22 year daughter wants me to allow het boyfriend to spend the night

Ali - posted on 11/17/2013 ( 48 moms have responded )

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My 22 year old thinks its ok to have her boyfriend spend the night with her. I said to them I was tired of them disrespecting my homr. She said she would spend the nite at his house if i didn't let him. I told her if that was her choice then she would have to move out . Shebthen took off with him. What should i do. I am so disappointed at het decision.

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Crystal - posted on 11/26/2013

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Perhaps we should work on setting the pieces in place instead of waiting for then to be in disarray. It's called being proactive rather than reactive. Why wait for a problem instead of discouraging one in the first place? Explaining your rules, beliefs and values to a child is not an imposition. It's teaching and guidance. Where else are they going to get it if not from the parents? We're not friends. We're not mentors. We are parents. We have rules. Society has rules. The country has rules. Employers have rules. And children must learn to follow and obey them, regardless of age. This is not about sexuality or shaming. If the girl wants to have sex, that's her decision as an ADULT. But her mother explicitly told her that no boys were allowed to be in her house. And is she supposed to allow a disobedient and disrespectful person in her home forever? If you break rules, you can get your own place where you can have your own rules.

Anna - posted on 11/26/2013

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I know she is trying to impose her views on her daughter. She is disappointed that her daughter went to her boyfriends house.

Her daughter is 22 years old. This makes her an adult in every sense of the way. She is legally an adult. She is biologically an adult. She is neurologically an adult.

We cannot tell her our children what they cannot do. We can raise them as good people and hope that is enough, but in the end we will not always agree with our childrens decisions. She may choose to date a black person or a white person, and you may feel uncomfortable by that. She may decide that she loves women rather than men, or that she loves several people at once and they are all happy about it.

She may decide to be become a Christian, or to stop being one.

All that is her choice. All you can do is to support her, no matter what. Because that is what parents do - we support. We love. And when things will not work out we are there for them to pick up the pieces.

Jayne - posted on 02/01/2014

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Let her go to him, sound like she's going to go to the school of hard knocks, either that or get knocked up! Don't let them spend the night, you start that and you'll never get rid of either one of them! Take it from someone who knows first hand!

Ev - posted on 11/19/2013

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Kerry-The girl is 22 years old. She is an adult not 16 years old. Also, it is the parent's house and if the rules dictate that no one who is not married are not allowed to stay there then that is the rules the family has to follow. Its not okay for him to stay over. My parents would not have allowed me to sleep in the same room with a boyfriend if it was their house after I turned 18. I think you need to rethink this or reread this post.

Jodi - posted on 11/18/2013

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LOL @ Pamela Barker. The girl is 22. How about you give us some tips on how to force a 22 year old to come home to live? You do know that the police will do shit about it, right? I'd even go so far as to think that if you rang the police about it, they would think you were cracked in the head.

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Loraine - posted on 07/06/2017

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no even if they were married I would say no!!!! it's exhibitionism to want your parents to listen to you and your boyfriend OR husband having some kinky trist in your childhood home. HOUSE RULES DONT CHANGE, even if they DO marry DO NOT LET THEM subject you to that sort of thing!! Who cares if theyre married or not?! I ask you other moms who say, "she isn't married," ??? It's a piece of paper -- does that paper allow you to be okay with listening to your baby take a pounding in your own home, when a week before their wedding you wouldn't be???

Sherry Denise - posted on 06/28/2015

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Your daughter is 22 years old, she's grown. She's really old enough to have her own place. You are right to not let her boyfriend stay there.

Barb - posted on 06/28/2015

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What kind of message are we sending to our children when we accept this disrespect in our homes. There is a time and place for things. If her parents are not in agreement of her boyfriend sleeping with their daughter in their house maybe she should grow up and show some respect....not everyone has same beliefs and morals and everyone is entitled to their own. So the parents have their and the daughter can certainly have hers but not in her parents house cause they don't want it. Why would you suggest the parent give up their values in their home. Anna having someone you love is wonderful but it certainly isn't about them sleeping with you in your parents home.... What are you even talking about teaching her daughter. She teaching her daughter !!!!!love is not just about sex...She is teaching her daughter respect!!!! And caring about others, not being selfish...

