14yr old daughter driving me to drink

[deleted account] ( 14 moms have responded )

In a nut shell, my daughter broke a major house rule and blatantly lied to me (not a little white lie) and the consequence was to lose her cell and all access to social media. But she refuses to apologize. At all. Even though she knows she was wrong. Instead, she expects ME to apologize to HER for acting like a parent. Home has been hell for almost a week. We're both very headstrong people but I can't bend on this one. Of course there's lots more detail but it would take pages and pages to get it all out. Which I'll gladly do if someone has ever been in the same boat as having their teenager lie to them and losing your trust. How on earth do we resolve this??

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/14/2015

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Love it. People have problems, true problems, but when offered reasonable advice, get pissy and leave...

I sense quite a lot of residual guilt and other issues on the part of those poster...

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Dove - posted on 08/13/2015

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You get your family professional help and in time... if behaviors change... trust can be rebuilt. You can not trust someone if the untrustworthy behavior doesn't change.

Stop getting pissy and listen... (though you've deleted your account, so I guess you really don't WANT to listen) No one gave you bad advice. You have just taken one part of an answer that you didn't like and jumped all over it instead of being receptive to the rest... Not our fault.

[deleted account]

People read into things what ever they want. I didn't skip over the 'needs professional help'. I was asking for advice on how to trust her again. Soooo happy I reached out to this site. It's been such a help. Not.

Dove - posted on 08/13/2015

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*Last Friday, my boyfriend and I were going away for the weekend. I tried to get her to go with us, but she refused, saying she didn't want to do any of the things we had planned and she just wanted to stay home. I told her she could have a friend over to stay with her for company (explicitly said 'not G' and she promised not to have her in the house), and she said that either B was going to stay or she would go to B's house for a night (B is her closest friend).*

I love it when people leave stuff out and get pissed that we aren't mind readers... NO WHERE did you say she was going to be supervised by an adult...

You apparently completely skipped over the parts where she needs professional help. You asked 'how on earth do we resolve this??'... And the answer is... by seeking professional help. Stop getting so hung up over getting an apology and get your child the professional help that she NEEDS.... now.

[deleted account]

oh my! I didn't leave her alone for the weekend. I had no plans to leave her alone for the weekend. She was either going to stay at my mother's, or mom was going to stay there. And she could have a friend over in either case. They were going to figure it out over supper together. I'm not sure how D planned on talking her way into staying home alone, but that simply doesn't happen. And I'm not more or less upset over the sex/sexts vs the lying. There have been consequences. What I was looking for was advice on how to regain the lost trust.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/13/2015

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Also, any computers in your home need to be in a central location in the home where everyone passing can see what is on the screen. Parental locks need to be in place.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/13/2015

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Well, you were GOING to leave her alone....that is a problem. The second problem, is that you did not take her electronics away at the first sign of child pornography. Personally, it would not matter if she EVER apologized. If this was MY kid, they would NEVER have access to a phone again. Period. They can get one on their own when they move out. Then I would proceed to show them very graphic things that happen to kids when they behave in such a reckless manor. Counseling would NOT be an option, it would be mandatory. Your daughter is in trouble. It goes way beyond an apology. You should also find the boy she was sexting, and speak to his parents. I mean, wouldn't you want to know??

I think you did the right thing to talk with the other girls parents and inform them about what is going on. They clearly don't have a clue.

Your daughter has a lot of trust to earn back....if ever. An apology isn't the end of it. Grounding is definately in order.

Dove - posted on 08/13/2015

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OK... now I read that you didn't ACTUALLY leave her alone. Sorry...should have read a bit further, but hearing that you were planning to had me upset enough to stop reading and just respond.

Dove - posted on 08/13/2015

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I can't read all that, but from what I DID read... you need to get that child into counseling now. She is engaging in illegal and dangerous behavior. She doesn't 'need to apologize'... she needs help.

I'm surprised you were more upset about the lying and the secret relationship than the fact that your 14 year old daughter is having sex and creating illegal pornographic materials.

I'm also extremely surprised that you would leave her alone for the weekend knowing all of this behavior has been going on. Get her some help... now.

