14 yr old girl who is awsome in every thing, but could care less about peoples feelings

Carly - posted on 03/07/2012 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I have an amazing 14 yr old girl, she gets straight As, plays 7 instuments, and is a all around good girl in the public eye. When we are at home it is a completely different story, she always has to have the last word, antaganizes her younger siblings always, never takes any responcibility for HER actions, blames everyone for how she talks to us and treats us. To make matters worse, she dosen't help around the house, wash her own clothes or does anything except read, or watch t.v. occasionally. I own two businesses, am a single mother of 4 and I can not even ask her to watch her younger siblings because they do not trust her, because all she does is antaganize them, for instance chases them around with a dirty plunger untill they cry and won't leave them alone, so the little ones refuse to stay with her out of fear. I need her help sometimes I don't know what to do to get her to understand that I can not do everything and need her help, I feel like she has no compassion for me and everything I am doing daily to maintain our home life, run two businesses daily, to then come home and have a mound of chores that no one really wants to do but it has to be done.....please someone give me some advice

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Amanda - posted on 03/07/2012

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How about we all stop trying to look for "medical" reasons that our kids are assholes sometimes??



Your daughter doesnt have ADHD, she has something called BEING A TEENAGER. Its time to put your foot down, and froce your daughter to take personal responsiblity and help around the house. Its simple, no tv, no books, no spending money, no friends, no internet, no phones, until she can be a responsible part of the family.



Best advice I ever got for my teenager is, dont look for fights with them, even avoid them as much as possible, but if you must have a debate with them, make sure you win. By winning I put a end to the fight and politely inform my daugther what her grounding is, how long it will be, and what she did wrong, Ie talked back, harassed her sibling, so on. I keep the what she did wrong short and sweet, so she cant try to aruge that too.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/08/2012

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Well, Jen, you are correct. However, it's a "time honored" tradition...LOL...The oldest always is expected to mind the younger ones, even in 2 parent households. And, I don't think it's too much to expect of a 14 YO to help with the house, including minding the younger sibs.



She may not have asked to have 3 younger siblings, but when her mother works hard to put food on the table, a roof over their heads, and keep them together as a family, in a loving environment, then the least she can do is quit being a selfish teenager and see the bigger picture.



My kids have both their dad and I, still married, and, sorry, but the older one is expected to mind his younger brother, get him to school, and if I need him to, run him to appointments or practices. In return, he gets to go out with his friends, and use our vehicle, etc.



It's part of being in a family, with a working parent (or parents). You all help out, to make the family dynamic smoother.

Jodi - posted on 03/07/2012

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Actually, I think she sounds pretty typical. Certainly not acceptable behaviour, but definitely typical. I do have a couple of questions....if she isn't helping with the washing, who is keeping her clothes clean? And if she isn't helping with dinner, who is cooking hers? Does she get to go out and spend time with friends? I'd say the first thing you have to do is stop enabling her.....the first time she sits down to dinner, and suddenly there isn't a plate for her, or the first time she has no clean clothes, she might just change her mind about doing a deal with you to help out a bit more around the house.

Kathy - posted on 03/09/2012

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At fifteen I put my daughter up to the wall and realized I had had enough. She too was an overachiever. Did well in everything she tried. All of her teachers and instructors loved her. But at home was a different story. We checked ourselves into counseling and learned a lot about ourselves. She needed release from feeling she always had to be perfect, she found the release at home. She could "relax", unfortunately relaxing meant taking out her frustrations on me.

See a good family counselor. Her behavior at home is not acceptable. Give her a place to express her feelings.



Right now my daughter is 23 and a graduate student. We could not be better friends. But when she was 15...I did not like her very much.



Praying for you!

Heather - posted on 03/08/2012

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Have you maybe thought about her behaviour is just another way to get YOUR attention? U mentioned how u are a single parent and having to run two businesses and deal with the very demanding little ones that all she really wants is some mommy time? Kids are the strangest things I suggest u spend some 1 on 1 "date" time to show your appreciation to her and I'm sure she'll come around! She is going through a very hormonal change now and I'm sure all she is really reaching out for is a cuddle and some mommy time! But instead is being loaded with adult responsibilities, she is still a child.... Just remember that. Best of luck remember "us girls like attention... Unfortunately even if its negative". Heather

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Pamela - posted on 03/13/2012

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Why have you allowed this child so much influence in your home WITHOUT discipline? Was it because you consider her SO SPECIAL?



My sons are are SPECIAL TOO......in fact each of us is. Perhaps by giving her a sense of importance above and beyond others you have created this problem yourself.



If she won't clean her clothes who does? YOU? Only you can UN-CREATE what you have CREATED. I wouldn't have stood for it even for one week, much less as long as you seem to have done so.