Angela - posted on 06/21/2014

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Sorry, but I just don’t “get” this post! In the UK where I live, it’s accepted that people are adults when they’re 18. I honestly can’t understand why it’s enough of an issue to post about on here when the daughter in question is TWENTY-TWO years old!!

Firstly I totally understand that this girl’s mother has a right to say what she wants and what she doesn’t want in her own home. And she doesn’t have to have this guy staying the night under her roof.

However, as a young person I NEVER had a boyfriend stopping the night at my parents home. Now my sister did. She was younger than 22 at the time but, hey! This wasn’t about sex but convenience when either the guy or possibly both of them had somewhere to go to the next day and it was easier from where WE lived rather than from where HE lived. Who in their right mind (whether male or female) – and at ANY age - wants to have sex with their partner (yes, even if they’re MARRIED) under their parents’ roof? Hell, not me! Not my sister either – her guy slept on the couch downstairs and neither of them roamed about in the middle of the night.

Also, in Britain, most 22 year olds would be working, even if still at College/University. Many would NOT be living with their parents anyway.

My friends had a 15 year old daughter who “fell in love” with a man 20 years older. She’d never had a boyfriend before. To his credit, he didn’t molest her or in anyway behave improperly. They didn’t even hold hands or kiss. I personally think he was protecting his own reputation. But they exchanged secret love letters. Her mother found one and notified the Police. The Police came to the family home and gave the girl a pep-talk. Said that this kind of relationship or “understanding” that she and this older man had was off-limits when she was under 16. The inferrence being that it was all perfectly OK once she was 16 (although they never actually said those words). She was 15½. The age of sexual consent in the UK is 16.

The family went to a great deal of trouble & expense to move house over 300 miles away. The girl had been raised so she was quite “young” for her age. She never lost her resolve though. I daresay the guy involved would have accepted it if he’d never seen her again. She didn’t write to him or do anything that would make her family suspicious

She asked for money for her 16th birthday. The day after her birthday she was back at her old town, moving in with her man. She came through on the train, the birthday money came in handy for buying the ticket. They were together for a few years, had 4 or 5 children, never married and have now split up. This is the reality of what can happen to a much younger girl. But she’s not so green and innocent now.

If a 22 year old has moved out of the family home and moved in with her boyfriend who is just 2 years older, I would personally be rejoicing. Young people from very sheltered backgrounds don’t fare so well when they’re out in the big, bad world. She’s got to grow up sometime. And experience is the best teacher. I tend to laugh at people who say their son or daughter isn’t “mature” – it’s often because they’ve been sheltered and cossetted by over-protective parents.

She may well return to her parents’ house. If she does so, let’s hope she’s learned a few of life’s lessons and is more mature. I’m sure she WILL be more mature in time – whether or not she goes back to her mother’s home!

[deleted account]

I will add that mine was 24 that year and had been dating the bf for 5 years. And the bf had a difficult drinking dad he had to live with before he got his own apartment. No two situations are alike.

[deleted account]

This can be a very hard thing to deal with, even though some people might think it's simple. I would also like to hear how others respond. Had a similar situation, same age daughter and long time boyfriend who suddenly got a job close to our house and lived a good distance away. I finally just made it uncomfortable enough for him and complained loudly within earshot so he could hear. I compromised because I didn't want my daughter moving to his apartment. I wouldn't let him stay when my younger children were home from college. Finally he stopped. It's hard when you think your daughter will move in with a boyfriend if she doesn't feel "welcome" at your home. I was glad she wasn't playing house with him and cooking for him at his. But on the other hand, she started cooking for him at our house!!!! So then I had to nag them to do their dishes on time and that helped make him tired of coming to our house for lunch and dinner...eventually. Some people are better at this. I am guilty of enjoying their company and being a push over.

Isa - posted on 04/05/2014

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Wow, no need to ask her to move out, by saying "you can spend the night or nights with him is fine, not here at my home", was more than OK.

Claudia - posted on 01/26/2014

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DO NOT ever let your daughter take pictures of her self without clothing or sexy clothings and send it to her boyfriend.
Can cause depressions, embarrasing and break ups.

