19 year old does not come back home after losing control and becoming physically aggressive towards both parents and brother

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Kristi - posted on 03/06/2013

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It is hard not to get sucked in when everything seems to be happening so fast and your fight or flight instinct kicks in. That's why you have to recognize the warning signs and know her triggers so you can prevent or deescalate the situation before it gets out of hand.

It takes 2 to tango or in your case 4. Before she's completely lost it, gently ask her if she'd like to go for a walk or if she'd like to go listen to some music, something to remove her from the situation. If you can't get her to leave (nicely) then remove yourselves.

In the meantime, you do need to get family counseling. There is something going on with your daughter to cause her to act out and you need to learn better ways to resolve conflicts than with violence, as Dove said.

Dove - posted on 03/06/2013

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I do not think that most families handle their conflicts with violence. I know none of the families I know in person behave that way. Little kids who don't know better and/or haven't learned to control their aggression yet? Sure... but you are talking about a family entirely of adults. I hope you all get the help you need to break this pattern of assault.

Cynthia - posted on 03/06/2013

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Thank you Kristi.
Out of control means not being able to contain her anger, not finding words to express frustration and striking out with her arms and scratching her brother then struggling with father then going for my neck...... actually to be honest we all lost control. Anger seems to trigger people and unless we are really prepared it is too easy to fall into the trap. It was helpful to have this site to go to for support in the sense of verifying that this happens in other families as well.

Yes it is repetitive in a way....looking back I could see it coming...but it had not happened in this florid way...she got in an argument with her twin brother they went at each other, my husband got in to separate, his arm was recently operated to remove a tumor, I got in to separate them and it just turned into a mess.

About an hour later she left and I went to the door as I often do to say goodbye...I expected an apology...oh well...got the opposite....very painful and I am worried about her...I can see the patterns and there is a lot of work to be done...by all of us...
Thank you!

Kristi - posted on 03/06/2013

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What kind of information/advice are you looking for? I don't know exactly what "out of control" constitutes in your life and if "physically aggressive" means getting in your face or pushing or hitting, etc.

I think, in general, when people hear those terms in this context, domestic violence might come to their minds. When this person loses control and then leaves, it's probably for the best. The possibilty of the violence escalating increases the longer that person is there.

I'm not quite sure by your post, but it indicates to me that this is repetitive behavior. I would not let this person back in the house until he/she received help for anger management and hopefully whatever may be causing the anger. If not for your safety, at least for your son's.

I'm sorry, that's the best I can offer without understanding more about your situation and the type of help you are looking for.

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