13 year old sister has a boyfriend.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/21/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My sister will be 13 this Thursday. She is a very bright and witty young woman. She has big dreams and ambitions and I don't want her to screw up her life right now, I want her to hold on to her dreams. I got a little lost along the way in my path growing up and although having my daughter, meeting my fiancee and continuing in school have brought me a brighter future, I have taken the long slow way there and I could have been there faster if I had not let certain things control my life at a young age.

She is very tall and slightly over weight, her level of confidence in how she looks very low, but a boy in her class started talking to her a lot and it really boosted her self-esteem. Now she says they are "dating" whatever that means at 12-13 years old. I can't stand the thought of her letting such as this ruin her life. What should my mom and I do for her? I started getting interested in boys at her age too and it all did to me was cause me to focus on my looks too much and have an eating disorder. I ended up getting raped at 16 years old before I even had a chance to think about ever having sex, but boys thought because I went out with them I must be willing to do that too, and I wasn't nor did I ever make it seem that way. I don't want my sister to fall into this same pattern.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/23/2013

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And, not all girls like hanging with girls. Girls are mean, sneaky and back stabbing. I had more guy friends then girl friends. Don't judge her for that. Having one true girlfriend is all she really needs. You really need to step back and stop interfering with everything she does. You and your mom sound like you are trying to dictate her life. That is just gonna push her away and cause her to rebel. i know I would.

♥ Patricia - posted on 05/26/2013

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It seems you your self had a tough life, and being protective of your sister is a good thing but being overprotective is bad.i started dating at her age too, and I ended up marrying my boyfriend and having a kid with him, we met when we where 12! But I do understand after you yourself havering some trouble with the make gender, you may be alittle nervous with you sis haveing a boyfriend. Don't annoy her about it, but do talk to her about the way her boyfriend, and any man should treat a women. Now I'm not saying snoop, but keep an eye on her if she stars acting up, feeling depressed, feeling self conscious, these are all symptoms of boy problems. Your sister seems like a bright girl, just make sure she knows how to take care of her self around boys. Hope I helped! ♥ Patricia Lang

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2013

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To add to some of the advice already on here, research has suggested that helicopter parenting is not good. As a control freak, I totally understand concerns.

Sex Education is a fabulous tool that will help her make better decisions. In addition to the things mentioned, I usually point out in my sex ed conversations how persistent boys are, and how they think. They are thinking with their smaller head and will say ANYTHING to win you over. Never be alone with a boy unless you intend to go all the way. Never just "kiss and neck and make-out" unless you intend to go all the way. With boys anymore, it's all or nothing. There is no halfway spot.

Rape Prevention Education is a great addition to the sex ed. Don't leave your drink unattended at parties. Don't get too drunk. Don't get in a car with strangers. Don't even get in a car with people you know unless you totally trust them. Don't be so giving with trust. If she's going to a school infested with Gangsta's, then focus on the street smarts aspects. You ain't a G unless you got street smarts.

My father used to watch me like a hawk. I didn't know until after he passed away when I was in college, but he bugged phones. He hired private investigators. He had lots of friends in the community reporting to him everything I was doing. He had police friends patrol our street more frequently on nights he was out of town. But he didn't try to control me with it. He just wanted to watch and learn and find out the things i wasn't telling him so he could be prepared to catch me if I fall so to speak. The important thing was he was willing to let me make my mistakes. Some of us are determined to learn the hard way, and if that's the only way we are going to learn, you have to let us learn that way or we will never learn. It's better she make mistakes while you and your mom are around to catch her when she falls because some day, you guys might not be around for that, much like my father isn't around to catch me right now.

Self esteem comes from confidence, and the best way to help give someone confidence is to A, trust them. If you can't trust her to make her own decisions, she will always have a low self esteem. Wouldn't you? If everyone treated me like I'm stupid, I'm going to think I'm stupid. B, accomplishments. Really cheer her on to accomplish things. Support her and give the pep talk when she's ready to quit.

It's okay if she has more dude friends than female friends. If she is interested in more guy things, then she is really going to hate life if she has to pretend to be interested in celebrity gossip and high heels when she just wants to blow up things on a video game.

And think back to when you were her age. What would make you change some of your decisions? If someone tried to force you into a different decision, don't you think that would have pushed you into doing something even more stupid?

