22, flunked out of school and pregnant

Pam - posted on 06/13/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter and I had a blow up last night and I didn't sleep at all. She flunked out of college after wasting 4 years and massive amounts of money. She also announced she's pregnant by her boyfriend of 5 months. She moved in with me but had made no noticeable efforts to find a job, her room is disgusting and I just lost it. I feel bad on so many levels where she is concerned. I can't figure out the fine line between being supportive and being a doormat. She can be manipulative and I know she lies to me. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm rambling and not making a lot of sense. I'm just so disappointed, mentally exhausted, frustrated, sad, mad, and basically hurt. Thanks for listening.

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Michelle - posted on 06/13/2014

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Well at 22 she's an adult so needs to step up and act like one. If she want's to keep the baby then she will have to figure out how to support it.
Let her know that if she stays in your house she will need to help out with the bills and support her child as well. Let her know that you won't be paying for her anymore and if she wants to be an adult she has to act like one and take care of her responsibilities.

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Amanda - posted on 06/15/2014

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Wow, I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I don't yet have older kids, but in this situation I believe that you may need a mediator. If you are comfortable with it, try getting your daughter to come into a session with a family therapist. This person can act as a mediator for talks and make it easier for you to say how you feel to your daughter in a controlled environment.

Grace - posted on 06/13/2014

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Sorry to hear that. It's okay to ramble, I know you're exhausted and it helps when you just let it out. Don't feel too bad about your kid flunking out of school, there are still opportunities for her, but she needs to initiate and find a job. Give her some more time, and pray she bumps her head and start realizing it's time to move on her own feet.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/13/2014

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Isn't it amazing how you can have 2 kids, and they'll be exact polar opposites? I know that feeling, really I do!

No, I really think that these are choices she's made, and she seems to think that you and her dad should continue to fork out, even though she grew out of that age a long time ago.

Like I said, don't beat yourself up. Yes, it's extremely tough to be the tough love parent, especially when your co-parent doesn't offer any type of support to you! She's definitely crossed that fine line between needing support and attempting to walk all over you, and I'm glad you saw that. If her dad wants to buy her, let him. Then, down the road, when he complains that you 'didn't help', you can pull out that contract that she refused to adhere to, and tell him that you didn't think throwing money at her would help, and that she refused the reasonable contract that would have assured your continued involvement.

Hang in there, honey!

Pam - posted on 06/13/2014

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School wasn't pushed on her, she wanted to go. She also has some student loans that will be coming due in 6 months. I don't think she has thought of that either. Thank you for the support and mostly, just validating my feelings. I feel alone in this. I'm so tired if trying with her. My son, who is almost 35 has been very supportive and thinks I'm doing the right thing too. Sometimes I can't believe those 2 kids came from the same gene pool. I am thankful to have whatever support I can get, even if it's from strangers on a forum like this. It's a lonely job being the tough parent 😟

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/13/2014

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Honey, she's made her choices. Most likely, she wasn't interested in schooling, but she was told that if she wanted someone to pay for it, she had to go...which is why she went, but subsequently failed and wasted 4 years and thousands of dollars.

Since she's pregnant, and she wants support, she can sign a contract with you for room & board, and pay you to live there. If she doesn't want to, then, well, you've offered a reasonable compromise for an adult living in their parent's home, so don't beat yourself up.

Continue to let her know that you love her, but that you're not her financial institution, and stand your ground.

Pam - posted on 06/13/2014

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I have laid down the rules and boundaries and she just doesn't get it. Last night I told her she needs to find another place to live. She's going to her Dads I think. He doesn't help the situation because he's as unpredictable as she is. In fact they are very much alike. Instead of all if us talking about it, they both have decided I am not supportive enough and I'm the bad guy. I guess I'm to the point I no longer desire to try and reason with her, or him. I'm just so mentally drained. And there are no words to express my disappointment and anger. Thanks for your reply. I feel so alone.

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