DO NOT DO HER LAUNDRY....start there. Tell her her clothes will remain dirty until she learns to do her own laundry. Then increase her responsibilities, including looking after the other children.



No doubt some counseling by a third party may be necessary here as you have allowed her to go undisciplined for so long. Check with the family services agencies in your area. As a single mom I am certain there are services you can take advantage of that will help to correct this situation.



I certainly hope that you are disciplining the other children so you won't have a repeat of the behavior from the oldest!



The highest and best to you.

Jessica - posted on 03/10/2012

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Does she have aspergers syndrome? They lack empathy and don't know when enough is enough and some of them are highly intelligent and can do many things well?

Margaret - posted on 03/10/2012

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I want you to know I thought lot about this but here is my input.

Take a day off work, make sure the kids are out of the house and go to your daughters room, clean it if it is necessary and remove any computers, TV's, games etc that she likes. Lock them away in some kind of storage locker where she can't find them. Be sure to throw away some of her stuff that you think she can live with out. Take her dirty clothes pile them in the middle of her floor and inform her that if she want's clean clothes to wear she can wash, iron. fold and put them away. Also inform her that any allowance she receives is cancelled (except for things like lunch money if necessary and then dole it out as needed). Then tell her when she decides to become a part of the family she will receive treatment she wants.



I would also take he to a doctor to make sure she is OK. There may be an underlying cause.

Emily - posted on 03/10/2012

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She Sounds like a teen to me.. if its new behavior, perhaps she has noticed and feels uncomfortable with you as a sexual being .. or something going on with her peers of that nature? Adolescence is tough on.many and she may just need. You there for her. If she can't watch the sibs perhaps taking her to work on a regular schedule with you may help give her confidece.

Myra - posted on 03/10/2012

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Home and family are supposed to be a team effort, from the time they are old enough to learn. Picking up toys, throwing the trash in the can, teaching them right from wrong, is all a part of growing up to be responsible adults. One day these children will be on their own, if they are able, and we as parents have to try our best to enable them better than we were, because the world is always changing. We all have bad days, but it doesn't have to be the norm. Give them responsibilities, Make hard choices for them, even if they don't understand. They will love you more for it when they are older. Expect more from them and praise them for achievements, but don't let them turn out to be lazy. They will make terrible companions and employees if you do. Too much giving in will not make them strong, it will make them weak. Tough Love parents!! They may be your only caregiver one day....

Jacqui - posted on 03/10/2012

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It sounds like ur daughter is trying to seek attention. She may have ODD (oppositional defiancey disorder). Unfortunate for u this is usually the parents fault. I know because I have 2 children with ODD n didn't realize how I played a part in it cause I too am a single Mom... N feel I'm a good one at that. However, this has nothing to do with ur intentions of being a good mom. Ur daughter is not getting the structure she needs. Each day is just another day to seek attention. Some things u can do is post a sum-sat calendar on the fridge which clearly states what is expected from each child (not just ur 14 yr old). They don't get to do what they want to do until they do what is expected from them. They need a short term goal n a long term goal. For instance a short term goal would be to stay up a little later n a long term goal might be...get a gold coin each day they do it n when they get 7 coins they can trade it in for a dollar or get out of chore free that day. Those r just examples. u as the parent need to make sure u stick with it n don't be bendy. Follow it without exceptions n they will learn what is expected of them. Don't forget to balance it out with lots of praise. I hope this is helpful to u. Good luck with ur situation.

Brandie - posted on 03/09/2012

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Haha! Yes thank you for actually saying it. I say it all the time and people think I'm totally wrong, mean, nuts, horrid, worst mother alive. I have 10 kids (his2, mine 3, ours 5) and let me tell you something that you already know kids can be real assholes!! It's our jobs as parents to let them know when they are and that it is absolutely in no way shape or form acceptable. Just nice to know somebody else out there can say it like it is! Kudos!

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she may have aspergers they always seem selfish but dont understand the needs of others or how important it is to help

Alexandra - posted on 03/09/2012

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i am reading a very good book: "If I have to tell you one more time". Maybe if you adapt the ideas in the book it will help?

Tessa - posted on 03/09/2012

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That sounds pretty normal for teens. I am a mother of 6. Their ages are 19, 17, 15, 13, 3 and 1. As soon as they start having responsibilities of their own, they feel as though they know EVERYTHING. ADD is probably not the case. It doesn't sound like she has trouble focusing if she reads and does very well in school. I think maybe she is doing so well that it has gotten to her head. The thing I have always done with my kids is sat them down for family meetings. All of the kids need to be there to tell her how she makes them feel and you need to be there to mediate arguments. Make sure that you are validating the kids where they are correct. Try to show them how to speak to each other kindly. "I feel ____ when you _____ because______. I would like ______" that was the way we put all of our feelings sentences so it didn't sound accusational. Once all of the feelings are out, you can begin to work on a solution with them. AND if she continues to have bad behavior, she needs to be disciplined! I am not talking spanking and crap, but she is certainly old enough to be grounded from extra curriculars/television or books. I wish you luck. It all sounds good on paper but it is another thing to get it all to work out right. I agree with Kathy also, maybe she does need some sort of activity she can do that makes her happy that she doesnt have to feel pressured to be perfect in.