Claudia - posted on 01/26/2014

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I have seen a video that a mom loses her 18 year old daughter from sexting
Go to YouTube and type mom loses her daughter over sexting. Know more about that video

Claudia - posted on 01/26/2014

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Wow, you should call her to always make sure things are ok while she is in her boyfriends house. Also if they are sexting you should just go to his house to pick her up. Don't have to be disappointed. Lots of ways.I am sorry that this happened.😢

Sharrsheppar - posted on 01/20/2014

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Here what's missing though I don't give a Kyoto if she 30. She still needs to respect her mother. Period.this is why children disrespect parents which is very wrong I don't care if her daughter live on her own. And because their on two different wave lengths. Her daughter needs to act like she has respect for herself and like she still has a mother.

Sharrsheppar - posted on 01/20/2014

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U did the right thing by saying no. Heard why! Because of her age she thinks that's about being able to do what she wants without your consent. Which is a no!no!. So, debts she left and took off with him as long as no harm comes to her.let her bump her head against a brick wall a few times in the real world without mom. This life is hard and don't let anyone tell u otherwise. Being a mother is not a easy job it's work. Let her live on her own 2 feet then see how she survives out there let her experience being dirty. Maybe learned lessons will cause her to appreciate the clean. Continue to pray for her,call her let her know u still love her. But just as u had to learn the hard way yourself. Let her experience this on her own. Maybe she will one day realize she was rushing things too much.

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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Actually, no, she isn't imposing her views on her daughter. She is letting her know what the rules are while her daughter lives under her roof. As long as our children are living in our homes, we have every right to spell out our expectations and rules. If they are adults, and want to live by their own rules, they are adult enough to leave. Just because we let our children know we have certain rules, and if you break them, you find somewhere else to live, doesn't mean we aren't there to support them in their choices. This woman's daughter didn't want to live by her mothers rules in her mother's home. She made her choice, and mum had ever right to her rules. None of this makes her a horrible parent. She has never said she wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces if it doesn't work out.

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2013

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In your opinion. You don't know the cultural background of these people. You haven't even bothered to find out. What a horribly judgmental thing to say to someone.

Anna - posted on 11/26/2013

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Jodi, parents have an obligation to guide their children. This is an obligation - we have to make sure our children are safe and healthy and well, and will develop into good people.

We do not have the right to impose our views on them. If a 22 year old woman wants to spend the night with her boyfriend then that is her right.

Of course you can tell her that you do not want her to spend the night with him at your place. There may be reasons for that. It might trigger a PTSD episode for your, there may be small children around, you might just not like him.

It is your house, and you can tell her that no, you do not wish her to bring him over.

But to tell her that if she spends the time at his place you are going to kick her out? That is not just bad parenting. That is horrible parenting.

If you think she is old enough to move out and live on her own, and if you would like her to move out, then simply tell her. Tell her you want to have the place for yourself again. Tell her that you are tired of her using your home as a hotel.

But to use her sexuality and her feelings for this young man against her is a horrible thing to do to a young woman.

Jodi - posted on 11/25/2013

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Anna, you have your view on sex before marriage, I saw that in your post. However, to call someone a horrible parent because they don't see it the same way as you do doesn't mean your way is right. It just means that you think yours is the only way to parent. You do what is right for your child, and this lady is entitled to decide what is right in her home. Personally, with your 16 year old, I wouldn't allow that in my house because I have young children amongst other things. That doesn't make me a horrible parent or that a horrible decision. If anything, it is probably quite sensible. You don't know why this woman made the decision she did, so you could be a little more supportive that it is her home and her rules.

Crystal - posted on 11/25/2013

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What kind of message is she sending having her adult child shack up in her mother's house? The daughter does not own that home. She is simply using it until she gets her own place. Children today are entirely too disrespectful and I hardly think a 22-year olds relationship is worth a woman bending her values and beliefs in her own home. Supporting a child and appeasing them are two very different things. I praise parents who have rules and stick with them firmly. It's not like the girl is 16. If she wants to act like an adult, then she SHOULD move out and be an adult.

Anna - posted on 11/25/2013

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I find your post really horrible. What sort of sad message are you sending your daughter? That having someone she loves (or at least likes) means disrespecting you?

You would have her move out, because she wants to spend the night at her boyfriends house?

That is horrible! Parents should support their children, not make them feel bad.

