16 YO son just moved in with absentee dad because I have rules

Darcy - posted on 08/11/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My son has been having issues with smoking pot for at least three years. I have done everything I can to try and keep things under control. he has severe anger issues from his dad having no relationship with him, his sister coming home after a 5 year absence, and me having rules such as no drugs.

Lately things were going well and I was giving him more freedom because I trusted him. I gave him back his phone, helped him get a summer job and even assisted him with his music "career". But as I was giving him freedom, he would become very nasty and defiant when I told him to clean his room or take out the garbage.

I even stopped having him do the garbage and his cat's litterbox because he was working so much. He has hardly been home.

Sunday, it became known to me he was in a car with people smoking pot. He denied use, passed his urine test and we moved forward after a long discussion. Upon finding out that he was smoking it, and has been along with possessing it (I got calls from his boss, pictures from a parent clearly showing the drugs were hidden in my sons microphone box at his friends house), I confronted him.

My son then threatened to take his life and said he hated me and ran away. Me, my boss and the police spent 5 hours searching. I then decide to call his dad, who again has never had anything to do with him and what a surprise..he was with my son. And apparently my son picked up his clothes and moved in with him.

My ex is praising my son and just beating me down as usual...this man NEVER went to choir recitals, football games, baseball games...nor did he ever deal with any academic or disciplinary issues...And now, now he is all of the sudden there for my son? In fact, my son and his father didn't speak for almost 6 year,; if it wasn't for my son reaching out, there would be no contact at all.

My son who usually tells me he loves me at least 4 times a day, hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Because I have rules...I am devastated. My ex took my daughter at 14 when he realized she could somewhat be on auto pilot and he could get out of paying support...he dumped her when she turned 18 after an extremely abusive lifestyle...I have her back now and helping her with college and getting her confidence back..I have not sought any financial contribution from that man because that has always been his issue.

My son is going to be living with an abusive, alcoholic druggie that has no respect for women..I feel I have failed as a parent, twice and Im just devastated.

Sorry I sound all over the place. I hurt, broken and just so sad. Any advise would be appreciated.

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Darcy - posted on 08/12/2015

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Sarah, my ex saw my daughter acting out and rather than co-parent with me, he bribed her to come live with him, got excused from his financial obligation and began a course of horrible parental alienation. However, he never went to her school functions, refused to allow her to do anything that would require any participation on his part and allowed his new wife to physically and mentally abuse her, all the while telling her I would not take her back even though I tried to remain in constant contact.
As far as my son, yes I have been interfering with his drug issues for the last three years that include counseling, taking away everything, getting police involved, random urine testing, removal of certain friends, putting him a volunteer program and compelling him to do community service within our town. I have not enabled this child one bit. I guess I wasn't clear yesterday while my head was spinning.
My son has expressed to me many times over the years how he wishes he could have a relationship with his father. He has expressed to me also his anger that I allowed my daughter back home after the way she treated us both. I think those couples with his desire to smoke pot are an issue.
My son is usually a great kid and we are very close. This just hurts.
And now he is with a man who will allow drug use so long as he does what his father wants which will be to hate on me. My son and I have always been very close and I have tried to keep a good reign on him.

Sarah - posted on 08/11/2015

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Your ex "took" your daughter at 14? That makes no sense.
The time to deal with the pot was 3 years ago, not now that he is probably an addict. The child who says he loves you is now controlled by the drugs. If he is already being urine tested there has been an issue with his drug abuse. If he is tampering with the test then he is truly out of control. Why do you want him back if he is nothing but horrible to you?
Also, his anger is not because his dad was MIA nor because his sis returned home, his anger is because you interfered with is drug use.

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