16 year old step daughter is out of control, help

Irene - posted on 07/20/2013 ( 22 moms have responded )

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She thinks she can do whet ever she wants, when she wants. She is lying, steeling, manipulating me and her dad to qustify what she is doing. She smokes pot, drinks and goes to parties. She lies all the time and does what she wants. Her dad doesn't check up on her because he is fed up and doesn't know what to do. This all started when she began going to hi school........omg,,,,,help

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Jodi - posted on 07/26/2013

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Casey, that's atrocious advice. In many places, hitting a 16 year old would be assault and you could be charged.

Amy - posted on 07/29/2013

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Try to find a Scared Straight program. My boys (ages17-13) had not gotten into the smoking and drinking but did have the lying, manipulating, disobeying, and especially my oldest who because he could drive thought he should be able to come & go as he pleased. We sent them to our local program at the end of May and it has really helped. I still get attitude from them but nothing out of the ordinary. They are doing chores as they are told reasonably well. My oldest follows his curfew and doesn't argue about it anymore.

Amanda - posted on 07/27/2013

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Ok I don't have a older child my son is five, but I have a cousin that was like that. Sweet little angel until high school, the drugs alcohol, and partying was happening alot. She stole from her parents, hit her mother, and pushed her older brother. My aunt and uncle did everything they could for her, when she was 17 they called the cops and said they want a temporary restraining order because she was punching the windows and broke two plus the back door because they locked her out while she was coming down from meth. She has a record, can't get a job, and has child and family services looking down her neck. She changed and she said it was because her mom and kick her out and I told her I was so disappointed in her and that I never wanted to talk to her while she was high or still drinking and smoking because my son should not see her like that or risk being hurt. The family has to stand together, including her brother. KICK HER OUT! SHE WANTS TO PARTY AND GET PHYSICAL WITH YOU AND NOT LISTEN THEN SHE DOESN'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. WHEN HER FRIENDS AREN'T THERE FOR HER SHE WILL SEE WHAT HER "FRIENDS" ARE LIKE. Sounds like she needs to hit rock bottom, some people do, my cousin did. Stand your ground, tell her that she either listens or is gone, she hits you call the police and tell them she can't live there anymore. She could get sent to a halfway house or juvi, boo hoo her actions have consequnces until she sees that nothing will change.

[deleted account]

Could there be something going on at school? Is she being bullied? It cannot be easy having a mother that takes drugs and a broken family. Life is a lot more difficult for kids and teens nowadays. From what I have witnessed, and it's different for everyone, most kids get into drinking and/or drugs due to low self-esteem. She must be trying hard to fit in. Is she dating someone new? Do you know any of her friends?
I understand that you are angry and frustrated. It cannot be easy for you either trying to make it feel like a home and family all by yourself. Your husband needs to work with you and not be so passive. I don't know if family counseling would work. Maybe encourage your husband to take a parenting class. Go with him if he does to show that you are supportive and want what is best for the family.

Cateyes234 - posted on 07/25/2013

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First of all I'm very sorry that you have to go through this with no support from your husband. If he would stand up with you and but his foot down, then she would see that you two are united and will not stand for her crap. My advice, and be be harsh but it is time for her to go! Yes, I know many would disagree but some kids especially nowadays need to realize how good they have it at home. I see kids in other countries, and here in the US that have it bad, but she has 2 loving parents that feed, clothe, and provide for her every want and desire. Its time for an ultimatium. You either do what your told and follow the rules of this house, or you need to find another place to live. She is no longer at an age where you can save her from her mistakes. She will have to learn the hard way! Tell your husband to pull up his big boy underwear and man up to this situation, if not then time for YOU to leave! Again I have seen many happy couple break up over their children and a marriage come 1st. I will be praying to God for a break through in your family! Bless you.

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Stephanie - posted on 07/29/2013

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Take her to get help from a psychologist..get the family to the psychologist. The sooner you do this the better..I know we were in similar situation.

