16 yr old teen boy with agressive girlfriend. Need thoughts and advice

Kelly - posted on 01/13/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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17 year old son has a girlfriend that hound him for sex they have been together for almost 1 year and she lives with her grandma . Her mother had her the summer before her senior year . I've read some text messages that she flat out says ; you always say you will then you don't, I shouldn't have to beg for it, it will make us closer like it did in the past , there is nothing to worry about(  by she is on the pill because she has endometriosis ) because that's why I'm on the pill  and you always pulls out before you are finished and the condoms with the tips don't break ect....  Pure manipulation on her part . If this was a guy saying it to a girl he would be considered pathetic . I gather they had sex in the past but he stopped , he is obviosly scared i dont think it has happened since mid september once we found out through her grandma there were condoms in her room we told him he couldnt be alone with her anymore had many long talks about all the consequences but never directly let him know that we knew about the condoms but I'm sure he figured it out . She has suggested they be alone when her grandma is at church , or when she is on the phone and they can hear her then it's safe on and on and on. He just keeps staving her off . She knows the rules about being at her house with him alone when gma is not there . So gma had a date the other night which I knew about in advance . I made up a reason to go to dinner and a mall out of town, he was excited and asked if she could come I said yes of course . Then on the actual day he started saying he didn't want to go he had a bad day at school, but I could still,go I said no he stammered and wanted to know why I said because we're not leaving you alone he accused me of babysitting him , I think at this point he knew I knew her house was open all night . I made dinner and the younger kid said sphe wanted to gomto the place we had talked about and insaid we couldnt the older one said ya we could have still went and my husband reiterated that he wasnt going to be left alone with her at our house - somtheynwere told twice . Then he said they were going tomthe gym and left in his jeans didn't change to gym clothes. I ended up checking up on them and they were just where I thought they would be - her house . My husband texted him and told him to get home and he was home in about 5 mins and went straight to his room, he came out and said he had a bad day and just went to drive around but was angry and didn't think it was good to drive so they went there. I call total bs on that story that was her plan the whole time. She of course waited till grandma got home and told on herself and swears they weren't doing anything . I'm so pissed that he did this  and grandma believes her . I have eluded to what I have read in past text messages she tells me that I could be reading  into it wrong - of course I don't tell her verbatim because imdont want to embarrass her . I have asked her repeatedly to not tell her when she leaves all the info like when she will be back. She feels this is being dishonest and won't lie- I think omitting details like I will be back at 9pm is not lying I think this girl needs to be on a need to know basis she feels if she just tells her no company she will obey.  The whole deal for her living with grandma was to finish her high school education but here we are at the end of the first semester her jr year and she will be getting no credits well if she is lucky maybe she will get a d or two but at profess half way through she had all Fs . Her mother who is 34 moved away with her abusive step dad and her 5 younger siblings. I don't like what is going on I do feel it's not her fault she came from a family like this BUT I am really afraid for my son . Even if she dosent end up pregnant where does this go? Gma says she has one more  year left - thinking at the end of her senior year she is done  raising her? and then what? I informed her my son was going to college or living at home and going to community  college for 2 years and then going off to college .

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Kelly - posted on 01/13/2013

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Ariana that's an interesting point of view. I don't think that i set them up her house has been empty before except this time she actually told the GD that she was leaving town. She knows the rules and they do knowher and I communicate. It was their choice not too to go the gym and sneak over there. ever since I read the messag they have been here every nite as some of the messages refered to things they were doing in her room with GM home she has a rule about the door wing all,the way open but they lay in the dark watching TV and GM says she gets mad if she is asked to open it more than a few inches . So after finding this out imoulled the plug and made my house super inviting they are with us 90percent of the ti I have been nothing but nice to this girl even taking her school,shopping and spending 400 dollars on clothes and she is included in everything we do. It just bothers me that she basically bully's him for sex .

Ariana - posted on 01/13/2013

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I think it is a mistake for you to set your son up like that. You knew he was going over to her house when the grandmother wasn't there and you let him go and lie to you and then get in trouble. Wouldn't it be better for you and the grandmother to just be open about the fact that you two WILL be talking to one another to say if/when the other is going out.

That way both of them know if they try to sneak around you and the grandmother will be talking to each other. The GM will tell you when she's planning on leaving the 17 year old alone, and you'll tell her if you ever leave the 16 yr old alone etc. That way they'll be less likely to try and make plans because they'll think, wait, what if GM already told my mom she was going out? Or you could just be like, I know her GM's going out etc.

You kind of set him up there and you knew what he was doing and that wasn't the right thing to do. The whole thing would have been prevented if you'd just said you realize she's going out.

Your son is 16, you can't stop him from being in a relationship, and you already know he's stopping himself from sleeping with her. You should try to maintain an open conversation about sex (pregnancy, std's, the emotional aspect of it) and try to be nice to his gf and like her. I know you've put boundaries on the relationship which is really great but don't set him up for failure. Kids try to be sneaky and if they think they can get around your rules they disagree with they probably will. Try to keep communicating about the reasons you feel he should keep from having sex and why you want him not to be alone with her at her GM's house (it's hard to say no and everything else).

Don't bash his gf and try to be nice to her and invite her over if possible, I don't know for sure but you may already be doing that, but if not talking badly about her or trying to get your son to break up with her will just make him want to be with her more. Maybe having her over and getting to know her a bit better where you can have a closer relationship with her would help? Invite her and him out to do things with you. If you end up getting closer to her you might be able to bring up the subject of sex and why it's better to abstain for a while and the risks, and ask her about her future etc, without it seeming like you're hounding or questioning her.

If you keep the rules you have now (and don't set your son up for failure with these) and try to be positive about the relationship it should be alright. Hopefully if they ever do have sex you can stress the importance of wearing a condom and the risk of pregnancy etc.

Good luck!

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