Honestly, forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect. We all have pasts we are not proud of. I do. I wouldn't change it if given the opportunity just because that past brought me to the place I am now with the children I have now. To undo some of my past, good or bad, might undo my children. Until you come to peace with your past self, you are going to have a hard time seeing your sister for who she is.

And to add, it is very noble awesome epic that you care about your sister this much. I hope she realizes that.
BTW, I'm the older sister, and there was a time my little sister wanted to be a stripper. I have no problem with the stripping profession. I have friends who are strippers and worked hard for their money, but it was not something I wanted my sister to be doing. So, I went to all the strip joints in an hour's drive and explained to them that if they hired my sister, my friend who is the County Commissioner will be keeping a close eye on them and the age of all their customers. She never got hired. She still to this day has no idea why nobody would hire her. So when I say I feel you, I feel you. But my sister is barely over 30, and my mom is raising her oldest kid because she doesn't want to anymore. His autism is just too much for her. She has absolutely zero sense of responsibility, accountability, and she feels entitled to everything. It's because I hovered too close all those years. She is a spoiled brat. She needs to grow up yet, and the only way she is going to do that is to make her own mistakes and live with those consequences. In the name of backing off from someone who might make the mistakes you did but probably won't because that someone is not you, I'm going to back off now :)

Much love and many blessings to you and yours.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/22/2013

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I don't agree with a 13 year old having a boyfriend , especially a self conscious 13 year old. She needs to learn to feel confident on her own and not bc a boy is paying her a little attention. In my opinion, basing your self worth on whether boys are interested in you or not is only going to create a huge problem down the line. This child needs to feel good about herself on her own before dating. I would never stop my child from having a friend that is the opposite sex , but in her mind they are dating and believe me 13 year olds are not mentally mature enough to handle the heart breaks and consequences dating entails

18 Comments

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Cecilia - posted on 05/26/2013

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I did not read all of it but I read enough to say that you and your mom are worrying way too much.

You said it does a good thing for her self-esteem then turn around and say that she's too young, too fat, too tall, too much of a tom-boy, they are the wrong race.No wonder she has self-esteem issues!

As far as her going to a crappy school and telling you about the bad kids- she obviously knows the difference between a bad kid and not. He isn't some sort of thug she was telling you about before. There must be something nice in him that she sees.

As her sister, be a sister- not a mom. Ask her what is going on and how she feels. Have a big sister talk. She is more likely to have a true emotional talk with you instead of your mom in most cases. Maybe all she wants is to hold someone's hand and a little bit of kissing. Let her know it's great to say no to things if she isn't comfortable with them.

Telling her she can't see or talk to him can go wrong. You're only teaching her to be a sneaky teen. If your mother had set down rules ahead of time that no dating until such and such age that would have been fine but she didn't. She let you date at this age thus your sister should be allowed to also.

My son started to date a girl when he was 12. He's 16 and they are still together. Honestly I think they make an adorable couple. That doesn't mean they don't have their problems and break up and get back together.I do not feel their dating has ruined their lives. The age group is simply learning how to deal with relationships.(male or female) The guidance the adults in their lives gives them changes things drastically.

Go ahead and have rules. It's fine. Forbidding just doesn't work. A good rule would be that time together out side of school must be done with an adult present. They can go to the movies and such but a few rows back someone is there. They can come over to the house but never behind closed doors.

Jessy - posted on 05/26/2013

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Dating at 13 is much too early and i know as a parent or sister this will automatically disturb. It is said its easy to let go something in your hands than in your heart. This is a very delicate issue and you need to take time and talk to her politely. Tell her the pros and cons and if possible give her time to digest on her own then you address the issue in a way that will no make her rebel. I know its hard but you need to calm down and the most important thing is to have a good relationship with her. Good luck and please do take it easy because decisions taken in anger are alys fatal.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/25/2013

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I was thinking about this post, and I decided I didn't like my answer. I shouldn't generalize all 13 year old girls and say they shouldnt be allowed to date. Each child is different and has a different maturity level and only their parent knows them well enough to determine if they are mature enough. The parent needs to take into consideration the actual readiness of their child and not make rules based on the fact that they are not ready for their child to date. I still agree with not letting this particular child to date yet based on the fact that she is very insecure and immature ( if her sisters assessment of her is correct). I still think a child with deep insecurities needs to learn self worth before dating. A girl who never felt " good enough" and then all of a sudden feels confident bc of a boys attention could easily start to correlate their feelings of self worth and being " good enough" is based on whether they receive attention from boys. This could cause them to seek attention from men when they don't feel so confident

