2 years

Brittany - posted on 04/26/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone . My daughter whom is 2 bio father is wanting to come into her life. He has never met or help support her in anyway. When he found our I was pregnant he told me I was to get an abortion, after I refused he became verbally abusive to me and even got a little physical , but nothing life threatening. I moved home with my parents bc I was going to needed help.. Her dad pretty much left me to deal with this by myself.. Which I proudly did! He refused to help with essesials for baby like diapers and crib.. He never visited after she was born just asked how she was doing here and there.. Been over 2 years and he requested to stop paying child support( havnt received anything anyway) what do I do? Agree with it or not? I have sol custody and he never showed up for court for that either. If he comes after 2 years and wants to see her what should I do? I don't feel safe bc he never wanted her. I'm scared that he would do something any suggestions

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Brittany - posted on 04/27/2016

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Shawn I already went to court for visitations establishments, and I know the father's rights he chose not to show up for court. Unless he decided he wants visitation rights their had to be another court hearing in his honor if he decides to motion it he will have to take me to court to do so unless I agree without it. Itd not that I don't want him in her life 83rd I'm scared to let him in bc of circumstances. It was not consensual. He asked me not to report it and he would stay clear. But now he's trying to come back into her life bc of the child support with he does not pay but requesting that he doesn't pay at all n wants time 38th her n I fontvfeel comfortable putting her in the hands of someone who didn't want her

Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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As far as child support, you can only report him for non-payment, and they can only take money from wages that are reported to the IRS. If he's working under the table, then they can't take that money. That's all you can do.

If he raped you, that really fucking sucks, and you should have reported it. But that still doesn't give you the right to dictate terms of his involvement with his child. If your court orders say you have sole custody and do not specify his rights for visitation, then you can choose to let him see her or not. He can always take you back to court to change that. And if you've flat-out refused him previously, then that may not look good for you. If your orders say he gets visitation, then he does. It doesn't matter if he only shows up once a year, once a month, or every week. He still has rights. And your child has rights to have a relationship with their father (even a crappy relationship with a crappy father).

I understand you're hurt by him, and you don't want your child hurt by him. But keeping him away could be illegal. Whether or not he pays support doesn't take away his visitation rights. They are legally separate things. He could pay support on-time every time and still not be granted visitation rights. It's all up to the judge and what you can prove against him to show he's a danger to the child.

Consult with a lawyer. Find out what the legal rights you and the father have based on your current orders. Find out what could happen if he fights you in court and if your "evidence" against him is sufficient to place limitations on his involvement. Go the legal route. If you don't then you're putting yourself and your child in even more risk... risk of you LOSING your child to him permanently. It's happened.

One NY study of disputed custody cases showed that 82% of fathers achieved sole custody despite the fact that only 13% had been involved in child care activities prior to divorce/separation from the mother. Moreover, 59% of fathers who won custody litigation had abused the child's mother. Another study of contested custody cases, covering 33 states, showed that 48% of mothers lost custody. Of those, 63% lost custody to a father alleged to be a perpetrator of abuse. Only 35 states provide some laws for termination of a rapist's parental rights, and all except 9 require a rape conviction. Once the rape victim chooses to give birth, the legal focus shifts from her needs to the needs of the child... and in most courts the rulings tend to favor some involvement from both parents.

Dove - posted on 04/27/2016

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So does the court order that you currently have mention visitations? If it does... you follow that until it is amended. Period. It doesn't matter what you feel. What matters is what is legal. If the court order does not state that he has visitations... then you do not have to let him see her and he can take it to court if he wants visits. That is ONLY if the court order you currently have does not stipulate anything for visitations.

Trust me... it's not an easy situation, but it's not your call. I've been dealing w/ a similar situation for 8 years and it's not 'fair' to the kids at all, but that's their life.

I understand that the sex was not consensual and I know how horrible that is... but it's too late to do anything about that now (other than get yourself into some counseling to help heal you emotionally). The fact is that this man is her father and unless the court has completely removed his rights... he has a right to a relationship w/ his child no matter how much it sucks for you.

Dove - posted on 04/27/2016

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You went to court and got sole custody... what do the orders stipulate about visitations? You would follow that order until there is an amended one. If the current order allows for visitations and you are not comfortable w/ that... you take it back to court now and present your evidence on why having them supervised for the time being would be in the child's best interest.

Jodi - posted on 04/27/2016

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1. He is the father and he has rights. If he wants visitation, he can go through the courts to get it, but in the meantime, you have a right to request those visits be supervised. But if you deny him altogether, he could potentially claim parental alienation, and that could jeopardise your custody.

2. You don't drop child support. He doesn't have to help with essentials. But he should be paying child support. If child support is ordered, then you should follow up and have it deducted from his wages. If it isn't ordered, then you need to file through the appropriate channels (court, child support agency, whatever) to get it.

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Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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He did a horrible thing. Your feelings are normal. But acting on those feelings to limit a father and child's rights may not be legal or the best thing for the child. Your daughter will get to the age where she will have questions about her father. How will you answer? Talking bad about her father could harm her just as much as her having a bad relationship with him. Lying about him could harm her when she finds out the truth (and she will). You have to try to find middle ground. There's not really a clear cut path to follow here. There's no A + B = C. Each parent has to try to do their best and hope it's good enough. We've let you know what could happen. It's up to you to do what you think is best and live with the consequences.

Brittany - posted on 04/27/2016

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Thank you ladies I just needed a little advice or views on this from a different perspective appreciate it.. And yes it does I just want wgats best for my daughter is all I dont wanna put her into a forced situation. I'm just scared he will hurt her is all he's mad about child support not about seeing her bc he gasnt made the effort to do so .. Thanks again

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/27/2016

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Did you, when you had the baby, file for custody, support, and arrange visiations? If not, you should have.

If he's wanting to stop child support, he's most likely wanting to up his time with her, and wanting support obligations to reflect that.

You don't have the right to deny his relationship with his daughter, any more than he has the right to deny the child's relationship with you. Period. The child is NOT a pawn. The CHILD has rights.

Brittany - posted on 04/27/2016

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He is going to school to get his ged right now and works under the table for a roofing company. The courrts ask 200 a month from him and he doesn't pay it. I'm trying to go back to college to finshing my nursing. I struggle too.

Brittany - posted on 04/27/2016

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Our relationship was brief I understand where you guys are comming from. Here's the thing it was not consensual when we had sex. I was scared that this whole thing happened. I never reported it to the police bc I was scared I didn't know anyone from this town I moved to for college I had no help or snyone I didn't know what to do... As for child support stuff we had court process and everything he dicided not to show up. So I got sol custody and he has to pay child support but refused to. I told him he could come and see his daughter a few times but he doesn't have a way to get here that's why visitations are out of the question. I can't have someone in her life that's not going to be their for her.. Of he going to be here for her then it's continuous not when he decided it's convenient for him.

Ev - posted on 04/27/2016

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Yep, everything Jodi said and then I have to add a couple things. If you did not get child support ordered then why did you not get custody and visitation set up a long time ago. The child is two years old. Why did you not get something done.

Also, you chose this man to be with and a child resulted regardless if you wanted one or not and now you are stuck with the man for the next several years until she is 18 years old to parent her. Maybe during the last couple of years he has come to realize he does want to be in her life. Why do you feel he does not deserve to?

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