13 y/o hanging out with a bad role model?

Sophia - posted on 11/07/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 13 and she has always been really sweet, caring, and would never say anything rude to anyone. Recently, shes been hanging around with a girl that is turning 19 in December and what I consider is not a good role model and friend for her. This older girl constantly may use foul language, and I've noticed that she may mention several words that are very racist and disrespectful. She doesn't seem to be against a particular race but she refers to some people with those words which I don't approve of. Also, she graduated high school last June - my child has told me that she held back a year due to a really late birthday. My daughter has started listening to music that is not appropriate for her age, behaving a little differently - not something I'd definitely not approve of, but I've noticed some odd changes like her choice of reading materials which I've noticed that they may be too high of a level for her. She came in my room once and asked me if she can start wearing clothes that are crop tops, short shirts, revealing clothing, whatever, etc. that you'd find in an adult.

I'm beginning to worry that she is already influenced by someone much older and I don't know how to tell her. I encourage her to hang out with kids closer to her own age but she seems to not listen at all. She doesn't get along with the other girls in her grade. We live in Ontario so elementary and middle school is combined K-8 and she is well known for talking inappropriately especially around younger children!!! Anyway she met this girl at a performance when my daughter went to the highschool with her schoolmates and don't know how to change this behavior and become herself again. Any ideas?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2015

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I'm still not understanding how or why this relationship was allowed to develop and continue for long enough that your child is now using inappropriate language, etc...because, honestly, the FIRST time that you learned of this association, it should have been addressed then.

Yes, you have a TEEN...Good grief...we ALL have had, do have, or will have teens on our hands...but stop trying to write off her behaviour as semi-excusable because she's a "teen". My kid is a teen. He's 18. I'm dealing with some extremely difficult situations with him, due to his age, and his school standing (won't graduate HS until he's almost 19, due to school district age restrictions), but we're handling things as they occur, and he's under a living contract with us to be an 'adult' child living in our home. However, if the kid came home with a 13 YO in tow??? I'd ask him who's paying him to babysit, and if the answer is "this is one of my friends", my response would be "no, this is a minor child whom you have no business hanging out with. He needs to be with his peers", and I'd send the 13 YO packing. (nicely, mind you...because he probably would be thinking my son is 'cool', and such...so I'd just explain that he needs to hang with his own age)

As far as " programs where they were held at different schools that are willing to lend the property," it is up to those program administrators to assure that individuals not involved in the program are not allowed on site at that time. Perhaps, the 19 yo has an official job or other activity that she is involved in in the same building. Furthermore, you don't know what her education is, or what programs SHE is involved in, so this statement:"Another, nobody 18 and over belongs in a elementary/middle school unless they have a particular reason to be there." is only partially accurate. When I was 18, I volunteered in MANY elementary schools and programs. She may be doing the same, but was allowed to foster this 'relationship', which is obviously inappropriate.

I will say, however, that I know PLENTY of 19 YO kids who participate in Big Brothers/Big sisters, where they are a role model to a younger child, so you cannot discount the age. However, THOSE programs have adult interaction, and the "big" has expectations of them that must be fulfilled. Again, it doesn't sound as if this is the case with this 19 YO...but as I stated initially, it was YOUR parental responsibility to put a stop to it before it got to th is point.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/07/2015

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Only one thing to say here: WHO IS THE PARENT???
Why are you, the PARENT in the situation even allowing this friendship? SIX YEARS is a huge gap at the age of 13, and there's absolutely no reason on God's green earth that this child should not be hanging out with her peers...You know...the kids HER age...the ones that she attends school with, etc.
Since you've allowed the friendship to continue with out (apparently) any restraint, you're going to have to be the bad guy now and put a stop to it.

Next time your 13 YO wants to hang with the adults, remind her that she's got a few years before she's mature enough to do so, and enforce that. "She seems not to listen at all"...LOL...Duh, she's a friggin TEEN! They ALL "seem" not to listen, but when given the parental authority order have no alternative.

Quit trying to be her friend, and be her parent. Set limits and enforce them

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Sophia - posted on 11/07/2015

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She is no longer allowed to spend any time with this adult or anyone who is not a good influence on her.
I think the main issue RIGHT NOW is that I have a child who does not understand what is appropriate and what is not but I have told her that her "friend" is an adult and she has more freedom, well, because she is legally an adult and has graduated high school recently and on the other hand she is a late middle school aged who will be in high school soon and that ages 13 and 18 have different maturity levels and they each have things that are not appropriate due to the differences - a 13 YO revealing herself in "sexy" outfits? NO! I have said this to her when she asked me if she can start dressing differently. Another, nobody 18 and over belongs in a elementary/middle school unless they have a particular reason to be there.

Dove - posted on 11/07/2015

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So she is no longer spending time w/ this adult? Or are you still allowing their interaction?

Sophia - posted on 11/07/2015

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The school has informed me that she has been having trouble with girls in her grade because they tell her not to hang around with this older young adult either. The teacher tried getting my daughter to make friends, but since my child goes to programs where they were held at different schools that are willing to lend the property, she has suggested that pulling her out of the program is a good idea, and also try getting her to make some friends outside of school and get her involved in age-appropriate activities because there are PLENTY of ways that we can get her to make new friends and quit socializing with this girl.
She's a teen. She went from being smart, nice, and kind to the "new her" which is the unacceptable, arrogant, rude, stubborn teen. I took her phone away, Internet access, no going anywhere, etc until she understands appropriate behavior for her age, which she should be focusing on school, peers, family, interests that are APPROPRIATE, and being a child. She has a healthy relationship with our family, and also we can get her to make friends from outside of school that are her age and grade like the teachers suggested by involving her in activities.

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