Carol - posted on 03/09/2012

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Maybe she needs to drop some of her music lessons or find something to let her get some stress out without it being inflicted on the family. I've seen kids before that are amazing in the public eye but are so exhausted with school and studying that they just can't keep it up at home..thats the one place they just want peace and they think they can get away with things. She needs to help in the family unit and its terrible for you all if she is scareing her siblings..take something away from her..take her to a fitness class..something to burn off some stress and I hope she can be more helpful for you.

Heather - posted on 03/09/2012

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Sounds to me like you are trying to put too much on her. She shouldn't have to watch her younger siblings at all, she's only 14. She also sounds to me like a normal 14 year old. Maybe try getting her some counseling, someone to talk to about why she's treating her siblings this way.

Linda - posted on 03/09/2012

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I'll not comment on causes of her behavior, though that could well be connected to a cure.



However I've always been a fan of "natural" consequences: She refuses to help with laundry, her clothes don't get washed; she refuses to help with housework, you don't have time to take her to activities; etc. I don't have a teen quite yet, but it has worked thus far with my strong-willed child. When she was younger & got time out a lot, not only did she serve the time-out, she had to "repay" (help with addn'l chore) the time it took me to stop what I was doing & discipline her. @4 & 5 yrs, it was actually a challenge at times to find things for her to actually help with.

Bailey - posted on 03/09/2012

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The cold fact is, your daughter is a manipulator. I have seen it and done it myself. Overachievers need a challenge and if they are left to their own devices they will create destruction. Find a way to challenge her mind more.....

Sherrie - posted on 03/09/2012

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It sounds like she may be the victim of her "awesome"-ness...It seems that Mom has praised her for her accomplishments, but forgot to teach her that she isn't superior to the rest of the world. Add the fact that she is a teen, and you have the perfect storm. I am the mother of 3 very different, capable, wonderful kids. My son taught himself to read when he was 22 months old (newspapers, encyclopedias, etc...) and was tested by the school in kindergarten to be off the charts for IQ. The best number they could come up with, due to the test being intended for children twice his age, was an IQ of 182. While this presented many challenges to us as well as his teachers throughout his education, I instilled in him that just because he learned faster than some of the other children, it did not make him BETTER than anyone. I am proud to say that he was always the first person to help another student if they were being bullied, needed help with school work, or just seemed lonely (calls of thanks from many classmates parents alerted me to his kindness). He also played 6 different instruments (self-taught) including the tuba in a National Award winning marching band, and virtually every imaginable sport. He graduated from HS in the top 5% of his class, and went on to be President of his fraternity and Vice President of Student Government in college. He is now a 28 year old father of 2, and an engineer with DeLoitte. His sisters are also quite accomplished, and have continued the pattern of kindness and responsibility to their peers.

CANDY - posted on 03/09/2012

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She's probably crying out for attention that could've the reason she's doing the things that she those. just have a talk to her and see what's the problem and everything will start working out. Good Luck

Byra - posted on 03/09/2012

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ok, way too many post to read them all, but this is what I do with my oldest. I don't do her laundry. Most normal girls will get frustrated with the lack of clean clothes at some point. As for helping out, I may seem mean, but she is part of that family and no it's not her fault your single, but life isn't fair. She should help just because it is the right thing to do. Set limits and stick to it. I know it sounds crazy, but I have reader too, so sometimes I have to take away the books. example- no reading until you put away your clothes. Just because a child has very positive attributes doesn't mean they don't need limits and structure, which I know is hard when your single. I'm sure there is something that she has that is a perk (maybe all her instruments, an activity or even material item) I explain that if I have to pay for baby sitting I can't afford all those perks in life. Try doing some of the stuff with her and maybe make her your team mate, be real with her. I tell my daughter all the time the realities of life, obviously at the appropriate age level. I explain, I know life is hard sometimes and completely unfair, but if we stick together then we can get thru this and move on to the fun stuff. Also she is still a kid and sometimes with our good kids we get blown away when they act like normal kids.

Lillian - posted on 03/09/2012

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keep it up now and maybe she wants to be a part of your daily stuff as well and don't hesitate to give her consequentes, because after all she is human and will have moments of not wanting to be perfect.

