13 yr old hates mom

Ornella - posted on 07/16/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Why does he hate me so much? Blames me for everything. I've tried but it's not working. Now, what?

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Jodi - posted on 07/17/2016

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This is a relatively recent occurrence. I agree with your family - give him time to cool off.

"he makes me feel like well let's just say doesn't treat me very good even though I've given my son everything. "

You shouldn't need to give him everything. Children don't treat you a certain way because you give them things. They treat you a certain way because you respect them as individuals. Personally, I don't understand why you give a child a phone and then cut if off when they go to the other parent because you are the one paying for it. Does dad give him a phone when he is there or something?

ALso, with your comment "I don't think it's fair". Guess what? Nothing is fair. You don't co-parent based on what is "fair" for you. You coparent based on what is "fair" for the child, and that isn't necessarily the same thing. His father not engaging with you in managing the coparent is not fair, but you have to make do without it.

I know it's hard. But every single time you make a decision about your child, you need to think of HIM not YOU and your feelings. Give him some space, and then when he is calm, ask him what his issue is, and LISTEN. Really listen. Let him know you are on the same team and you want to help him with whatever is upsetting him.

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Dove - posted on 07/17/2016

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I too am not understanding why you would shut off his phone simply because he took it on vacation w/ him... I love when my girls are not home and they have their phone on them... especially when they are w/ their father, so I can keep in contact w/ them on occasion.

Ornella - posted on 07/17/2016

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I did turn it off because the phone was turned off and suspend no the father did not ask me to I am the one that pays the bill on that phone it was not supposed to be taken with him because it stays at my house. I did send him a simple text hello how is your vacation wanted to know you had a good time so I asked him he text me stop texting me go away and leave me alone so I did I tried again in another week to say hello and that was it. His father will not engage speaking to our son together in person he does everything by the phone talk back and forth on the phone never wants to meet all three of us together to work things out. I don't think that's fair. Anyways and give you my son some time to regroup he stays with his dad all week even though it's my days that he supposed to be here with me. My family says just to leave them and let him cool off and. I'm very confused I love my son I don't want to manipulate it even more by his grandmother and Father which I think is already happened it just hurts he makes me feel like well let's just say doesn't treat me very good even though I've given my son everything. Any thoughts on that I have more if you wish to help period getting feedback from someone I don't know be a good thing. Thank you

Jodi - posted on 07/16/2016

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Why did you turn it off and suspend it on vacation? Did his dad ask you to? You also don't need to be texting him while he is on vacation with his dad. Maybe a quick text asking if he's having a good time, but that would be all.

And why would you threaten to call the police if he wants to go to his father's house? Or even if he argues with you. Just stop arguing! Isn't calling the police a bit extreme? It is certainly going to escalate the situation. Just let him go and give both of you time to cool down a bit? You don't seem to be giving him much space.

Essentially, you are talking about one incident. Do you get along with his dad for the two of you to be able to work together to figure out what the problem is? And for the two of you to be able to work together to manage the behaviour choices?

Ornella - posted on 07/16/2016

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He's blaming me for ruining his vacation with his dad because I turned off his phone and suspended it because he took it with him on vacation. Then I try to contact him a week into his vacation saying hello and how was your vacation and if he was having a good time just a simple question. He turns around and says stop texting me and go away! Today he came back from vacation was pissed off at me for some reason which I explained above, comes into his room New Leaf all the clothes on the floor stomping around in his room and when I asked was something wrong he said to get out of his room and shut me out. For the next hour and a half I left them alone Kama said nothing but I asked him what was wrong. He attempted to walk overs father's house I said instead of fighting and arguing as once before I said I'm going to call the police. Turn back I asked him what was going on he said he hates me does not want to live with me anymore and I called his father to come over and pick him up. There's more in between that but that's all there is for that

Jodi - posted on 07/16/2016

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I'm a little confused. What do you mean "I've tried". You've tried to what? It is pretty normal for a 13 year old to deflect blame - not okay to do and he has to learn to accept responsibility for his choices, but normal. What exactly is he blaming you for. I'm also sure he doesn't hate you - he's just pissed at you because he's not getting his own way. Again, normal - not okay but normal.

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