18 year old disrespectful to family!

Maryann - posted on 12/31/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My 18 yr old son has been disrespectful to all in family and states he is not happy at home and plans to move out! We pay for his truck and insurance and cell phone and he only likes to come home when he needs clean clothes, shower or money. He says I'm always in his business and my reply was that he's made poor choices in the past and I worry for his safety! Any advice?

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India - posted on 01/01/2014

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Hi Maryann

I understand that it may be hard to let our children grow up...and sometimes we moms feel that if we take care of their adult responsibilities it takes the pressure off and minimizes their struggle inbetween that teen to adult transition...but it's that very struggle that's needed to be experienced...Our children need to work for everything they need ...cause when spending their own hard earned money they would realize they can get by with what's needed than what's actually wanted ...that also helps them to cherish what they have when they get it...a hard head has to go thru the bad sometimes to appreciate the good

Michelle - posted on 01/01/2014

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Stop paying for all of his expenses. Don't do his washing or give him money. He's an adult so treat him like one, make him do everything for himself.

Chris - posted on 12/31/2013

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It’s really hard to watch your baby acting like a total ass, but I really think having the door hit him in the butt might do him some good. I would talk to your ex make sure you are both going to take the hard stance and give your son a two week ultimatum and follow through with it. He sounds like he has no idea of reality just in the fact Mom and Dad are paying for about everything and his pay check is his play money. I say welcome to adulthood, it sucks sometimes. Let him do without like the rest of the world, I know there were plenty of times I did without so my children wouldn’t have to. He’s an adult let him figure out the responsibilities that come with adult hood. Trust me it wasn’t easy for me to throw mine out but it was a good dose of reality for him.

Maryann - posted on 12/31/2013

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Jodi Thank you for responding, I'm new to this. I am very Upset by his behaviors and knowing he's made bad choices one month before his 18th birthday! I really miss the son he was and his 17 year old sister even notices his behaviors as disrespectful. He said he was going to move out so I'm just going to make the best decisions I can. He knew prior to his 18th bday that as long as he was under our roof there would still be rules and expectations and that he may not like it but that's the way it is. As a parent I want to protect him but also warn him that this big cruel world isn't always what it seems to be, so I will just need to let him learn on his own. Tx Maryann

Chris - posted on 12/31/2013

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I threw my then 19 year old out because he thought it was ok to go out all night and sleep all day while his father and I worked to pay bills. I gave him 2 weeks to go to school or work he did neither. I threw him out. After about a month he came home begging to move back in. His apt he was renting didn’t come with utilities, cable, dinner cooked , snack food and clothes washing and he figured out how good he had it at home. I say if he thinks he is all grown show him the door minus the bills you pay for him. If the truck is in your name take it away from him unless he comes up with the payment. If it is in his let him know the payments and insurance are his responsibility

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Maryann- I'd also like to add that I felt MUCH GUILT not just giving my kid everything. I could have paid for more, but I really needed her to learn these things. She did not know this of course, but I really felt so much guilt, but we have to push past these feelings. It is not easy.

[deleted account]

Yes Chris- My daughter and I see many people on Welfare (gov't assistance) and their infants are wearing all new TOP of the line clothing brands, very expensive stuff, sometimes the parents are stoned or drunk pushing the baby strollers. They too are out-fitted in the very best expensive stuff that we cannot afford. ($200.00 running shoes, etc.) We sometimes feel resentful. It is BEYOND me where they get the money from, as my taxes are supporting them and sometimes we go without.

Chris - posted on 12/31/2013

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Sandy I agree. I am a very low income grandmother raising my grandkids. There are times I have to stop myself from buying them things out of guilt of them having to do without a lot of things their friends had. Then I took a good look and saw their friends parents were in hawk to their eyes to keep their 10 year olds in new Ipods! I know I am "older than dirt" but both me and my children managed to grow up with out cell phones and the latest gaming system

Maryann I hope you are able to get your ex on the same page and force your son to start acting responsible. Either by throwing him out or forcing him (who is now and adult) to pay his way.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2013

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Sandy, that is an interesting perspective. I see that exact same thing all the time. My son works - he has had a part-time job since he was 15. He will be buying his own car this year (although we will pitch in a small payment towards the purchase). He pays for his own phone and phone credit. I give him a clothes allowance for the necessities, if he wants more than that, or wants to buy expensive brands, he can pay for them.

