19yrs Olds

Kristi - posted on 05/11/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My Daughter has 2 moms me the "step-mom" has raised her since the age of 4. My Ex- Baby momma has been around but has her own life. 7 years ago our world came crashing down when her mom cheated. Needless to say we are no longer together. Now daughter is a sophomore in college and mom decides to be involved. Our daughter is a star athlete i have only missed a handful of games in two seasons mom has only attended a handful of games. When mom comes to the games or is around i get kicked to the curb and treated like the step-mom which is very hurtful i have spoke to our daughter about this yet nothing changes. When our dialog consists of text i seem to hurt her feelings when ever i bring anything up. Its a no win situation for me. All of this is compounded by the fact our daughter was in a 2 1/2 year relationship and cheated which infuriates me to no end. I RAISED HER BETTER. Top to it all off the person she cheated with hit her at a party they were both drunk and mom seems to be ok with all of this. WHAT TO DO.

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Dove - posted on 05/12/2015

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OK, but you asked for advice on what to do... and letting it go is the only thing you CAN do. It sounds like the situation sucks and your feelings about it are totally understandable... but you are talking about issues w/ two other people that happen to be adults and while you would LIKE to be able to control their decisions to ones that you find acceptable... you can't do that. The only person on the entire planet that you have the ability to control is yourself... so you do that. You make choices about your behavior and your actions and how you relate to (or choose not to relate to) the other people involved. If you don't want to deal w/ biomom... don't. If not dealing w/ biomom means you lose a relationship w/ the daughter... well, you have to decide which is more important to you and act accordingly. If you can not condone cheating and lying... don't condone it no matter who does it. You can still love and have a relationship w/ the daughter w/out condoning her behavior, but if that is too much for you to handle then I think you have your answer on that as well.

Dove - posted on 05/12/2015

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You just need to get over it and let the anger go. If it has been 7 years and you just can't... I would seriously recommend you get some counseling before this completely destroys your life. You can not change the biomom and you can not control the ADULT daughter and her choices in life... The only thing you have the power to control is your reaction to it... and it sounds like if you don't get control of yourself and get it fast you will lose any relationship at all that you have w/ the daughter. Is that what you want?

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Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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"i have discussed this with our daughter plenty of times and it comes down to if you want to spend time with me when mom is around you have to be around mom."

But you are trying to dictate the terms of their relationship. You simply can't do that. She is an adult. End of story. She will make her own choices, be that whether she cheats on her boyfriend, sees her mother, or any other choice she makes. You cannot control her choices. You also need to learn forgiveness. You sound incredibly angry, and although you absolutely have the right to be upset about some things, I feel your level of anger is not healthy or normal. Your need to control these situations is also going to bring you down. You need to learn to let go. She's an adult now. You can be angry at her choices all you like, it will not help the situation.

Kristi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Raye no not married only 19 but she was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with this person and sleeps with one of her teammates which should never happen from a coaches perspective. Let alone having that teammate hit her at a party which again is unforgivable. YOU DONT HIT FRIENDS. And now this girl is her BFF and i dont want that girl around me what so ever. And again i am forced to be around her to be around my daughter so it is a dbl wammy.

Kristi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Raye i have tolerated plenty with biomom since the age of 9 with our daughter but now she is 19 not a kid so i feel i should not have to be put in those situations but i am over and over again. Right now she is acting like her bimom and that hurts when i know she is not that kind of kid and has lost her way. Her cheating on her gf was killing her inside while she was putting on a front for everyone but i knew something was wrong because i can see it in her eyes she got to a breaking point and no parent wants there child to ever get that low a scary low. She is therapy now i guess to deal with guilt i have no idea we really do not talk anymore. I was her rock i have always been and now that is broken into pebbles. I have lost faith in her why? because of all of the lies. She did the same thing in HS i thought that would change in college but it has gotten worse, there is no reason for anyone to lie but people still do it everyday and i do not understand that.

