15 year old daughter thinks she might be gay

Kim - posted on 09/05/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 15. We recently caught here lying and she has made up a boyfriend for her friend. She has been communicating with this girl as though she is the boy. She says shebis confused and has now admitted that she has feelings for this girl. The girl does not know she is the "boyfriend". My daughter also says she has a crush on a boy but her friends do not think he is cute. She is just beginning tomsee a therapist. I will support her with whatever decision she makes in life. She states she does not know what she feels and is scared she is gay. I'm not worried about her sexual orientation as much as the lying and deceit. We took all electronics and she needs to stop the deception and she lied and took her younger sisters phone. It's almost like and addiction to talk to this girl for her. I do not know what to do next or if anyone else has had this same experience. Any advce is appreciated.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/05/2011

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I would tell her to invite the girl over for dinner, or a family game night. That way she feels more comfortable talking to her, and opens up to you more. The lying comes with being a teenager. I am not so sure therapy is necessary for that, but to help her with her confusion of sexual orientation maybe. Have you let her know you will love her straight, gay or bi? Kids need to hear these things.

Wendy - posted on 09/05/2011

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I think the therapist is a good idea just to help her understand her feelings....As a parent you need to tell her what you are saying to us that no mater what you will support her...good for you! I think the deception comes from her not knowing how anyone will react to this...i have more than a few gay friends m/f and they say its hard enough being a teenager never mind being differant than the norm....suport her,love her and be there for her ....good luck

Kim - posted on 09/05/2011

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She is responding thru e-mail acting like the boy. The girl does not know it's her which is not fair to the girl. Her therapist does know

JuLeah - posted on 09/05/2011

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Wow. How great that she can, no matter how frightened she might have been, talk with you.

A friend of mine, yah, her folks called a Priest and performed a 4 day exorcism. She was let out of bed only once a day to use the bathroom.

I can't tell you how many I know were kicked to the curb

She had cause to be frightened, given what she has likely seen of the hate we have in this country towards people in the queer community - maybe she hoped, believed, really wanted you to understand, but was not 100% sure.

I would have cost me my life, and I have no doubt about that, had I been honest with my folks at her age

That is where the lies come from - self preservation - survival

Maybe she is gay, maybe not- counseling is where she needs to be because her approach in life right now is not clean and will lead no where good

I can tell you, if this is actually her issue, feeling so different for so long takes its toll and it does damage

I assume the counselor was not hired to 'cure her' or 'change her' but help her to understand why she has been behaving with such deception?

Sounds like you are doing all things right - example to parent everywhere

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Christina - posted on 09/27/2012

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If you need some help, not sure where you live, but my closest friend is a school councilor in PS just for troubled teens and what I just learned the LGBT! Funny all my friends are gay men. I of all people did not even know what that meant. If you need someone to talk to, let me know, I will give you her phone number. I have spoke to many of my gay friends, they all said the same thing, they new they were gay at a very young age. However when they came out they realized that people looked at them different in society view. That's the scary part for a little girl. Hormones and I'm not like everyone else. Man you would think that if she is gay, holding that lie for so long that she would never lie again, NO



I thought coming out would make it better, it didn't. Complicates things until their mature enough to handle it!



C

Christina - posted on 09/27/2012

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I just found out my daughter thinks she is bisexual 3months ago, I also found out a lot more. The new thing in middle school and high school is to be bi so guys will like you.

Crazy, things have changed since we were kids. My daughter is 14, she totally liked boys until we moved to big bear, something happened. Not to mention she is 5.9 red hair braces, glasses and bad ache. Total nerd and extremely smart. Is she gay, I don't know, and she won't know until she has sex.



Is all this making me feel like a failure as a mom, yes. Only because I never thought she was confused about who she was, no mother thinks her daughter will do this, and then it happens. I told my daughter I do not care if she is gay, I love her no matter what.

Lying is just the beginning, she was collecting pills, why? She said she was sad. Watch your teen, never give up. Just because they come out does not mean its over, it's just beginning. Protect them.

After coming out, she gotten worse. So worried not just for her safety,her feeling and her self esteem, but her direction. I feel like I'm lost



C

[deleted account]

I totally agree with JuLeah. And by the sound of things, you are doing as much for her as you can right now in continuing to let her know you love and accept her with your whole heart unconditionally; and by having her see the counsellor to help her work through whatever her feelings are. Gosh, gay or straight, I'd HATE to be a teen again- such a full-on time of life isnt it? The other thing I would suggest is- where I live there is an organisation that provides help and advice to family and friends of gay men and women, as to how to help support support thri loved one- you could maybe see if there's such an organisation in your area too?

Firebird - posted on 09/06/2011

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Have you talked to your daughter about how this other girl might be hurt because of this lie?

[deleted account]

She needs to come clean w/ this girl that she is not actually a boy... which I'm sure you already know. Other than that, I have no input. Good luck w/ it all though!

Firebird - posted on 09/05/2011

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Ok is it your daughter that's pretending to be the "boyfriend"? Or is she pretending this other girl is her boyfriend? She's going to have to come clean about that sooner or later, and sooner is usually better. Does her therapist know about the deception?

Maggie - posted on 09/05/2011

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arr hun its hard. and being a mum thats hard too. but as hard as it is he has too go through whats what life takes her. wow now that easyer said than done. and at 15 yeah way too yong. mine are 28 and 32 lol i still have cut the appron string. heehee i dont think i ever will

Kim - posted on 09/05/2011

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Thank you all for your comments. The therapist is strictly for her to sort out her emotions and feelings. I will ove and support her no matter what. That being said all I have done all day is cry. Not for what she may be but what she is going thru and I as her mom cannot help her or take away her pain. I will listen all she needs and not judge. All I keep doing istelling her how much I love her and she is just so sad and quiet, embarrassed, hurt and confused. I just do not know what to do.

Maggie - posted on 09/05/2011

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arr hun thats hard. id talk too her, and tell her no matter what say im always going too love you. but it makes me sad that you lie too me and every one hun. lets tlk and see if we can find an answer weather or not you are truly gay or maybe it just a faze. r maybe we can find some one for you too talk too.

Katherine - posted on 09/05/2011

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The lying and deceit is because she is afraid of your reaction. So that's why she is doing this.

Stifler's - posted on 09/05/2011

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I'm confused. Why is it a problem for her to talk to this girl as a girl? She is pretending her friend who is a girl is her boyfriend because she is scared of being gay?

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