14 year old boy, HELP!

Wendy - posted on 03/18/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My son is showing signs of disrespect and lying on a regular basis when its not even necessary. My husband and I feel we have tried everything in the book as far as punishment. From soap in his mouth to the wooden spoon. Nothing works. He shows no signs of caring about himself or anyone unless less the mood strikes him. Short of military school, please help with any advice you experienced moms can give!

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Rosie - posted on 03/20/2014

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Show some kindness. maybe, no punishment, and maybe listen, and respect of what he has to say

Kay - posted on 03/20/2014

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You should ask your son whats going on in school . My daughter went through that stage about a year ago . She lied about every little thing for no reason . I tried everything I could to stop it, but she continued . At one point I got so fed up I just sat down and asked her what was going on at school and why was she lying so much . She simply told me " I started to tell lies about being super rich and having older boyfriends and everyone started to like me more . I guess lying has become addictive" . We had a long talk about self esteem, lying, trust,etc. After that ,the lying decreased a bit and I rewarded her every time I knew she didn't lie . Now she's so honest its almost scary. Your son might just have become addicted to lying and its a habit for him . All habits can be broken though . Just dont be so rough on him and give him time . When kids feel like they have nothing to lose they wont behave . Give him his space and when he does lie let him know you know hes lying and punish him , just not to severely. Perhaps a grounding or make him do some yard work . Whatever you do , dont break your ground

Arlene - posted on 03/19/2014

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How are things at home? I hate to pry in your personal life but kids sometimes rebel when there are problems, fighting, divorce, separation or other key factors going on in the home. He is lashing out for attention, the question is why?
Suggestions: Take away something he loves for longer periods of times. An hour or 2 is not long enough try a week or 2 or a month depending on the severity of his actions. Punishment needs to be long term to be effective in scaring him, otherwise he'll just wait it out.
Secondly, kids always lie about homework and dishes being done. My son lies about having homework and he's only 6. If punishing him doesn't work try a reward system (not food). Set a goal and if he meets it reward him with going to the movies or doing something fun with his friends.
Good Luck

Wendy - posted on 03/18/2014

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He lies about homework being done from little things, like saying he did the dishes when obviously they weren't done.

Wendy - posted on 03/18/2014

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Using homework is a way we were trying to keep his time occupied and hopefully benefit learning something because he doesn't seem to be learning any lessons we try to teach him otherwise. Any other suggestions to have the punishment fit the crime?

Wendy - posted on 03/18/2014

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We have tried ALL of these things. Although its hard to back off on these everyday things, we have. He still just doesn't seem to want to care. We are at our wits end, hoping its just a phase. We are not giving up and reassure our love for him.

Jodi - posted on 03/18/2014

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Oh, I'm not taking it as abuse, I'm just saying that in some places it actually is legally classified as abuse. Where I live, using an implement IS abuse. People have been charged for it. Let's face it, your kid is 14. If he was 4 years older, you'd be charged with assault no matter where you live.

Having said that, you still haven't given a lot of detail on what you have tried. Have you considered having him do his own chores (eg, why should you wash his clothes or cook his meals for him when he is treating you like this? Why should you take him anywhere - you are not his slave/maid. - these are logical consequences of him treating you like crap. We don't DO these things for someone who chooses not to appreciate them).

I will say that giving him schoolwork as punishment is a bit of a concern - how do you think he will make the connection with the schoolwork? If he is doing poorly in a subject, make the additional schoolwork about trying to improve the grades in that particular subject at school but DO NOT link it to punishment for other things he is doing because that's just going to backfire on you in so many ways. Schoolwork should not be used as punishment for unconnected behaviours.

Wendy - posted on 03/18/2014

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Dont take it as abuse please. It worked for us as children. We have tried taking his video games away, his computer, and even tried giving him schoolwork in subjects he his not doing well in. When I say we've tried everything, it really feels like we have.

Jodi - posted on 03/18/2014

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Wow, both those punishments you have mentioned are physical (and in some places considered abuse). What else have you tried?

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