I am a high school teacher in an area with a lot of public housing and low income families. Amazingly, these kids always have the latest technology, all fully paid by their parents....and yet their parents can't seem to afford the school uniform, or the cost of educational excursions, or won't allow their children to attend our FREE after school tutoring because it is too difficult to come back to pick them up, or haven't sent them to school with lunch because they can't afford it....... I am often quite amazed at this mentality, as to me, they are parenting with the wrong priorities.

Sandy - posted on 12/31/2013

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Also he REALLY needs a break from being at home and having everything done, even is he says he HATES YOUR GUTS. Things must change for YOU. You NEED and DESERVE respect. It's all up to you, not him. You can create the change. He will not have an epiphany on his own. Make him stay somewhere else for 2 weeks or something, or ask him to leave. I've done this. My kid comes home with more respect. If the respect starts to slip away over a period of time- usually a year- she must stay somewhere else again. Then she realizes what a good mom and life she has. It sounds like you're a good mom. Tough love mom! I know it's hard!

Sandy - posted on 12/31/2013

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I need to tell you something without me sounding like a bi_ch.
I have an 18 year old who just moved out, not on good terms, sadly.
I am VERY low income. She has gone to school with kids from very rich families. Doctors, lawyers, business owners. VERY rich compared to us.
(Now don't think I'm a b_tch here...) I do not know of anyone- rich or poor- that pays for their teenagers cell phone, gas, etc.
I may be wrong but it sounds like he does not have a job. If he does have a job he should be paying for these things. If he can't 'afford' it somehow, the financial priorities need to be re-examined.
Even the richest people we know - their kids and mine- have had jobs since they were 15 years old. In fact it seems like the richer the parents, the parents are more often teaching their children to work, to pay for things, to take responsibility, etc. Their kids are so respectful. (Mine is not quite at that level of respect yet!)
Try not to take this personally- it doesn't sound like he's learned responsibilty. I may be wrong.
I used to be sucked into doing and paying for everything until I met all these rich parents that did NOT do these things, did NOT pay for these things. Their children were very respectful, grateful for the things they themselves worked for and paid for, they were very responsible. It put my parenting to shame until I jumped on board and got my daughter a job and McDonalds. She was very proud of herself for working. (She still does work.) She very much values the things that SHE purchases.
You'd think that the rich kids would be spoiled rotten. The whole thing was the opposite. I was spoiling on my low income and the rich people were 'responsibly' parenting. I was not.
You shouldn't continue allowing yourself to be disrespected in your OWN HOME, AND you cannot continue to pay for everything. You are doing him a dis-service.
I am questioning my own parenting, as my daughter just moved out and I am having a terrible time letting go.
******I watched a video last night about parenting 18 year olds and if we coddle them, we are creating INVALIDS. Wow- did that shake me up. I realized if I continued tolerating disrespect from her- I was doing HER a great dis-service. I was preventing her from maturing. I was stunting her growth.
Hope this made some sense. It's very tough parenting a teenager. I am often looking for advice as well.

Maryann - posted on 12/31/2013

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Chris thank you, yes same situation, out all night and sleeps til 3 in afternoon and goes to work at 4 p.m. And all over again! All I ask was to let me know common courtesy if coming home and to answer cell phone when I call or text to ask him. He says I'm all up in his business and he can't take it anymore and I say I can't take much more of sleepless nights and worry about his safe being! Truck in his stepfather name and insurance paid $100 a month for past two years, cell paid by my husband and I also! He's disrespectful to his 21 year old brother who has aspherger syndrome and will probably always live at home! This is not the Son I raised. :-(

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2013

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Well, you can stop paying for his truck and cell phone, but I'd let him move out - if he can't follow the rules in your house, then isn't that the solution? He is 18.....technically he is an adult. I wouldn't be giving him money.

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