13 years ago

Christina - posted on 06/24/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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On January 4, 2001 my life changed. I gave birth to a beautiful boy, Benjamin, 8lbs 14oz. A chunk. His presence lit up a room. I didn't only become a mother that day, I became a woman. I'm not talking so much about the birth part, more so the actual caring for another human being more than you care about yourself part. Knowing that you are the reason that this person was brought into this world and the only person capable of knowing how to care for this person. Loving someone so much changes you. My maternal skills are excellent and I fell into motherhood nicely, and loved it.

On July 18, 2001 my life changed, again. My life, my love, my spirit - Benjamin was gone. He passed away in his sleep, with no explanation as to why. Why? I could never imagine a world where he didn't exist. He was born, he lived and he died. Over the years I have questioned, why? WHY? WHY? There is no answer, no reason that will make me feel better. I can only assume - so I can live. It sounds selfish hearing it out loud, but after having an experience like the one I've had, seeing a precious life both come into the world and out, my subsequent life is guided with a different light. I have compassion and patience, I am calm, my time is precious and I don't want anyone to feel as bad as I have, ever; so I am kind.

Benjamin didn't meet many people in his 6 1/2 months here on earth, but he touched many people. He has changed me and made every day worth living to the fullest. It has taken me quite sometime to be able to admit to these things, the guilt ate away at me for years; the guilt of "moving on" - knowing that moving on is not forgetting, it's incorporating Benjamin into my daily life. Keeping him close to my heart and letting his spirit guide me through my life. I wish I had allowed him to guide me a bit sooner.

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Janet - posted on 06/24/2014

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Wow, I hug you from another mother of an angel. Thank you for writing about Benjamin. Mine was only 4 months old when he went to be with the Lord (03/21/06). He was my first too. I share your pain, your guilt and your lost.

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