19 year old son.....help....blinded by ex-husbands (his father's) desires

Leah - posted on 08/28/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi all! I have 4 kids, 2 of which live at home with us, me and my husband of 12 years. My 3 oldest are with my ex and my youngest is with my husband now. Unfortunately, my ex-husband made it his mission when we divorced to make my life miserable (actually told me that) and has done a very hard job to live up to that. He has always talked badly about me and their stepfather (who has raised them) openly in front of the kids and has always tried his very best to get them to move down in with him and his girlfriend in a different town. Almost a year ago, he succeeded with my 13 year old daughter - they conspired behind our backs through text messages for her to secretly move in with him, he came up , took her from school and has alienated her so severely from us in the past 8 months, he won't even let us visit with her and she refuses because she says she needs to take care of her father who was recently diagnosed with very mild parkinsons. It is a very difficult hard situation and I miss her terribly but she won't even talk to us and we were sooooo close. All of my family, ie: grandparents have been alienated and in fact, her grandpa who she was close with died and her father wouldn't let her visit him before he died..........then he died......(my Dad). Now, my ex is working on my 19 year old son........he just recently moved out with his girlfriend who is super sweet and has great dreams and aspirations for the future and we all thought my son did too......he did a year at college to become a heavy duty mechanic and was going to be applying for apprenticeship jobs to get his trade started. the past couple months my son has apparently been going down to see his father every day off, not applying for any jobs and his attitude and demeanour towards everyone has changed. Apparently in a recent outing with him, according to my son's girlfriend, my ex brought up at least three times that Nevin needs to come work at the dairy where his father works and has been putting tremendous pressure on our son to not follow his dreams, but to come work at the same place as his father and live in the same town. This would not be good for my sons future as this dairy has changed hands 3 times in the past 10 years, and would not be a career for him, just a job working on a loading dock with nothing to fall back on.....no career, nothing. But my ex is so singularly focused on his big "win" to apparently steal the kids all away from me that he doesn't even care about the kids well-being or their future.....it scares me to death. My 17 year old daughter has actually blocked him on her cell phone because he harasses her relentlessly.........poor kid. We are meeting with my son and his girlfriend tomorrow evening to have a mini intervention and to help his girlfriend out as well because she is equally worried about him and his and their future.....says since he has started going to see his dad all the time, he has changed, and not for the better. Help, advice, please????? What do we say to him to help him see what is happening here...........

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Ev - posted on 08/28/2013

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As for your younger children, if you have the custody of them all, then you could take it back to court and get it taken care of. Unless your daughter tells the judge she wants to live with dad, the judge will let her.

As for you 19 year old son......You can talk to him but its his choice. He is an adult and if he thinks his dad is the one telling him the best advice then so be it. Let him fail and learn from his mistakes or not. One meeting is fine, but do not make it a habit all the time or you will alienate him from yourself for nagging him. Just be calm and explain to him what you see his future being if he follows the path you have stated here. Tell him you are worried and want the best for him, BUT YOU UNDERSTAND IT IS HIS CHOICE. There is not much other than that you can do. Just keep praying or whatever and love him. Kids the same age of your son see things they want to see and they think they have all the answers to the way the world works. It takes time for them to realize that maybe their parents were right about things.

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Leah - posted on 08/28/2013

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Thanks Evelyn, that is good advice. That is exactly how we plan to talk to him, calmly. We have given him tonnes of space since he moved out, trying to let him make his own way....but he is seriously floundering.......he is just that kind of kid, needs guidance occasionally, but this is something that concerns his future and unfortunately he doesn't "see" that his father is putting tremendous pressure and using guilt on him.....his father told the kids when he was diagnosed with parkinsons, he has a small shake in his hand at this point, that within a year he wouldn't be able to walk anymore.....and within 5 days, my ex snuck my daughter away..........I could go to court and crucify him..........he went against a custody order but he has my daughter so alienated now......it would be a waste of money and cause more grief I'm sure.....as for my son, all we can do is talk to him and hope that he sees that not only is he about to lose his girlfriend, but he could lose a lot in his future as well.....we only want what is best for him and I hope he can remember ultimately what he wanted to begin with!!

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