Melissa - posted on 07/28/2013

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We all get angry, frustrated and totally overwhelmed with our children. We might hate their behavior but it doesn't mean we hate the child. Raising children is definately not easy and we try to to do our best. Everyone does make mistakes and everyone acts out in some way or another when life is upsetting us. I have a teen daughter and it's a very scary world out there raising our children today. I am honest with my children whether they like it or not. I am quite strict but is to teach my children respect, independence, selfworth and guide them into their adult life. I don't believe a 16 year old is an adult and still needs the love and guidance from her parents. My teen yells and lashes out in frustration as do most teens. It sounds as if your teen is very very unhappy and this makes me feel very sad. Teens have it hard already without the extras. If I was u I would definately get this sad beautiful 16 year old some special counciling. I would definitely really focus on any positive action or comment she makes. There seems to be alot of negative things going on in this girls mind and some positives will definitely make her think. Talk to her teachers to get as much support from them. You would be amazed by what influences teachers have. Your step daughter needs all the love and support from all adults in her life. Your step daughter is so very much worth every effort to get her feeling loved and loving HERSELF. I'm thinking of u and your beautiful family. Stay strong and save this beautiful child.

Katrina - posted on 07/28/2013

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The only thing that bothers me at all about this post is the way you talk about her and her mother.. she does know how you feel about her, even if you dont say it.. but talking like that is just going to drive her further away. Trust me.. sounds like you have 2 options.. get help for the whole family (sounds like you ALL need therapy) or pack up and leave .. your call. But if you stay.. dont get mad and "vent" while calling her or her mom names.. i promise somehow someway she will find out and begin to hate you.

Bethany - posted on 07/28/2013

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I would think very carefully before letting the government into my home. ..child services that sort of thing, or the police, once you welcome there help there is no going back. Once your daughter has a record there is no recovering from that..if its possible I would look for some sort of counseling, not just for her but for all of you. Whether its in home counseling or away would be something to consider also think about. This is something that you all as a family now will have to work through. Depending on what age you became her stepparent you can't be the one to enforce the discipline.

Irene - posted on 07/27/2013

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No your wrong. This is the first time I have felt like this. Just after she hit me. I have been nothing but loving to her for the past 10 years. I have always told her love her mother. I have always talked her mother up.

This all started when she began high school. started popping pills and smoking pot. Sneaking out and such. She knows for a fact that I love her all this time. I have never showed hate, only love and understanding.

So again, you are wrong. Her dad just doesn't know how to take control and I keep trying to tell him that he needs to get help to learn how to take control of our home life. He let's her do what ever she wants.

[deleted account]

I don't know that you will be able to talk to her as she can probably sense that you do not like her. I picked up on that in the way you wrote about her (and her mother), i.e. "b****", etc. You may not say anything bad about her mother to her, but believe me, she can sense it.
Sending her away to another family member reinforces to her that you've all given up on her and can't be bothered with her. I agree that her father needs to step up and be more active and firm. Showing her that while there are rules in place that she needs to abide by doesn't mean that she is not loved.
Marrying someone that already has children is a package deal. I have a step-son and I love him like my own. I will never replace his mother, but I can love him and be there for him like one. The love has to be there for it to work. We may not like what people in our family do and it's those actions that we disapprove of, but we don't stop loving them because of it.
My mom always said (and it drove me nuts) that actions speak louder than words. It's true. Your actions have to mirror your words.
If you truly have loved her as your own for the last 10 years she will know that, and if not, she'll know that too.
Let her know you are there for her, but she's going to have to meet you halfway. If she does open up do not judge, just listen.
And absolutely do not lie to get her taken away as another post suggested. You'll break any possibility of trust with her not to mention possibly get into trouble yourself. Good luck!

Julia - posted on 07/26/2013

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Send her ass to the mental hospital they'll keep her for at least a week even if u have to lie and say she's trying to harm herself and others that way noone can come get her out and they'll work on her. Juvie on the other hand doesn't really help but my main advice to u is to become her best friend talk to her about ur past if u did any crazy bad stuff when u were her age and let her in on u she will let u in and she will start to listen to u but u have to be more of a friend then a parent remember she might feel as if uve been trying to replace her mother she already has 1 she doesn't want another she's 2 young right now later on she will thank u and look at u as a mother but also remember what I said mental hospital u want her involuntary if she is that much outta control it needs to be done it might work and maybe it won't but hey it never hurts to try and u won't ever know unless u do and its better than juvi shell get more help and have a longer time to get help hopefully it will help and I wish u all the luck in the world!

Irene - posted on 07/26/2013

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Actually she punched me in the mouth nearly because she was mad. I happened to be standimg at the front door when she tried to leave. she tried to knock me out and started calling me names. I told her that she is so damn lucky that I didn't lay her on the floor. instead I called the cops came and put in juvie. I've had enough ofher I hate hate hate this situation.. the cops told me I should have defended myself and I wish that I would have she needs it. I left the house to try to force my husband to do something about it you just merely leave her at her brothers house. I'm trying to give him advice but I don't even know he's just too confused. I keep telling him to put his foot down and run his household the way he wants it.his kids are runing his life it's ridiculous


I have insured 10 years of this I should have beat her down the b****. she's just like h her drug infested mother.

oh good lord I am so so mad right now

Casey - posted on 07/25/2013

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Beat her ass with your bare hand!! You're never too old for a good spanking!

