18 year old daughter refuses to speak to abandoned dad

Francine - posted on 05/10/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My husband abandoned family 4 years ago. No contact with children during that time. Situation has changed and he made contact with mom but 18 year old daughter refuses to forgive him and will not speak to him. 26 year old son and mom have a relationship with dad. How to I get my family back if my daughter refuses to speak to dad.

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Kyuubi - posted on 05/17/2016

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I know we are told to forgive, however your daughter can't be forced to. She has a right to do so, you are asking her to reopen her heart to the very man who broke it, with no justable cause. Your daughter will always wonder, and think that when and where will he repeat his actions again, that a simple run to the store would be the setting for abandonment again.never truly knowing if he will even comeback. Thus your husband has lost any
right as a parent to her. Your daughter shouldn't be forced, or expected to to do so. Becaus without works gods miricals cannot be received .So he is going to have to work to earn her forgiveness, not automatically expect it.

Shalicia - posted on 05/10/2016

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I remember when I was younger, my dad would always tell my other older siblings that they don't have another sibling and that I wasn't none of their business what so ever. Till this day I still haven't heard from my dad at all.

Sarah - posted on 05/10/2016

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I disagree. This is where lessons in forgiveness come into play. I aspire to be as forgiving as Christ is to me for my transgressions. Now, adultery I would not remain with my spouse, but I'd forgive him and never badmouth him to the kids. Set the example, encourage her to forgive. To hold a grudge is holding her back. It is a burden she can so easily let go.

Kyuubi - posted on 05/10/2016

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I really can only say "Karma" is a cruel mistress. Your husband didnt apparently care enough about his children, so why should the daughter have a relationship with him? This is simply karma playing itself out. He didnt care , and his daughter obviously loved her dad , up until this point. So now dad is the one seeking the daughter he threw away, So now his deeds are simply reaping what hes sown.

Kyuubi - posted on 05/10/2016

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Hi Francie . I was just wonder about the first sentence. I couldn't tell if you were implying that his family was the one to abandon him, or if he was the one who abandoned his family?

Michelle - posted on 05/10/2016

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I don't blame her for not wanting contact with him.
She doesn't want to get close only for him to up and leave again. She's protecting herself.
I personally couldn't get back with someone who abandoned me for 4 years so I would do the same as your daughter.
She's 18 and an adult, if you want to get back with him then that's your choice, you don't need her permission, just like she doesn't have to accept that you two are back together. If you do stay with him be prepared for her to distance herself from you as well.

Ev - posted on 05/10/2016

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I have to agree with the others about this. You can not force her to be around him or to talk to him. He left her and did nothing to amend it until now. My kids are not on good terms with their dad either because of his treatment of them after our divorce and his last two marriages and the step moms he gave them. My son is opposite of your daughter though, he wants to tell his dad everything he felt growing up and why he felt the way he did during that time more to get it off his chest than anything.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/10/2016

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She's got every right NOT to speak to a man that she feels doesn't care for her to begin with.

Dove - posted on 05/10/2016

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He damaged her and it could take years (if at all) for her to get to a point of being willing and able to forgive. Personally speaking I wouldn't take anyone back that could abandon their child for 4 years, but that's your choice to do or not. I hope she's in some serious counseling.

All of you should be in counseling (separate unless she is willing to do together) over this situation.

Francine - posted on 05/10/2016

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I agree and I am not pressuring her. My husband and I are now talking and so is my son and it would be great, if sometime in the future, we could be a family again. My husband and I want this but we cannot do anything until my daughter also wants to be included. I know she is extremely hurt and as a result of his leaving (even though she said she did not care, I knew she did) she developed depression, social anxiety and agoraphobia. All of that lead to stomach problem such as ulcers, inflation and IBS. Her stomach is doing much better and so is her depression. We just need to do some work on the social anxiety. I am not even sure how he can take baby steps with her.

Dove - posted on 05/10/2016

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She has every right not to speak to the man that abandoned her. She is an adult now and who she does or does not have a relationship with is 100% up to her and you have to let her make that choice on her own. HE can keep trying (w/out pressuring... just occasional contact if she will start to allow it), but you have to let her decide on her own how she will handle this unless she asks for your input.

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