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/25/2013

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Cathrine, i really REALLY hope you are kidding about putting cameras in your daughters room. That is a totally invasion of privacy, especially for a young lady. Giving her boundaries is one thing, spying on her and dictating her every move is totally something different. I hope you realize this is just going to encourage her to rebel. Maybe not now, but when she moves out of the home, and then severing all ties with you...or never letting you know anything about her life cause she will not be able to trust you.

Cathrine - posted on 05/25/2013

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you should not let her date she is way to young I mean yeah sure she can hang out with boy my daughters 11 but she is allowed to hang out with boys but not date I am even allowing her to have a phone and have parties with boys and girls but do not let her date tell her NO spells no you cannot date until you are 16 and you got to keep watching her because I have another daughter and when she was 13 it was her age to sneak out of the house and so I put cameras in her room but DO NOT LET HER DATE N-O SPELLS NO

Angela - posted on 05/23/2013

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I think a few others have touched on this but girls can be treacherous. Lots of girls have image problems through OTHER GIRLS rather than through boys!

On the other hand, boys at this age are far less mature than girls. Arm her with information and education - I don't just mean sex education, I mean personal and social education. Discuss hypothetical dilemmas with her, get an angle on her sense of judgement. Try not to restrict her too much, let her grow up.

You can't live her life for her! Let her be her own person!

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2013

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Oh, and tell your sister, from an OG, when it comes to weight at her age, I can tell a 90 pound teenager that she's fat, and she would believe me because she has already been told that a million times by other people. Girls are mean at that age, and they get you with psychological games. It has nothing to do with what you look like. Don't fall for it... I have been every size from size 14 kids to size 18 womens since I started having kids, and that's not while I'm pregnant. I am still me through it all. It doesn't matter the skin I'm in. The woman underneath that skin shines through it regardless. What helped me learn to love all my skins I wore as it changed dramatically, and it's crazy but it's good advice, and I advise all you women to do this... It's so good, I'm making it its own paragraph...

Dance nekkid in front of the mirror after you shower.

I prefer MC Hammer's Can't Touch This myself. Anyway, it's the easiest way to learn to love your flabby places, and find your pretty places. Yes it's silly and stupid, but once you watch your fat jiggle on a regular basis to where you are used to it, you are used to it.

And now everyone shut up for a minute because it's poetry time. Read this poem. If you are a woman, you must read this poem. If you have already, read it again. This is like the Bible of Beauty right here...

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou

And I totally suggest Erykah Badu's Cleva.

[deleted account]

dating at 13 isnt uncommon and not always a bad thing.. talking openly with her about your mistakes and that you are there if she needs to talk is better then pre judging the situation... and bad schools tend to have better kids vs private schools ( i went to private and public and private schools are trouble makers who get away with it) it could just be harmless dating where they hold hands... i had a bf in 6th grade for a year ( shocks me still lol) and we used to go with our parents every saturday to the roller dome.. always supervised but allowed to " date" aka hold hands.. but now a days she sees sex everywhere what a girl should look like vs what she looks like.. it is going to be hard for her... and i always had guy friends never girls... i got back stabbed and bullied in 8th grade by a bunch of my childhood girl friends... dont judge her on that.. girls are terrible creatures!!! stay strong... and talk to her if you judge and come on too strong she will never see you as a person she can confide in

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/23/2013

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And no. 13 is not to young for a boyfriend. The more you and your mom try to keep her from boys, the more she will seek it out and start sneaking around. Be her sister, not her mother. Be her friend and confidant. Sisters are suppose to be that. She doesn't need another mother.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/23/2013

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"My biggest concern is that my sister goes to a really crappy, gangster infested school and I don't think she should be communicating there unless their entire family has had a thorough back ground check. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously she has told me some really bad things about the kids at her school."

