and talk to her. You are allowed to make rules. Grounding is not abuse. Nailing her windows shut is. Just explain to her that you are only tring to help. She is going through a lot right now. I was a wild teen and I wish I hadn't been. She may have to learn the hard way. CPS can only do something when it is visible or the child is in danger because of something you are doing. You are safe and stop showing fear. They smell fear and will use it against you every chance they get. Just take a deep breath and remember you gave her life you can take it away. Ground her till she is 18 if you have to. Take away her phone, computer, and life. She will turn around when she figures out you are not going to give up, Be strong. I hope things get better

Terry R. - posted on 11/24/2010




Ist of all you need to pray and give her to the Lord. I know this sounds simply, but it will work. God Never Fails. Also don't spare the rod is in the bible. So bet her but. and set rules and boundaries for her. If she doesn't want to follow the rules, then send her to booth camp( not really, just threaten her with that and she will act better). But really give her to God and pray over her when she is sleep. Also you need to get this book called "The Power of a Praying Mother".

Christi - posted on 11/24/2010




I would scare the hell out of her. Take her to a clinic and let her see what STD's really look like, then take her to a hospital and let her witness and birth. And maybe consider being alot stricter. No cell phones, friends, TV, and put in an alarm system that goes off if a window or door is opened and don't give her the code. Counceling is not an option, it wil be part of the condition of her being able to have freedom. Drive her to school, walk her to class and if she skips, call the police and have them scare the hell out of her. Truancy is illegal and she can go to juvy. Also, if you can find out the boys she is having sex with, talk to their parents and clue them in.

[deleted account]

wellll, I am just going to jump on in here. First, i apologize if I come off sounding anything but compassionate to you. I'm a psychologist, specifically for issues of child/adolescent development in relation to trauma. Your daughter is in a cycle of traumatizing and re-traumatizing herself and you are having to sit and watch her feeling helpless and as if your only options are to provide defense mechanisms for her and you. You need to externalize your daughter's issues from her as a person (which you are kind of doing by saying she is good but you need to NEVER say or even think that your daughter is bad). There are no bad kids but there are unhealthy kids and CLEARLY your daughter is caught in an unhealthy world with an unhealthy view of herself and her value as a person. Who has called CPS on you? I work closely with them in our state and they get so tied up with cases where parents are trying to help their kids (like yours) and don't get involved enough in the ones where kids are really suffering. It is so frustrating sometimes. I know you want your daughter to change and to be healthy but you can't do it to her or for her, only with her. If you want her to go to therapy... you need to go with her.... make it mother-daughter therapy. You need to find someone who specializes in issues of child sexuality and trauma because she is basically abusing/retraumatizing herself with this type of sexual activity even if she thinks she likes it. Something is going on really deep in her soul and her heart even if she doesn't realize it and she is hurting herself to either avoid talking about it, thinking about it, or remembering it. Did something traumatizing happen to her as a child? What is her father like? Does she see him? What type of role model are you in the home? I am NOT trying to judge you or criticize you, just wondering what she is seeing, hearing, experiencing in her family and from the people that love her. We can't protect our kids from everything and honestly the possibility of disease and abuse and pain scares me more in your daughter's situation than pregnancy though that would certainly be an unfortunate consequence. I am a person of faith and deep spirituality but don't go to church because I have found that there are far more problems running rampant because of kids that go to church and receive misleading teaching about life issues and especially sexuality. Your daughter sounds like she is trying to be older and more independent than her age and it sounds like you want to try to help her before "it's too late" so to speak - before something terrible happens. But, something terrible is already happening so you need to just dig in there and get dirty - you need to figure out what it is that your daughter needs, what she wants, what she is seeking (is it love, emotional connection, adrenaline, rebellion, safety, pain, etc....) and deal with the source of that. In this type of situation, you do have to be the parent but you also need to be a friend to her, a safe person that doesn't just tell her what she is doing is wrong or bad. She clearly needs you and this is going to be tough for you but you love her so you can do this!