Also... given the age difference between the girls it is quite possible that it could be considered statutory rape on G's part. I think I'd be looking up the law on that and if it IS... contact G that the next time she interacts w/ your daughter you will report her to the authorities. 14 is under the age of consent in every US state.

Raye - posted on 08/13/2015

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I can tell you that my mother and I began butting heads in my teen years. There were times that we were not talking and wrote letters back and forth (living in the same house). There were times we got into physical fights. I ran away from home 3 times. Plenty of screaming and disappointment and hurt feelings on both sides. But she never stopped trying to do what she felt was best for me. It took time, but we have a good relationship now. Although I still don't agree with some of the choices she made, I respect her for trying her best to be an active parent and keep me and my sister on track. I was young and stupid and thought I knew everything. I know that now. You both are going to make mistakes. But you have to be the parent and do what's right for your kids. Some day, they may respect you for it, but until then you have to keep strong through the struggle.

[deleted account]

I know all this. SHE knows all this. We've talked about it all quite openly and she agrees with everyone we talk about to my face. But she just doesn't seem to care. And I honestly don't know what else to do to get through to her.

And she's only left on her own for a few hours at a time. I didn't mean to make it sound any different.

But I still stick to my guns that she needs to apologize. Both for lying and deliberately breaking the rules. What does it teach her if I just 'let it go'? That she can do whatever she likes?

We live in a very small community - there's less than a dozen houses, and no other kids live there. There's nothing in walking distance so I don't have to worry about her going anywhere or friends just stopping in unexpectedly. That being said, taking her phone away stops her interaction with G, but it also stops her interactions with her other friends.

She been an excellent kid until this whole 'girlfriend' thing started. And I have no problem being firm and consistent. Everyone else around me does though.

Raye - posted on 08/13/2015

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First, I want to point out that the sexting at her age is a serious problem. Any revealing and/or explicit photos or videos is CHILD PORN. This could get her, the people she's sending the images to, and anyone else that gets a hold of those images (possibly even her parent) thrown in JAIL. That needs to STOP immediately, and she should not get her phone back unless it is a phone that can only make and receive calls.

Next, she needs to know all about STD's and that having multiple sex partners (or having one partner who is dating other people) puts her at greater risk for diseases. Find graphic images of STD's on the internet and show her what can happen to her. STD's could also leave her barren, affect her brain chemistry and development, and other effects that can't be seen outwardly. Teach her about safe sex (even between two girls). And since she may engage in activity with guys as well, talk to her about pregnancy.

She should be taught to value herself more, so that she can find a partner that respects her, doesn't lie to her, doesn't see other people, etc. She needs to respect herself and not display her body to anyone that comes along. She needs to respect herself and understand that giving in to current wants may be jeopardizing her long term needs (like needing to stay out of JAIL).

Really, there's no need for her to apologize. She only needs to act appropriately. And you as the parent need to make sure she's acting appropriately... like not going away and leaving her on her own. You need to monitor all her interactions at home, school, and on the internet. It's going to be inconvenient to you, but that's part of being a parent. You have to be firm and consistent. If you cave, then she knows it's only a matter of continuing to push your buttons until she gets her way.

[deleted account]

Hi Jodi, I didn't give a whole lot of detail at first because I wasn't sure how active this site is (first time on is today). But here goes:

My daughter (D) turned 14 in January. She's a good student, has lots of friends, is active in lots of sports, is responsible, witty, funny, and an overall good kid. We live in a small place where everyone knows everyone and their dog :) And the kids in the school have all grown up together.

In the spring, she started spending a lot more time with one girl in particular. She (G) turned 17 a couple of months ago. She also has a boyfriend of 3 years. So she would spend some week nights at our place or D would go to her house, and then she'd spend the weekends at her boyfriends. I started to notice that during the week, D was happier than ever, but on the weekends she would become surly, argumentative, disrespectful - you name it. Complete attitude shift.

So I came to find out that D & G were more than close friends. They were in a sexual relationship. But it all had to be kept secret because G didn't want her boyfriend to find out. I talked to my daughter over and over, nice and calm, explaining that it wasn't right to be in a secret relationship. And D got upset, saying that G was in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend and that she's so happy when they're together etc.