Well, this is where she goes to school. Unless your mom takes her out of there and switches school, this is going to be her primary place for friendships. Regardless of race, religion and sexual orientation. Also, "bad" kids go to posh schools to. Just because it is how you described does not mean dick. If your mom is so concerned with who she is associating with, she needs to pull her out. BUT, if she is teaching her right from wrong, and giving her the tools to deal with difficult situations, your sister so have no problem steering through high school.

You are you. Your sister is her own person. Certainly she is going to make mistakes. We all do as teenagers. But arming her with sex education will do a world of wonder. Teach her you CAN get pregnant the first time. That oral sex is still sex and you can still get std. Teach her about her body, std's, and what guys will say to try to have sex. Give her self esteem. Tell her how beautiful she is. If you want to help her get in shape for more self confidence, go for it. But make sure she knows she does not need to. And remember, what you avoid telling her about sex, she will learn from her peers. Give her the ammunition of the truth. It is powerful.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/23/2013

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I also failed to mention that she is in 7th grade and she just turned 13 today, it's her birthday. She is a little immature as far as taking care of herself goes. She is very tom boyish in that she only cares about video games and other weird things boys like. She has very few girl friends and that concerns me. I'm taking her out for a girl's only dinner tonight.

My mom has decided she isn't going to let her meet this kid anywhere which is a good idea, I think. They're just too young. I want her to be happy and be social, but I'd rather her make friends with a nice group of girls and start experiencing going out with girl friends before having romantic relationships. I don't want her to get caught up in kissing and all that mess before she knows how to build a true friendship and have a girl friend to hang out with, confide in and go through all this stuff with. She doesn't need to embed all her trust into a boy because once he decides that little Susie from math is cuter than her that will be it and she will be crushed.

Ev - posted on 05/22/2013

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I am glad that you liked my response to a degree. But with the environment of the school, I can understand what you are saying and worried about. I still have a teen at home myself and there are worries where he is concerned at times at school. But his school is not big and its population is rural mostly. So some of those kids do not get the chance to just run around and get into trouble; become part of a gang or other activities like that. Do what you think best. But in a good set of circumstances, I would hope my advice would be good.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/22/2013

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Thank you Evelyn. Your words are very helpful. I understand everything you're saying to a degree. My fears are mostly built on my mom's fears and everything she was telling me on the phone, there are some other concerns that I'd rather not really speak openly about in fear of sounding racist, because that's my mom's problem not mine.

Our parents are divorced and dad is remarried. Oddly I work in the same company as my dad but rarely speak to him, so I don't know if he even knows what is going on or what his concerns would be if he did know.

My biggest concern is that my sister goes to a really crappy, gangster infested school and I don't think she should be communicating there unless their entire family has had a thorough back ground check. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously she has told me some really bad things about the kids at her school.

Ev - posted on 05/21/2013

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First, you must understand that your younger sister is not you. Just because you did things the way you did does not mean that she will follow suit.

Second, you never mentioned dad. Is he in the picture and what does he have to say about this?

Third, you also mentioned that she is a bit over weight and self-conscious over her look and I will be it is mostly due to her weight. At this age, girls start to not that there are two kinds of girls in the teen years...skinny and big. There is so much stigma on looks and weight that gives the girls esteem a lot of trouble. There is alos peer pressure to have that skinny body.

Fourth, at this age it is scary when you hear about that 12 or 13 year old who had a baby. That is not all cases but girls are becoming more active in sex at a younger age all the time. And this does not sound like the case here. To me it sounds like that this boy may actually like her and by his talking to her it is building up her self-esteem too. And dating for this age is not real dating. They switch out BF's and GF's a lot at this age. Its not a problem to let her have one special friend who is a boy. Even if they never get beyond being friends, having a boy for a friend is good for her. If he is special to her and listens and is honest with her, she has a window into how guys think. And with this he can tell her what a guy would think about topics she would not ask otherwise. It does not have to get to the real stage of dating. One special friend who is a guy is not going to hurt her.

Fifth, just sit down and start talking about dating and what it means. Tell her your story in stages and tell her what she can handle. Keep talking about sex and the ins and outs of doing so when young. Talk about having a boyfriend and how those relationships work. Guide her.

I really do not think it would hurt her to have a boyfriend at her age as long as most time is at school, on phone, or in supervised activities. His showing interest in her at this stage being over weight and worried about her looks is doing something for her that she might not get from other boys. It seems to show he does not care about her looks and weight but what she really is inside.

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