Anna - posted on 11/24/2010




I would like to thank you all for your advice, I read each post and I took something from each of you, you're so right in the fact that i'm not here to be her friend and I know this is a time when I won't be liked very much, but giving in and giving up is not an option, her father & I are divorced and you're right when you say she is wanting the attention of her father whom really wants nothing to do w/her unless it's under his conditions and his timing, and that's not very often, the fact that he has moved in w/another woman and is caring for her children is hurtful to her & my other kids, Counseling I gave her the option to go because I was told not to force her, but you guys are right i'm in control and this is a must..i can't thank you enough because just to be able to talk to someone and not feel like it's my failure, it's all my doing and we're the only ones going through this helps. you've given me alot of information, I'm kinda of embarrassed to admit that I was at the point of just accepting it all, I kept having people tell me that I was going to drive her further away and to allow this boy to come over once a month, supervised would be the answer, I just can't see any good in that......you women r great and you brought tears to my eyes...thanks

Nikki - posted on 11/24/2010




I agree with Sherri, you step in and take control at whatever cost. You become a hard arse, follow her every move, take away tv, laptops, phones and teach her there are consequences to her behaviour. If you give up and let her go it will only get worse, she needs a mother not a friend. Be consistent and you make the rules that she is forced to stick to.

Rosie - posted on 11/23/2010




Honey I sorry for you, but I have two girls my oldest 15yrs old and my baby 12yrs old. Thank God that my girls are not sexuall active or even thinking about it. Yes I do fight with my 15 cuz she wants a boyfriend but hell no, We sit her down and give her advice and tell her real stories of WHAT IF. She is to young and has her whole life ahead of her. She wasn't to go to college to become an CSI, she sings and wants to her our cd out someday, and she also designs clothes, so we tell her boys are just boys they want you for one thing and one thing only, My niece is going to become a mom and she is only 16, the baby daddy not even in the picture, so we use that. Thank God so far my girls have listened to what we have had to say. Now CPS thats baloney if you ask me cuz they also have kids and are girl so they cant tell me that they put up with it, I was told by a Sheriff that as long as you spank them on ther butts it's OKay he said cuz he said that CPS cant do nothing about it, So you do what you have to, to teach her a lesson. Good Luck

Bonnie - posted on 11/23/2010




Anna, I am sorry you are going through this, but your daughter SHOULD NOT be holding all the cards at the age of 13. At the age of 13 she is still a child and she is still living under your roof which means you are responsible for her. There are ways you can discipline your daughter that do not involve being violent and abusive, such as taking away things she loves and grounding her. I feel for you and I hope you get things sorted out soon. Stay strong.

Pip - posted on 11/23/2010




What ever you do dont sit around cause things could just get worse. My girlfriend's daughter started out like that at around 12 she is now 15 a total mess, on ice and in and out of juvenile lock up. The thing she did wrong as a Mum was to sit back and hope things would get better. Act now and don't give up.

Erica - posted on 11/23/2010




I hear all of these moms saying that she shoulldnt go wild but not offering any solutions.....I would get her into counseling ASAP!!!!!!! She has something going on in her life this is why she is acting out. I do agree with the other moms that you are in control of her and need to take the bull by the horns and get better control of her.

Ashley - posted on 11/23/2010




Anna, I know what u r going through. I was a wild teen like ur daughter. Does she have a father figure in her life? I did all of it to find love in the wrong places, since I wasn't getting any attention from my dad. But that is just way I did it. Have u tried to talk to her about her actions?

[deleted account]

Real discipline is not abuse and not something that would have you 'fearing' CPS. If CPS is really involved... there is a problem and it's not just your daughter.

Getting her on birth control is not 'giving her permission to go wild' cuz she's already doing that and not caring.

I don't have any experience w/ teenagers, so I really don't have any advice. I hope you can find a way to get a hold of this situation quickly!

Angie - posted on 11/23/2010




This must be so painful for you. How in the heck did CPS find out about this? I'm guessing something drastic caught their attention. Birth control for 13 year olds is not that uncommon - unfortunately. She is already running wild. Get control of this child. The issue should not be that CPS is bothering you but that your daughter is going to some very inappropriate places to find love and attention.

Stifler's - posted on 11/23/2010




I agree, you don't have to be her friend. You're her mum who cares if she hates you for a bit, better than getting pregnant having a kid at 14 and you having to support the whole ordeal or getting in serious trouble with the law.

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