So I let it slide for a week or two. But still no change. I can't condone this behavior. She's 14. What is it teaching her that she has a secret girlfriend who also has a boyfriend? It's just so twisted and it's really not a good foundation to base future relationships on. So I banned D from going to G's house and vice versa. It did not go well but she accepted it. D know's it's wrong, and has kept giving G ultimatums that she has to leave her boyfriend or stop seeing her, but she always manages to talk her way around.

I've found out that D has been lying to me about G, that they've broken up when they really haven't, that they've been having very vocal phone sex, and have been texting videos of themselves masturbating to each other. Very explicit videos. I've also found out that D has been lying to G, trying to make her jealous and forcing her hand to leave her boyfriend - which she constantly says she's going to do, just 'not yet'. D is making up stories, saying she's going to another girl's house for the weekend when she's really home etc. I've also discovered that D has been texting masturbation videos of herself to a guy because she's so frustrated with the whole situation. I know WHY she's doing it, but that doesn't make it right. D doesn't know that I know about the sexts, but she does know that I know about the phone sex because I walked in on her. The phone was taken, we had a long talk, and I got the same story again about how she was going to break up with G. And the next day she told me that they were finished, crying, upset - but it was all lies. Let me tell you, she's become a very convincing liar.

Last Friday, my boyfriend and I were going away for the weekend. I tried to get her to go with us, but she refused, saying she didn't want to do any of the things we had planned and she just wanted to stay home. I told her she could have a friend over to stay with her for company (explicitly said 'not G' and she promised not to have her in the house), and she said that either B was going to stay or she would go to B's house for a night (B is her closest friend). D was super nice all day Friday, texting me like mad, but I could tell something was up. As far as she knew, we were leaving straight after work, but we ended up going back home first. As soon as I walked in the house, I saw a strange pair of shoes in the hallway. D came out of her bedroom, shut the door and asked why we were home. Long story short, G was hiding in her bedroom closet. There was no yelling or screaming, but I was so hurt and disappointed. Neither girl said a word, just kept looking at the floor. I told G to pack up her things (she was staying the night) and I drove her home. And then I had a talk with her mother, explaining what was happening. G was there, but D was out in the car. Again, no yelling, screaming, or blaming, just a candid conversation. G's mom had absolutely no idea what was happening and was shocked. For me this was the last straw. I was just so tired of keeping it all in.

So back to the car, where D proceeded to yell and scream at me and tell me over and over again how much she hates me and that she wishes I wasn't her mother. Her cell and all access to social media have been taken away. She refuses to talk to me. At all. There's no yelling or screaming, but the silent treatment could blow the roof off. When I came home from work two days ago, she demanded to know when she would get her cell back. I told her it depended on her as she has yet to apologize for lying to me and breaking a rule. She doesn't get privileges back until her attitude improves. Her repsonse? 'that's it by' She wants me to apologize to her for telling G's mother what was going on. She's been half-civil to her step-dad (because I'm the bad guy) but last night when he tried to talk to her, she had major attitude again.

We live in a small community - my mom lives 4 houses away, and my brother lives 3 houses away. You can't keep secrets in a small town, but I hate people knowing my business. My mom know there's something wrong and that D is in 'trouble', but I refuse to tell her the details because she's a huge gossip. When she asks D what's wrong, D just says 'I don't know - mom is over reacting for something silly'.

I'm really at my wits end. I've thought about apologizing for the fact that she was embarrassed that I talked to G's mom, but I'm not sorry that I told her. I expect an apology from her for lying and breaking the rules. If I just give in and give her back her cell, what am I teaching her?

Her biological father was an obsessive, compulsive, habitual liar. The kind that would make up lies for absolutely no reason and not bat an eye, and would have conversations on the phone when there was no one on the other end. And I'm terrified D is heading in the same direction. Everyone tells little white lies, but what she's doing goes beyond that.

I'm about ready to go out of my mind, I really am.

Jodi - posted on 08/13/2015

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Who is she needing to apologise to? and Why?

I am a Year 7 coordinator in a high school (and have had teen children), so I understand the whole social media thing. But forcing to apologise without acknowledging the issues is never going to work.

Why is hone a hell? Are you fighting? Stop. Stop engaging in it.

But you really haven't given a great deal of information. It's hard to give advice without a little more info.

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