Irene - posted on 07/25/2013

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that would be great although to her I am an aweful step mother and she hates my guts doesn't want me there I can't stand it in the house and I want to leave. I love my husband so much but its like lets her run him doesn't stand up for me. she says that I am i evil manipulating and has changed him. I have been with her for the last 10 years giving her nothing but love I've never even said a word bad word about her drug infested mother. I hate this I don't know how I lasted this long his children hate my guts and I can't stand the way he raises them because they walk all over him and he's a big fat push over. I have one daughter who was 28 years old with two children and she is thanking me for being tough on her and making her do things for herself being accountable for her actionss.I am not a bad person hethinks he's a great dad but he's trying to compensate for what your mother has done to their lives. she is an awful awful whacked out person. he doesn't know what to do where to go where to get help for anything he just leaves her at her brothers house not doing anything. she is there because when she came home he tried to talk to her and she freaked out started hitting the walls hitting him and hit me in the mouth so I called the police on her and they took her to juvenile hall for two hours now she's back at her brothers house

Dena - posted on 07/25/2013

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My son was out if control too at 16. I laid down the law. I forbid him to be friends with his fellow pot smoking buddies. I was " the worst mom " I got him in counceling and had him drug tested randomly. I was a "Patsy " and guess wht it worked! He is back on track. Following rules, being respectful, and doing good in school. This year he graduates and I am not enemy #1 anymore.
Giid luck! Don't forget when she insists she.hayes y'all , and she will, remind her you still love her!

Ev - posted on 07/20/2013

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I have a 23 year old and a 16.5 year old. One of each....and it is good advice. I never said it was full proof but its the way kids need to be handled. When parents let their kids run the roost at home, this is what happens quite a bit of the time. I know some kids who were raised with rules and consequences and they got wild in high school, but their parents did not let them get away with it to the point that it got so bad suggestions of sending a kid away to get them straightened out is the answer. For some it is but for most rebellious ones its not. If a parent does not hold their kids accountable for their actions like adults are held for theirs in jobs, life, and with the law, how can we expect kids to be that way too. Both my kids are not perfect. My oldest has made a few choices in life I did not agree with but was not rebellious during high school. Was not rebellious during college either. Just made a few choices that were not determental but not made at the right time. The other is 16.5 right now and does pretty well, is well behaved, respectful, but sometimes gets on my nerves when getting upset about things. Has tried to pull my strings in the past but I laid the law down. And its when they are young that you have to do that so they know who is in charge and why. Parents are there to teach their kids the values and rules of life so they can grow up and be able to function right in society. Parents are also guides. And if people would just do that some more, more kids would not expect to be handed everything on a silver platter, would not throw fits even as teens when they do not get their way, and would do better. Yes, we all make mistakes growing up and as adults. I am not perfect either and do not expect it from my kids but I do expect them to be respectful, not expect things handed to them, and that in the end its my decision not theirs until they are 18.

Krystal-Tess - posted on 07/20/2013

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Evelyn - i'm just curious how old your kids are.

only because my mom was pretty strict when i was younger and absolutely had standards that i had to live up to, and i was a really good kid. Straight A's, followed all the rules and all that, but then all of a sudden out of nowhere, when i got to high school i just became this rebellious jack wad of a kid. so honestly, i'm not sure your advice here is 100% fool-proof...

Ev - posted on 07/20/2013

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Sounds like she was allowed to do what she wanted up to this point. It should have been handled a long time ago when she was younger. Giving in to our kids leads to this type of behavior. By setting standards to live by, rules with consequences, and keeping them in check is the only way to teach them how to be.

Krystal-Tess - posted on 07/20/2013

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i was that teenager. i ended up getting pregnant too. there was basically nothing my mom could do either. and trust me, she tried everything. i just got sneaker and better at lying.
i honestly think the only thing you could do would be to send her away. like to boot camp or something. or try homeschooling her and getting the cops to put a voluntary tether on her.. i'm not sure if there is something else you could do.. the more you try to get her to stop, the more she will resist. i'm sorry you're going through this

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