18 yr. old who is not mature and responsible to be on her own.

Cathy - posted on 09/20/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My 18 yr. old daughter snuck out last night and got caught upon returning home this morning. This summer has been really a hard one and I don't know what to do anymore--haven't from the start. My husband(her father) has kicked her out--she walked to my mothers. He kicked her out because she refuses to talk to us but we are supposed to overlook her behavior because "im 18" HELP!!

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Sharon - posted on 09/20/2009

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If she's 18, then when she shows up pregnant with out a husband to help support her - tell her "you're 18 figure it out."



At 18 and living in your home, ... your home... your rules. If you're making come home at 9pm maybe you need to rewrite your rules.



But more than likely there is a new person in her life who is encouraging her to these new extremes.



Possibly drugs or drinking. Tell your mom to not support such deviant behaviour.



I'm sick to death of teens coming home pregnant "oh mom what do I do?" You did this figure it out yourself. I told you I knew better. Society and the laws says I know better but you thought you knew better and fucked up your life. Now deal with it.

Jodi - posted on 09/21/2009

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Here's how I would handle it (I have a 17 year old step daughter). You need to sit down with her and discuss it. You can giver her the options - lay down what your house rules are and expect her to commit to them, or explain to her that if she wants to live any way she likes, then she needs to do it under her own roof. Make it very clear that you can't continue supporting her at school and driving her around places, paying her medical, etc, if she can't have the respect to abide by your rules.



However, I would also suggest that you go a little easier on her curfews. To be honest, she is an adult. I was also living on my own at that age. If she wishes to stay out at night, then that really is her choice. HOWEVER, she needs to give you the courtesy of letting you know that she won't be home, and even let you know when she will be home.

Erin - posted on 09/20/2009

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I think you need to make it clear to her that while you love her and want her to remain a member of your household, she needs to respect your house rules. Obviously, you and your husband need to decide what the rules are and clearly communicate them to your daughter. The choice is hers, stay and be respectful of your household, or find another place to live. don't make it sound like a threat. She is an adult and she is old enough to choose.

Stina - posted on 09/20/2009

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Nothing grows a person up faster than having to be on their own get a job, pay rent etc. All you can really do at 18 is be there to help her... but not necessarily financially. Encourage good things she may be doing in her life and be a place she can return to if she falls on her ***



Hopefully, the whole family can be on the same page including your mother.



Let her know that if she wants help and support, she needs to communicate with you, but if she isn't going to communicate, then she's gonna have to figure a lot of things out for herself.

Magen - posted on 09/20/2009

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She is 18 she is grown, unfortunately sometimes we have to sink or swim. She has to know if she wants to live in your house she has to follow your rules and if she wants to do whatever she wants then its time to get a job find a place and take care of herself. I understand that you want to protect her from her mistakes but experience is the best teacher and it sounds like she thinks she knows whats best for her. I would say that her living at her gradmothers is a bad idea, she should get her own place. Good luck and be strong.

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H - posted on 06/24/2016

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I feel for you. I'm going through a similar experience with my 19 year old Daughter. She lives on her own, but we're paying for everything. She refuses to get a job, she's failing College because she doesn't go. She demands more money, even if we don't have it. She is rude and disrespectful to us. She basically plays video games all night and sleeps all day, then expects us to pay for all her needs and wants. It has been 10 months of hell dealing with her. It has caused a huge strain on my marriage, and stress for my two smaller daughters. The advice we are getting now, from professionals and from other parents...Take a firm stand. Set boundries and stick to them. She may get mad, but it is for her own good. I know it is hard, and I know it is heartbreaking watching your little girl shut you out. I honestly feel your pain, but we're trying a new approach with our Daughter. I don't know if it will work or not, but it has to be better than what we've been doing. I wish you the best of luck with your Daughter.

