19 year old daughter moved in with her boyfriends family

Sandy - posted on 09/05/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )




My daughter got into a relationship with a boy she had dated for three weeks in high school. They had broken up because he said she was too clingy. In the last year she got back into the relationship with him. I started seeing that the relationship didn't seem healthy, so I approached his mom and said that I felt their relationship was very obsessive. I told her my daughter doesn't want to do anything with anyone in our family only him and his family. My daughter started trying to make excuses to spend the night there and I told her I didn't want that because she lives under my roof, so she sleeps under my roof. She did spend several nights there and we would have arguments about it when she finally decided to come home. This boy would never come in my house to pick up my daughter. He would pull up to the sidewalk and wait in the car for her to get in and then leave. I mentioned to my daughter we would like to get to know him but he will never come in. She would never share any good things about him or bad things about him. It just seemed she was obsessed with him and wanted him all to herself. I took her to get on birth control pills (which tore me up) but I knew she was in a sexual relationship so I wanted her to protect herself. It seemed to push our relationship further away, I had thought the opposite would happen. She kept doing less and less with our family and less and less conversation. I invited him to xmas, easter, dinners. He would not show up. She didn't even want to eat dinner with our family. She would always sit and wait for him to get off work and then eat with him and his family. She was attending college full time, but after their relationship started to get more intense, she only would go at night with him to a class and one day class. Now she does 2 classes online only. I have got into confrontations with her boyfriend as to how weird I feel their relationship is. He just cusses me out and I say some nasty things to him, meanwhile my daughter just stands there with her head down not saying anything. My husband and son have had words with him about how our daughter needs us in her life too. He just screams at us calls us worthless parents and threatens to call the police on us because we came to his house to get our daughter. He says she doesn't have to listen to anything we say because she is eighteen. He is a very hot headed teenager at 18 thinks he knows about being a parent and knows best for our daughter. He said if we try to get rid of him we will only lose. I tell him we are not trying to get rid of him but I find it very weird that they feel they only need each other and no one else. They are not as INDEPENDENT as they think. They live in HIS parent's basement. She does have a license but now she doesn't live with us, she has no car and is totally dependent on him to get anywhere she needs to be. However, she does text us occasionally, we try not to talk about him. Her sister is so broken hearted she lost her sister. They use to be really close. Her brother recently deployed to Afghanistan and she wouldn't even show up to say good-bye to him.


Michelle - posted on 09/05/2013




She's 19 and has to learn her own life lessons. All you can do is make sure you are there for her when it falls apart.


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Kristin - posted on 01/09/2016




I'd swear we were living the same life. Our daughter stating dating a guy at 16 and she didn't meet his parents until she turned 18 and the following September she moved into their family home. He never has been here for dinner and he has never cussed me out in person. She comes here by herself and does fine but as soon as she's back over there her attitude changes for the negative toward us. People keep telling me she'll be back, but now I found out her license was renewed with his address, and she's coming over tomorrow to get more stuff. It breaks my heart.

Cathy - posted on 06/19/2014




That's how it is when they turn 18 act like they know it all.She acts like she doesn't need you right now but when the time comes that they break up she will need you for a place to stay.She will eventually see what she is doing to you .She will come around it's just that stage she is in right now but things will get better.Good luck

Ev - posted on 06/15/2014




My sis is in the same boat as you are. A year ago her daughter moved in with an unknown guy. She eventually got pregnant. SHe now has a son and lives there. My sister has not learned to let go and she constantly goes over driving out of her way every single week to take her daughter to lunch and so on. Her daughter still thinks the world revolves around her. Her BF works but we do not know how long that will last. Neither have driver's lisences, live off his family, and share a house with a lot of people. My niece has her mother driving her everywhere. But my sis does not see that she needs to let go and let her daughter learn things for herself.

Sandy - posted on 09/05/2013




I have told her if she ever needs anything I am always here for her to come home, but she doesn't really say anything when I tell her my feelings. But thankyou for your advice

Kim - posted on 09/05/2013




Unfortunately, teenage women often do this sort of thing. There isn't anything you can do but support her and wait for her to come around again. They usually have to learn for themselves. :(

Confronting him also puts her at odds with you, no matter how true you are being and if you have her best interests at heart. I would back down and refrain from talking about their relationship, and let her know you will always be there for her, no matter who she is with. Sorry I don't have better advice, I would like to say drag her hiney home and hog tie her until she comes to her senses, but they seem to frown on that these days.

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