14 year old daugter friendly with boy of nearly 18

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Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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You don't know that. Some 14 year olds make the choice to have sex.....AND it is more likely to happen with a significantly older boyfriend. I don't know how old your Bethany is, but I'm assuming she isn't a teenager as yet.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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How can you possibly know your 14 year old would not have sex (is she actually 14?) unless you were supervising her 100% of the time in her approved relationship (and 14 is too young to be dating anyway). I'm sorry, but there is such a big age difference between a 14 and an 18 year old that it isn't even a viable option. It would be entirely different if you presented it as an 18 year old and 22 year old, but 14 and 18 are like different planets and usually on totally different pages.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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Are you serious, Laura? A 14 year old dating an 18 year old? Ask yourself what most 18 year olds would want with a 14 year old......

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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I am a younger mother but I don't see a problem with your daughter being friendly or even dating an 18 year old. Maybe I'm crazy. I dated a Senior when I was a Freshman and our age difference was about 4 years apart. Definitely follow your gut, though. If you don't want her dating him, let her know the ground rules. You're her mother and you're the boss! Make sure Dad is supportive of you also!

Dove - posted on 04/20/2015

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Friendly in what way? My daughter is 13 and sometimes spends time w/ a 17 or 18 year old neighbor boy... only around the neighborhood and never alone and I don't have a problem w/ that... but if she expressed an interest in going OUT w/ him or being alone w/ him... that would be a hell no kiddo.

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Jacqui - posted on 04/22/2015

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Thank u Laura R for your comment. I have spoken to her dad about it and thankfully we are both on the same page. A friend dship is one thing but a relationship is another... I guess the biggest fear is that it could develop into one so its how to handle it delicately without giving her ammunition to rebel!

Jacqui - posted on 04/22/2015

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Thank you for all comments made (though for some reason I can't view all of them.
I obviously would not agree to my daughter dating an 18 year old irrespective of how decent and nice he is, she not emotionally ready and would just get hurt.
However I know she relates to him and they share common interests which is why I believes he enjoys her company. She has had a very tough year so far with and has had dofficially keeping in with her peers at school to the point of where I arranged counselling for her. Since she has been spending time with this boy she has certainly become more upbeat so all in all I guess I was trying to balance the whole situation.

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2015

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The one trouble with 18 yo boys, is they have 18 yo friends. If she ends up in a group of all older teens the pressure to act older and engage in dangerous behavior may be huge. Best to keep her with her peers a few more years.
Laura, I have never met newlywed foster parents before. Where do you live that they don't require a two year marriage first? Not doubting you, just curious.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

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Oh my. Not a good combo, not at all. My boys were not allowed to have that huge an age difference with any of their friends, be they male or female. Too many differences in those ages.
Very easy for 18 YO to pressure 14 YO into sex, and the other way around. I've known some pretty promiscuous 13-15 YO girls, and I know that I definitely was VERY curious at those ages, so, hindsight being what it is...I'd say definitely not a good idea in an unsupervised situation...

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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All children are different. OP has to figure that out and it sounds as though she is going to discourage a romantic relationship between her daughter and the young man.

Dove - posted on 04/21/2015

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Fostering those kids for 2 years was great... but you absolutely can not guarantee a teenager you fostered for 2 years will not have sex as a teenager. That's a pretty bold assumption. My daughter is 13 and I've had her from birth being raised w/ these beliefs and even 'I' can't guarantee she won't have sex. I can only guarantee how she is and what she believes in at the moment... I don't see that changing, but if she were allowed a lot of one on one access w/ a boy unsupervised... Yeah, that would still be my failing her and I'm not naive enough to not realize that throwing a teenager into temptation is stupid.

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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I think you would be an awesome foster mother! We received the kids in December 2012 (we had been married less than a month so we probably should have waited!) They were just the best kids! Troy graduated May 2014. Akiela is in the 8th grade now, Martavius is in the 6th. It takes a special heart to foster and I don't think I could do it again. I live in Kansas so they are very cautious about letting someone foster. There is a lot of paperwork and back ground checks but there are so many awful foster homes out there, you can't help but give back!

My father was a foster child so that greatly influenced our decision. He had some really wonderful parents and some really awful ones. Bless you for being a teacher and working with these children to become better people! You probably have a better view of the trouble a 14 year old girl can get into with an older boy.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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Friendly is one thing. Dating another entirely. I would never be okay with a 14 year old dating, period. Dating an 18 year old? Nope, no way. And this is coming from someone who has raised children to adulthood.

So they allowed you to foster before you were married? Or this is a relatively recent thing, the fostering?

I've thought about fostering, but because I am a teacher, it could possibly become a little awkward, given the local high school is the in area school of choice.....believe me, there have been a couple of kids I teach who have been left without homes and "couch surfing" I'd love to take under my wing and give a good, loving, positive home environment.

Raye - posted on 04/21/2015

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I first had sex at 13 with a 17 year old boy. It does happen, whether parents want to believe it could or not. NOT a good idea to make the child think this is okay.

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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Yes. We fostered two boys (one is now graduated and has joined the army, his name is Troy) and one girl (Akiela), all siblings. Their mom had a little hiccup with the law but now she has the two younger ones back. She is doing great! I might just be too permissive but when my daughter is 14, I don't think I will mind her being friendly or dating an 18 year old. My view could change, though.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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"I do know my daughter will not be having sex at 14 (no, she isn't 14 yet)"

According to your profile, you don't even have a daughter yet.....so I am intrigued as to how you can comment on a post as if you were the parent of one.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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Yes, you can teach your children those things, but like Dove said, why allow temptation to be put in their way? The difference between a 14 and and 18 year old is almost 1/4 of a lifetime......that's huge in the world of development. As I said earlier, 14 year old shouldn't be dating anyway, no matter the values they were raised with.

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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I get why the OP is upset and if she believes her daughter shouldn't be seeing this young man, that is her right as a parent. I do know my daughter will not be having sex at 14 (no, she isn't 14 yet) because we have taught her what her value is to God and how precious her purity is. I appreciate the comments of Dove, also. I wasn't raised in a religious household but I just saw these young ladies giving themselves to young men who didn't love them, and it devastated these girls! So long as a young lady is loved by the men in her life who matter, she won't be looking for love elsewhere. You can teach your children and trust what you have taught them.

Dove - posted on 04/21/2015

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I know my girls won't have sex at 14... but that doesn't mean I'm going to keep them around the temptation... because even a kid w/ the best intentions CAN cave under pressure, curiosity, or hormones.... One on one dating is not appropriate at 14... period.

There are kids as young as 12 who are dating and having sex and even though my girls think those kids are idiots and my girls have been raised w/ a certain moral standard that they also believe w/ all their hearts... it is MY job as a mother to set the rules to HELP them continue on that path and if I just let them go and date at a young age... I would be a hypocrite and would be failing as their mother.

Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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I honestly don't see the big deal. I wasn't sexually active at 14, either so it depends. I don't think I would mind if my Bethany was 14 and dating an 18 year old. It's not like she's going to be having sex with him.

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