Charlie - posted on 09/21/2009

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18 here in Australia is an adult , i was renting my own home at 18 , i may not have been responsible at the time either but moving out made me grow up pretty quickly !!
Life's not easy when your on your own .

Talea - posted on 09/20/2009

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I just saw your reply with her issues. I understand it's hard but if she's not mature enough to drive then it sounds truly like she needs a lesson with real life. If she has back problems and has to see a doctor tell her if you need to understand that she's 18 and "grown" then she needs to understand that when her appointments come up it's no longer your problem, school also not your problem, any transportation or financial support again not your problem. If she's "18" and you need to understand that, then make sure she understands just what "grown" is. I have been on the kids end of this, it was aweful I hated my parents for it, but you know what I'm 34 now, I have a great relationship with my mother, I have soon to be 4 children, and I am a STRONG woman. I have gone through homelessness, divorce, miscarriages, and the school of hard knocks to the point where I'm not really afraid of life anymore. I know no matter what happens I'll be ok, maybe not great, but OK. I learned to rely on God when I got pregnant at 17 (date rape), and have had a very intreasting life. Never boring I always say! lol I am now a Webelos II leader for my son's pack, am active in my parish, and love being a sahm. I worked to earn the house we now live in, and that my husband took payments over for when we expected our middle son. We have gone through so much, but who hasn't? That's life. I know my husband and I had to hit rock bottom a few times in our lives before seeing our way up. She will get there, but you have to be strong enough to let her fall. My mother was there to encourage me, not coddle me, but to give advise and be a source of strength. (my father was abusive and finally left our lives for good no huge loss there) Just keep praying for her, love her always love her, tell her, but do not let her suck you in to the point you want to do it for her. A friend of mine is 35 and her father is paying all her bills, helping her move again because she lost her job again, her kids were taken away do to abuse and molestation and yet they still take care of her. It wasn't until her mother began raising her children that she began to see what I had been saying all those years about just letting her fall. Oh and she was GOOD at using the "but the baby" card. The fact she chose her husband over her children made her mom finally see. She is an EXTREME case I know, but she has never in her life had to do for herself without having a bailout and she knows it even now. (((((hugs)))) I made it, but my parents played hardball and forced me to grow up. My friend is still without a job, her husband is in jail, and her kids have been removed and she has a gas card her dad pays for, car payments he makes, and food he buys. I won't say we don't need help financialy from time to time, we do, but we bust our butts FIRST to make ends meet but we either work off or pay off any help we recieve from relatives, and when we first married we needed a lot of help as I was pregnant and he lost his job. We made it and now we often help others when and where we can. Just hang in there.

Cathy - posted on 09/20/2009

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Thank you so very much for taking the time to write. I appreciate it and the prayers. She is my oldest of four and when you don't have all of them nearby you don't feel whole. There are a lot of circumstance here....She is still in school, not driving(scares us too much), and has back pain and goes to the chiropractor frquently. I know I need to be strong and support my husband but its really hard, againthanks for the prayers.

Talea - posted on 09/20/2009

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I was kicked out, and it did me a world of good. I think you and your husband need to point blank not take her garbage. It is your home and she is of age. I was 18-19 when I was kicked out. I went to a shelter in a nearby town, got a job, and grew up. You will have to talk to your mother and make sure she is capable of telling her granddaughter she is not welcome. I do know when my 17 year old hit me a year or so ago I had him arrested. You can't play or they walk all over you. I explained I love him, but his behavior was NOT going to fly. I wish I could do or say something to make it easier.

Ginger - posted on 09/20/2009

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Cathy she is 18 you as a mother have taught her what is right and wrong. Now she has to make her on choices she may fall on her face but as long as she is not out doing something that would hurt herself or someone else let her do it. Let her know you Love her and care about her that is very important.And that you are there to talk if she needs you. Trust me I know Im only 22 I have been in her place not long ago.But now I am married and have a 7mth old just let her fall. She will get back up. Good luck I will pray for you and your family.

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