18 year old daughter madder than a hornet.

Melanie - posted on 07/28/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a head strong, super independent 18 year old that now feels she doesn't have to listen to any of my requests, including that of help around the house and with the animals. We live on an acre and have 10 animals total. I have been a single mom since she was 12. I have always had a good relationship with her, as long as it is all about her. She works, goes to school, and makes pretty good choices but treats me with no respect. I have not asked much of her around the house as she kept up good grades has been working for over a year and a half. now I am on disability and would like more help around the house, I have worked for years as a manager working 50 plus hours and maintaining the house on a bad knee, I need more help. She is fine as long as I am home and do not have a man in my life. I am not perfect and was involved with a man who drank too much. I did not want to loose my daughter or expose her to this kind of chaos so I had him move out a year and half ago. The one time I dated someone she was barely civil. She has talked about moving for months and is going to see her boyfriend out of state, and talks about moving. I have been totally supportive and expect if it wasn't for financial reasons she would have already moved out. i have valued my relationship with her and have always put her first above my own needs as most mothers do. But now the ex boyfriend is back, he has been sober for a year. He loves me dearly and is helping me around the house and financially as well. He stays out of her way as he has tried in the past to connect with her, but he understands she has a father so he is there if she needs him. I know I am taking a gamble, and he has been doing so well, I am one who believes in giving people 2nd chances, but I do not want to loose my daughter, I have felt it is only a matter of time before she leaves, and I am left alone with all the animals and a place I cannot afford. Before I even approached the issue I was asking her for help and she just blew me off. Last night she spilled water on the kitchen floor, when I asked her to wipe it up so I didn't fall she just got pissed off, today she wouldn't commit to helping around the house. When I asked her about helping it's about she doesn't want to discuss it. I always viewed it if she went to school and helped a bit around the house that was fine, now I get nothing. So when I explained bf was going to move back in to help me and he is helping pay the bills she just kept dropping f bombs on me, I couldn't even get mad, all I could do was tell her she had no right to talk to me that way, she said I gave up that right when I brought bf back, I tried explaining he is different, and I originally had no intention of him coming back, since I didn't think he would change. Even when I dated she was barely civil to anyone I met. Her take is because he is back since she is still here she feels I am not respecting her wishes.But I need help right now I do not want to burden her, its like pulling teeth as it is. I have explained to her I don't want her to move out, but I need help and if she is not willing to help at all and talk to me that way,it is not acceptable. any input please, I did not have a good relationship with my mother I have always strived to keep one with my daughter but I feel I have raised her to be very selfish.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/28/2016

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You said it. You raised her this way.

Put your foot down. Tell her it's time to go, and you get yourself into a place you can afford, rather than continuing to live beyond your means

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His - posted on 07/29/2016

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My heart goes out to you. You did your best as you raised her. It's water under the bridge. No sense playing the blame game as to why she is the way she is. You should get a plan for yourself on paper for the future and start making it happen. The start of it may be to find good homes for some of the pets. This will lighten your load. Your plan for yourself will be the best thing that has happened to your DD because it will give her the nudge she needs to move forward. She should also have guidelines to follow and goals to strive for if she plans to stay with you. Boundaries are so important. Decide what you need her to do and don't let her intimidate you in any way. Don't fall for guilting or any tactic she may use. Consider getting a third party involved for accountability like a Pastor or a really wise counselor. I think it's wonderful that your boyfriend is stable now and is more committed to you. You need someone who is really committed. In fact, you deserve it. Real commitment means marriage. I hope there is some talk of that. I wish you the very best. I am including a number that has helped me. It's a Focus on the Family number. You can arrange to speak to a licensed counselor. 1-855-771-4357 Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time.

Michelle - posted on 07/28/2016

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I agree with the others.
Since she is an adult you should draw up a rental contract with her. Outline the responsibilities you expect from her and even charge her rent.
I also agree that maybe you should look at moving into a more manageable place. She will leave home soon and if you can't manage the land and animals on your own then you need to down size. Don't rely on a man to help you financially with your house.

Jodi - posted on 07/28/2016

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She is 18. She has been talking about moving. Eventually, YOU are going to be left with all of these things on your own and a life you can't support. I'm not saying that your daughter shouldn't be helping around the house - as a member of the household, she can either help with chores, pay board and treat you and your guests respectfully, or she can leave. You need to lay it out for her. But I do agree that you need to cut your lifestyle down so you can afford to sustain it on your own. You shouldn't be relying on your daughter or a boyfriend to be doing that for you.

SC - posted on 07/28/2016

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Melanie,
I want to be helpful so I hope you will be able to think about what I am saying and not get offended and not hear me. It sounds like you are living a life that you cannot support, too much land, too many animals etc if you need this guy to help you. If it were just you making the decision (chance) to take him back that would be fine but you are bringing him into your daughters life and that is not working. You have a man living with you that you are not married to so that he can take care of you..... is that a good example for her, I would imagine this has a great deal to do with why she does not respect you? She is an adult right? Is she paying rent? Is she financially responsible for her own life (car, phone, insurance etc)? If so then maybe it is time for her to pay rent somewhere else and see what her home life would be like if she never cleaned up after herself. If not, maybe it is time she was. I do not think she is going to change unless you do. You say that the way she talks to you is not acceptable, what would you do if you stopped accepting it. You do have power, you are providing a roof over her head right (if not also paying for all that stuff mentioned earlier). Use your power, figure out what you can take away and take it. If she is not willing to help you and act respectful ( you cannot make her respect you but you can expect her to act respectfully) then you need to MAKE her move out.

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