1st time mom to be, seeking advice before delivery concerning father

Eve - posted on 03/03/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )




Last year I became pregnant and decided to become married because at the time I thought it was morally correct. Soon after I had a miscarriage and became very depressed (ppd) and was not acting myself. I did not want to have sex with my husband due to being scared of becoming pregnant again and miscarrying because I was under the impression maybe something was not right with my body. My husband emotionally took advantage of me and guilted me into having sex with him. He told his family about our sex life and I felt like a bad wife. I did not want to have sex. But I thought it was my duty to please him. I became pregnant again after the one time giving into his emotional abuse. I was very scared and told him I wanted to have an abortion because I did not know if my body would reject the pregnancy again or not. At this time he told me he was leaving me. He left me with a broken car, no job, 7weeks pregnant and in our rural vacation camp with no running water (we were between apartments at the time). My family took me in and after my first doctors appointment they assured me everything was ok. I told him I wanted to try to keep the baby, but was still very hurt and felt very emotionally abused/raped. My pain was being directed inward and outward making me very sad and aggressive. The first 6 months of my pregnancy were hell. I just wanted time to myself. Eventually I put a protection order on him because of the chronic stress he was causing on me and the baby. I was having panic attacks and constant anxiety. My doctor showed me a dangerous list of how this effects the baby. During the 21 days before court when I finally had time to clear my head I decided to drop the order so we could both attend counseling and he could be involved as we both got help. Instead of taking my feelings into consideration or making an effort he reversed the order with blasphemous lies exploiting my grief threw an incident that happened a year ago right after my miscarriage. So now the restraining order was on me. He has refused to take recognition for his actions and consider how all of this has effected me. He still makes me nervous and I am heartbroken it had to be this way. I have been in counseling searching for ways to forgive and forget but it is not helping. It sickens me that I have to share my child with somebody who peer pressured me into sex when I was weak instead of caring for me. I feel like I was always meant to be used as a baby vending machine to him. After my miscarriage he left and I had a mental breakdown. After hinting I was afraid to continue a pregnancy he said he was divorcing me. And now he says he walked out on me and not our child. I have not talked to him in months and he expects to be at the hospital when I deliver which terrifies me. He also is taking me to court for 50/50 custody and demands I pump milk for the baby to spend nights at his house. I wish I was a forgiving being and could just look past all of this but I cannot. I am hurt beyond words. None of his family has tried to be involved. And I have never received any mercy. I do not know what to do once I deliver and he appears at the hospital. I do not know what kind of rights he has as we are still legally married but separated since August. I do not want to make anymore mistakes I will regret. Please help.


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Sarah - posted on 03/04/2016




You do not have to let him in the delivery room. That is your decision, not his. Tell the nurse you only want (sister, mom) to be there and if he appears he can wait in the waiting area. If he makes a scene, cal hospital security
If you plan on breastfeeding, it is not likely that you will forced to pump and send milk and the baby to him for overnight stays until he is older. File for divorce, child support and a custody arrangement. Unless you can prove him unfit he has as much right as you do to parent the baby. Hang in there, get your family to support you and press on.

Dove - posted on 03/04/2016




Completely agree w/ both of these ladies. He has no right to be w/ you when you give birth as the birth is about YOU... but after the baby is out it becomes solely about the child and the child has the right to know both parents.

Get a lawyer and good luck!

Raye - posted on 03/04/2016




If I were in your shoes, I would follow through on the divorce. If he’s filing for 50/50, then you need to share your concerns with the court, and the judge will decide what rights each of you get. IF the court decides he gets visitation or partial custody, then you need to abide by the court orders. Generally they don’t do overnights at the father’s with a newborn, especially if breastfeeding. But, if the court orders give him visitation where the child wouldn’t be with you during regular feeding times, then you have to think about the best needs of the baby and make a decision to pump or not. It’s not about your husband, it’s about the child. If you want your child to have the benefits of breastmilk, then you should pump, and let the father have the milk to feed the baby during his time.

He is the father of your child. And you do need to swallow some of your anger and try to co-parent with him. I think you are both to blame for your situation. He's an asshole, for sure. But when you miscarried, if you didn't want to get pregnant again, you should have gotten on the pill or IUD or otherwise taken responsibility for birth control. But that's in the past now. You need to start planning for the future and make better decisions. Stay in counseling, get yourself better, and be a good mom.

Jodi - posted on 03/03/2016




First, you do not have to have him at the hospital when you deliver. You can have who you want there, but if you don't want him there, you just inform the hospital and they will have him removed.

Second, you need to get a lawyer. If you are planning on breastfeeding, then 50/50 custody is highly unlikely, as pumping and feeding is not an ideal situation and there is plenty of evidence out there indicating that this may not be for the best. However you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this will most likely be a possibility as the child gets older and no longer requires to be breastfed.

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