16 & 17 year old daughters..

Carrie - posted on 12/31/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is raising his almost adult 2 children. Ages 17 (girl) and age 20 (boy). No help nor support from their mother. I have 3 children myself 25 (boy) 23 (boy) (both out on their own with their own apartments and girlfriend), and I also have a 16 year old (girl) (that lives with me). My kids are so different then my bf's kids and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Advice is needed.
My bf's son is 20, has a full time job, takes home about $400 a week still lives with my bf pays NO bills in the house, does not buy any food, personals, and buys no household products, nothing towards the house. He gives his dad money for his cell phone and car insurance (he is on his dads plan and policy for car insurance). He pays his truck payment, credit card payment and student loan payment. His 17 year old daughter is a senior and works part time. She pay for absolutely nothing.. not even her own personal things. She has a different boyfriend every month (10 this past year). She stays out everyday and night whenever she wants to. And ALWAYS argues with her dad when he tells her she can not do something, and he gives into her. He has brought her 2 cars in the past year because she recked the 1st one. She does not pay for her car insurance and does not pay for any repairs that need to be done to the car, her dad does. I have tried talking to him many times and have told him if he does NOT start making her pay for something she will NEVER learn how to live on her own. He WILL not listen to me. I own my own home and he has his own home, so we do not live together. We see each other a few times a week. I have had to back off from staying at his house because it bothers me so much to know what is going on with the way his kids treat him. I am afraid if things do not change with his kids that our relationship will not go any further. We both love each other very much and we have talked about getting married but I just don't see anything changing in his situation. He is 50 and I will be 43 soon. I do not want to have a weekend relationship with him forever. Any advice on how to deal with my situation?

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Jodi - posted on 01/01/2014

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I agree with Evelyn. These are not your step-children, it is not your home, it is not your rules, it is not your finances. You don't have any say in it.

I don't agree with you about it being a one way street. You are ALLOWING it to be a one way street. That is your choice to allow him to make decisions in your home. He certainly doesn't have the right to, you are making that choice. Just as he is making the choice to raise HIS children how HE chooses in HIS home with HIS money.

Personally, I think you are overstepping your boundaries.

Carrie - posted on 01/01/2014

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Evelyn.
Let me start off by thanking you for your advice..
You are correct in many ways
No, we are not married as of yet, yes, it is his home not mine, no I don't like the way his kids take him for granted, he has been raising his kids himself for 4 years now.
This is part reason why I am having a hard time with things...
He wants me at his home all the time (he has told me this many time's), he has been changing things in his home to try and make me fell that I am part of his home (on his own). He asks me ALL the time for advice on what he should do about his daughter and the things she does. He talks to me on his own free will about how tough things are getting at the house as far as finical and bills. He asks me to talk to his daughter to see if she will tell me why she does the things she does. With that being said,,
After the 1st year of us dating, his daughter and I were starting to get close ,calling, texting, she would come to me and talk to me about girl things and to get my advice on things. Then she started putting me in a spot with her dad. She would want me to tell him to start letting her do things that she should not have been doing.. smoking...drinking...going to parties, staying out until 2 am, things like that. She just turned 16 at this time. I told her I would NOT ask her dad to allow her to do them type of things. I explained to her that I am there for her anytime she wanted to talk and anytime she needed me but I would NOT encourage her on such things. After I told her that I would not do it, she pulled away from me and now her and I only speak when I do see her when she is home (not very often). She has made rude comments to my daughter in regards to her being heavy set. These are just a few things going on with his daughter.
On the other hand when he comes to my house, he is always making comments to me about how to spend my money. Giving me advice about my daughter as well. He is always making the comment that we have 2 houses he has remodeled one of the rooms in my house because he wanted a bigger room. I paid for the supplies but it was his idea to do the work. I don't mind that he makes decisions about my home because I do feel that we are together and he has a say so in decisions that go on with this house as well as our family. This is what he tells me ALL the time.
So when I try to give him advice about his kids I do not fell that I do not have a say so in it. It is almost like a one way street...his way. He can do it to me but if I do what he ask me to do then I am wrong.
I see him down and out when his kids do him wrong and as his partner I will not keep quit when someone takes him for granted kids or not.
His son will spend hundreds of dollars on things for his truck while his dad struggles to pay their bills. That's just not right.

Ev - posted on 12/31/2013

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You said you have your house and he has his. You are not married as yet. So, if I read it correctly, you are not thrilled with how his kids are using his good graces to not have to do things in the home he has. First, it is his home and how he runs it right now is not something you can comment on and make him change. Second, you are not married yet meaning you have no say in his home. You must respect his choices. All you can do is tell him it bothers you and to keep on will push him away. Third, the kids are not your step children as yet either and since you have not combined homes together, your wishes are not going to be met. Fourth, if he has been doing this for a long time, he may see that this is nothing wrong in how this is set up. YOU can not change the man and he would have to be willing to change himself before anything could be done. Finally, it is apparent that you have very different parenting styles.

Would you want him to come to your home and tell you that what you are doing is wrong and that the kids should not have to do what you are wanting them to do? Think about that.

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