13 year old daughter is provocative

Viqui - posted on 11/28/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I notice she takes sexie selfies and posts them. She has all these "friends" she hardly knows, not real friends from school. She gets bullied and the kids at school call her a freak. Her dad and I talk to her to stop the posts. Should we take the phone away? She begs us not to. She acts like it is her lifeline. What should we do??

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Ev - posted on 11/28/2014

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1) She does not need a phone until she is old enough to earn money to pay for it herself actually.
2) Its not a life line. For her it seems that way because she can keep up with everyone on the social media, her contact list and online.
3) She needs to understand that those "sexy selfies" can get her into trouble in the future if they land on a web site because it can keep her from getting into a college she wants or getting a job she wants. Frankly, the sexy clothing pics will end up becoming naked pics over time and she is too young to be getting into that. Its also called child porn and is illegal. She could get into trouble for it even now if it gets that far. She needs to learn that dressing sexy is something that is for adults and not kids.
4) If she has any clothing: short shorts, tight jeans, low necklines that show breasts, and other things that you would find on an adult, take it away and get her plain clothing like jeans that fit, button down shirts, t-shirts, long skirts and so on. Shes not need those clothes either.
5) Having to ask us if you should take the phone is a red flag making me wonder how many other issues you have just looked over to make her happy?

Rebecca - posted on 11/28/2014

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Tell your daughter that sexy selfies can get a 14-year-old in trouble, just like kids 13, 12, 10, 9 and all the way up to 18 and older. My 12-year-old daughter doesn't have any cellphones because I don't allow her to have one.
Are her "friends" people from other schools? Like, do they know each other in person? Or are they complete strangers who she's never met and may live anywhere somehow? As for bullying, my daughter gets bullied to in the seventh grade. Talk to her teachers and the principal if it's necessary.
Take the phone away for a week or something...like for a short penalty. When her punishment expires, have a LONG TALK about internet safety before giving it back. Only allow her to friend people who she knows, or knew. It's okay for her to add friends from other schools/towns/states as long as she KNOWS them. Not a bunch of total strangers.
Don't allow her to dress inappropriately, also. Bras are okay, because many 13 year olds have developed enough to need bras but SHE MAY ABSOLUTELY NOT POST BRAS ON ANY WEBSITE. It's private, and I would allow her to wear a bra and my daughter wears them too, but she would never show it to anyone but me!
She's a teenager, many teens are doing inappropriate things. Teach her that online conversations are not private...

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Sarah - posted on 11/30/2014

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Without question take her phone away. I wonder why this is even an issue? Have you contacted the school about the bullying? Most schools have zero tolerance for any type of bullying.

Dove - posted on 11/28/2014

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I have to agree with the others. She certainly has no need for a phone w/ internet access and should not be having any social media accounts since she has proven she's not mature enough for them.

Be careful just taking away the phone though as most of her friends probably ALSO have iPhones or similar and she 'could' just use theirs and continue on w/ her actions. Make sure you explain to her exactly WHY you are taking away the phone and telling her to disable her accounts... and definitely step up the monitoring of her other activities. If she is being bullied and called a freak you may want to speak to the school guidance counselor about the best way to work w/ her on these issues vs. 'just' taking away the phone.

Good luck!

Jodi - posted on 11/28/2014

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All the more reason why a phone with 24/7 internet access is a bad idea :)

Viqui - posted on 11/28/2014

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Thank you ladies for your honesty in your replies. She is my only child and it has been difficult in certain areas as she also has ADHD and can be impulsive.

Jodi - posted on 11/28/2014

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Personally, after what I've witnessed as a high school teacher, I would never allow my child to have a phone other than one that simply makes calls, and with very limited credit, until they are old enough and responsible enough to have a job to pay for it themselves. My son didn't get one until he was 15, and my daughter will probably be the same. Adolescents in their early teens do not have the social skills needed to be able to cope with such 24/7 social media and it is the source of social problems and bullying. No child NEEDS a phone that can give them this level of access. Your daughter is already demonstrating irresponsible use of her phone. I wouldn't let her have it.

Michelle - posted on 11/28/2014

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That shouldn't even be a question, of course take it away. She's 13, she doesn't need her phone. My 13yo doesn't have a phone, we may get him one for Christmas but he hasn't proven to us that he's trustworthy enough.
A phone is a privilege, not a right and they have to act responsibly to earn one.

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