Min - posted on 01/24/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )
My 13 year old daughter is currently in 8th grade. She been dating for a few months with another 13 yr old 8th grader in the same school. I would never want my daughter to start dating this early but I know if i say no, she will hide it behind my back.
She started dating in October and didn't tell me. She once asked if she could go to a friend's house to sleep over during spring break, and that when i questioned her who and why? I wouldn't had let her anyway even if it was a girl, and off course i told her no, since it was a boy. We had a friendly talk and i asked her more questions about the boy. She told me she has a crush on him. She kinda of said they were dating. During those days I was more concerned about her and paid extra attention on her. My daughter been going to an after school program ever since she was in 1st grade. She is not allow to go anywhere else but there after she gets off from school. She had a half day from school 1 day in November and asked me if she can go hang out with her girl friends and have lunch with them for 2 hours before going to after school program. I told her okay, that same night while she was sleeping, I tumble through her face book account on my cell phone, which she forgotten to log off. I checked her inbox for messages, and find out that she was planning to go to the boy's house (the boy that she wants to go to sleepover) after school instead of going to meet up with her girl friends. So she lied to me because she knows i probably would say no. I didn't confront her, cause i didn't want her to know i was going through her face book account. Instead I took the day off from work, and told her in the morning while i was driving her to school that i would pick her up right after school. I also told her that I would like to meet the boy that she was kinda dating so i can get to know him better. She was kinda upset and kept saying no, but i told her i meet her after school as I was dropping her off. I meet her boyfriend, had a talk with them, and told them they cannot be alone without supervision. And also told my girl that she needs to keep up w/ her grades in school, or she would not allow to date no more. I even meet the boy's parents and had a talk with his mom as well, and she seen very nice and understands why i was so concerned.
My daughter was asking if she can spend Friday's at the library with her friends and boyfriend instead of going to the after school program. I gave her approval only if she finishes all her HW from school, and art and tutoring HW from Saturday class by Thursday night. I told her she is not allow to go anywhere but the library without my permission. One Friday I took the day off, I went to the library after school to check on her. I saw my daughter walked passed the library with her boyfriend and bunch of friends. I waited for like 15 min to see if they walk back to the library, but they didn't and instead I got a text from my daughter that I'm at the library now. I called the boy's mom right away. His mom is a housewife so she does not work, I asked if they were there, and she said yes. I told her mom not to mention that I spoke with her, I wanted to know if she would confront to me later on. That day I was suppose to pick her up at 5:00 at the library. So I went back to library at 5, my daughter was there waiting for me. I asked her so you were in the library all day? She goes yes, So I told her I spoke with his mom, and she told me you were at his house. Her eyes turned red, I asked her why she lied? She didn't think I would let her go. I asked her if this is the first time she lied to me, did you sneak to his house other times that I didn't know about. I told her don't lie to me now, if you tell me the truth I would not be mad at you, I just want to know what is going on and want the truth. She told me she didn't, this was the first time. And then I asked her did you go to his room? (I mention to both of them that they are never allowed in the bedroom or anywhere alone) She told me she did, I asked her so what happen, she was scared to tell me, but I told her it's okay just tell me everything I just want to know the truth. She said they make out but didn't have sex. She is still a virgin. He touched her on her private areas and kissed her there. I spoke to my daughter in the past many times that what was acceptable and what was not. I asked her did he force her to, and she said no. She said she was kinda curious on how it would feel. I didn't want to punish her since she told me some truth, even though she lie about going to his house. I gave her a very long lecture trying to be as calm as possible and even show her pictures of all kind of STD. I did mention to her about STD in the pass, but I never actually show her pictures of them because I thought they were too gross. I told her I want to see your boyfriend the next day I need to talk to him. He did come out to talk with him, and I gave him a very long lecture, and told them that what they were doing was illegal. I told him that I need to tell your mom what happen cause this was very serious. I do not want this to happen again. She is never allow to go to your house. I spoke to his mom, and his mom was very sorry. She said her son said his little brother 5 yr old was being very noisy and they can't do there HW, and asked if they can go in the bedroom, the door was closed, and she was next door watching TV didn't suspect her 13 yr old would do such thing. She said she will be more careful next time and she was happy that I told her what happen. I didn't punish her and ask her can i trust you again, she promise she will tell not lie to me, and not do the things I told her that it's wrong for her age.
Today, Friday again she lied and went to the boy's house. This time I grounded her, no internet and texting for whole week. Can't go to the library for the whole month. Go straight to after school program for the whole month. The boy is not allowed in my house even under my supervision for at least a month. (Sometimes I would drive him over when she asked on Sundays and they would hang out in the living room with me there) I asked her if she lied to me about anything else to me in the pass, confess now your punishment will be the same, otherwise your punishment will be lengthen if I found out by someone else. She said she once told me she was going to the library but instead she was going to Rite Aid, and this other time she went to Subway and didn't tell me. I asked her did you go to his room today? She said no I was in the living room eating and doing homework the whole time, we didn't do anything. I asked her if she is telling the truth, I said if i found out my talking to his mom, or bringing you to the doctor I will transfer you to another school and have grandma pick you up from school everyday. She said they didn't do anything, and didn't lie to me about anything else.
I think I'm such a bad parent. Am I being too easy to her? Any suggestion on what I can do? I'm so afraid if I say no to everything she be more rebel.