Raye - posted on 05/12/2015

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Kristi, I understand about the cheating. My dad cheated on my mom. I told my husband that cheating would be instant divorce, no negotiation, no counseling. OVER! But in your daughter's case, she at least was not married, correct? I know, the cheating is bad enough. But many kids at her age date multiple partners without thinking too much of it. I hope she had learned from it, and would not carry on with that behavior if she were married. I don't want to make excuses for her and I don't condone that behavior. Just trying to offer a different perspective.

Kristi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Hi Dove i am already doing counseling not helping to much. I am a black and white person and i am supposed to create a grey area for our daughter which i am working on. I am not a forgiving person at all, I have no time for lairs, cheats etc life is to short. But then here is our daughter a lair and a cheat which are two things i would never forgive and yet are forced to. No she didnt cheat on ME but a family friend that i consider one of my own. To watch our daughter intentionally hurt someone i care about is unacceptable. Cheating is a SELFISH ACT and i never thought in a million years our daughter would be capable of doing that and yet she did and her biomom was fully aware of it unlike me. Daughter knew how i would react but finally got her to admit it so everyone knew the truth.

Raye - posted on 05/12/2015

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I had to sit next to the ex-wife-in-law yesterday during my SD's ballet recital. It was the first one bio-mom had ever attended, and my husband had baseball with my SS, so it was also the first time I was "alone" with her. I made small talk and smiled and was nice... all the while seething inside. I told her that her son had been coughing due to allergies, and her response was she hoped she didn't catch anything from him (it's her night to take them tonight, but we'll see if she cancels because of SS's cough). News flash: Allergies aren't contagious! She only thinks about herself, not her kids. So, yeah, I wanted to gouge her eyes out with my bare hands, but I didn't. Because me being mean to the bio mom would hurt the kids too. Me refusing to join in for activities because she would be there would hurt the kids, too. And I never want to hurt them. We are adults, and we have to suck it up and do things we don't want to do for the sake of our kids.

Kristi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Morning Jodi i have discussed this with our daughter plenty of times and it comes down to if you want to spend time with me when mom is around you have to be around mom. If i could put that woman 6 feet in the ground i would. I get so angry when i am around the ex and it has been 7 years but the damage she has done and doing to our daughter i will not let go of. There relationship is a Love/Hate relationship.

Kristi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Raye I understand all of that but how do you deal with the HURT part? Yes we are grown adults but man it hurts like hell.

Raye - posted on 05/12/2015

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If your daughter is 19, she is an adult and should be living her own life. She will make mistakes. I'm sorry, but even though you raised her and she loves you, you are still the step-mom. I am *only* a step-mom (no bio-kids), so I know. Bio parents will always have a special place in the hearts of their children, even when that parent has not been a good parent.

I have been more loving to my step-kids than their real mom since I've been in the picture, but yet things happen where I am reminded of *my place*. My SD was holding my hand on Mother's Day until her real mom walked up to us and she dropped it like a hot potato and acted like she was afraid to get caught showing me affection. Yes, it hurt. But I didn't get all bent out of shape about it. She has loyalty to her mother, however misguided that loyalty is, and I can't really fault her for that.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Ok, you didn't say she was treating you like you don't exist. I think you need to consider that her mum doesn't come to her games often, so it is a treat to have her there. She probably doesn't mean to ignore you, it just happens without her realising it. Kids this age are often quite self-centred (even though they think they aren't) and don't easily walk that mile in your shoes. With regard to your texts, what kind of dialogue are you having where her feelings are being hurt?

Kristi - posted on 05/11/2015

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Do nothing i understand she will make mistakes i expect that but to be treated or not treated with respect and ignored when bio-mom is around hurts and daughter knows that. I dont care that bio-mom is around i do care about being treated like a outsider and my feeling do not matter.

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2015

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Nothing. There is nothing you can do. You do need to accept that your daughter wants her biological mother in her life too and stop getting upset over that. Sure, she may not be a great example, but your daughter is an adult and can make her own choices. She will make mistakes. A lot of kids this age do make mistakes. That is how they learn.

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