Lillian - posted on 03/09/2012

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Who is the boss? Who is the Mom? You can be firm without yelling and if she doesn't listen give her a chore to do and if she doesn't want to do it, you must not give in!!!!!! you must follow through until it gets done, especially the first time. I know you tired and don't want to follow through after a long day at the office. But she is a gift you were given from above and the most important task you have in your life is to bring her up to be a good person and to know what is right in life and not to give her way. Think about this if you had your way, would you be working? She needs to learn so she can go on in her life being a good person when she grows and goes. I hope this has helped.

t

Missy - posted on 03/09/2012

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It sounds like she is working so hard to be "good" in public that she needs some time when she can just be a kid and not be "perfect". I like that you took the time to sit down and talk to her. I'm proud that you actually simply listened to her. Most teens feel like that many adults simply don't want to be bothered enough to listen to them. They don't expect or secretly even want you to agree with them. I think you need to stick to your guns and make sure there are consequences when she doesn't treat you or her siblings with respect. Also, make it a point to praise her and show your appreciation when she has been wonderful at home and in public. (Don't overdo it though or else it will seem fake.) Finally, let her know it's ok not to be perfect and it's ok to be a kid sometimes and make mistakes. I've noticed that most eldest children come to resent their parents and their siblings because they wind up having a little more responsibility than the other kids. As adults, they believe they missed out on part of their childhood. (I am not saying that you are keeping her from having a childhood. I'm saying that's how some kids PERCEIVE it. That doesn't mean the perception is accurate.) This is just some thoughts.

Denise - posted on 03/08/2012

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As I was reading I never heard the word LOVE when your that age of 14 your really need to hear that. It lets them know that you took the time to say it to them. I am the oldest and of 7 children and my husband of 12 children it is what is expected of you when your the oldest. Some times you have take things away from them for it to sink in.

Petakopp - posted on 03/08/2012

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Simple... remove the opportunities you constantly give her and tell her to wake up to herself, shes being selfish and you are letting her get away with it. You are the parent and you should be the one in control

Jen - posted on 03/08/2012

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Did you ever stop to think It's not her responsibility to watch her siblings? Laundry she should do but you have to watch how much of your choices are affecting her. It's not her fault you're a single mother of 4.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/08/2012

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LOL...@ amanda...Me too, me too...Thank goodness mine are (finally) becoming few and far between on that note. But, I really never did realize how the medical can affect the attitude...I just thought that my sunny boy had turned into a royal ass...I really felt bad when I found out that his was medical. Now his brother, on the other hand, was just being an ass...LOL...so we handled that the other way.

Amanda - posted on 03/08/2012

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@Shawnn Lively I actually agree with you, until your teenager is talking back, being irresponsible, and just plain old making your life hell. Some teenagers if you give them an inch they will take a mile. When my teenager is behaving like a young adult, she is treated like one, when she behaves like a spoiled 5 year old she is treated like one. :0)

Carly - posted on 03/08/2012

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Thank you all for your posts and advice... I actually pulled her out of school an hour early, to have a one on one conversation with out younger siblings around.. We both explaned ourselves and our feelings tward each other, and what we expect from one another to make our relationship a working and stable one. I explaned how much I do for her and her siblings, and that my responciblity was to raise a well rounded emontional stable adult, and I need her help around the house and with the younger children. I truely believe that things will be changing, I also listened to her complaints so I could understand why she has been acting that way. I now can relate and understand because I listened even though I might not agree, I can understand although she will be helping out more and if she does not there will be consequences. It was a sucessful conversation, last night she went out of her way to be nice and helpful I am excited to see where this new road will take us in the mean time.....wish us luck and thank you all again...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/07/2012

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Well, you know, Amanda, I used to think EXACTLY like that...Until some of my son's attitude issues were directly linked to his medical issues at the time, which is why I like to think that I've become more understanding of some things.



And, with the treatment for his medical issues, his attitude came right around as well. So, I DO tend to look for a medical cause more now than I did 2 years ago.



Yes, some teenagers are just assholes. Most, however, if they weren't before, DO have other problems that need to be addressed.



I don't argue with my kids either. "winning" isn't what I'm here to do. I'm here to parent. Whether that means punish, praise, or whatever, that's what I'm here to do. In my house we have discussions, not arguments. Teenagers are capable of calm discussion, if you set the guidelines, and they actually appreciate being treated as humans, and not subjects. And, my kids don't push it any more. It didn't take but one punishment of taking everything that they didn't need away and making them earn it back.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/07/2012

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Is she perhaps ADHD? Or something similar? It sounds like she's either too busy, and stressed, or simply has a problem with relating in interpersonal relationships. Has her behavior always been this way, or is this new? Perhaps a visit with a therapist to start, and also her doctor.

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