Crystal - posted on 11/22/2013

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Good for you. I'm only 24 and quite a few of my friends only recently left their parents houses. I was shocked and disturbed at how many of them were allowed to have boyfriends or girlfriends spend the night without even asking. Completely disrespectful. I would never allow it. Rules are rules. If she wants to go there, so be it. But she also can't expect to go in and out of your house at all times of the night, if that is one of your rules.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/22/2013

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You can trust your daughter, and you can remind yourself that you have taught her well; and even though she makes choices that do not align with your vision of her, she has the values you instilled on her for so many years.
She is 22, four whole years into legal adulthood, babying her or attempting to control her will propell her to go against your wishes.

Having said that, she is not allowed to run YOUR house. If you don't feel comfortable letting her boyfriend sleep over, you are under no olbigation to do so and don't feel guilty about this, these are your rightful boundaries. But realize, as adult, she can also opt to sleep at his place.

Hope that helps :)

Megan - posted on 11/21/2013

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I would stick to your home rules. Yes she is 22its your home your rules. Also at least she did ask instead of sneaking around being at the age she is. That shows she values your opinions and she will come back.

Nieemah - posted on 11/20/2013

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I was in a similar situation. Me and my boyfriend grew up together and been together for years. when i turned 20yr I moved into my own apartment. because my mom passed away and long story short my family wanted me out the house. well although i was a full time student and working full time I managed. Until my boyfriend and i con sieved a child . he was living with his mom taking care of her and i couldn't no longer afford to live on my own so i decided to move in the attic with my dad and grandmother. It is a two family home. but only family live there. although my boyfriend and I had a child , he could NOT stay over dad and my 87yr old grandmother rules lol. I respected their decision. our daughter is now 5yr and we just got married this past July. so now we are renting one of the apartments in the family house and expecting our second child. So don't worry that she left she will be back and realize that it is not easy doing it all on your own. and if she really want the freedom she should get that small apartment on her own!

Theresa - posted on 11/20/2013

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She is not really a kid anymore- and I would rather have my daughter home- NO MATTER what than at his house. At least you know she would be home safe. I would be disappointed to~~ she is trying to break free : (

Natalie - posted on 11/20/2013

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You stick to your rules. It is absolutely not okay for your daughter to have her boyfriend sleep over with her in your house; 22 or otherwise. She might be surprised that it might not be well with his parents either. She doesnt hate you. She may be a little embarrassed because she didnt get her way with you. All children push limits to see how far they can get with their parents. And although she is 22, obviously she isnt grown enough to move out on her own; thus having to follow house rules. If she and her boyfriend are that hot bodied and just cant keep thier hands off of each other, then she should ask him to take her to a hotel or get them an apartment of their own; like grown people do. Or does he not have a job or any self respect....

Gena - posted on 11/19/2013

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Wow i dont really know what to say,i was already married and had a baby when i was 22,but i guess if they didnt respect your house rules then its better they left.She is 22and should be grown up.

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2013

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To whoever responded and then deleted their account, I'm sorry but where did you get the idea that all teens hate their parents? Wow, just wow. Sure, some do, but I've never had that relationship with my teens. I think your assumption to that effect is insulting to teens the world over.

Not to mention that this is not a teen we are talking about anyway.

[deleted account]

lots of ego opinions if you ask me. my kid is 18 and if you want to get along, if you want your daughter around, agree to what she likes with as much ease as you do the likes on facebook. when she has that grandbaby she will still be at home and you will be very happy indeed. many will disagree with me but my baby girl just brought me home a little newborn baby. Yes teens/young adults are hard to deal with, just as babies, but remember ALL TEENS HATE THEIR PARENTS it is customary. Grin and bear it, it will soon be over soon and you won't worry about her having someone over.

Lisa - posted on 11/19/2013

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Do nothing except be happy that your 22 year old grown behind daughter is out of your hair.Trust me,she will get tired of living with her boyfriend and go back home to you eventually.I suggest you tell her though,that she better not come back pregnant or else she will not have the opportunity to live with you again.If she is grown enough to move out with her boyfriend and hve sex with him,she is grown enough to raise a kid with him,at his house,if she gets pregnant.Just enjoy your life now.Don't call her and don't ask her to come back.

Kelly - posted on 11/19/2013

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Funny I just joined and this is the 1st post I see, my 18 year old daughter who still lives at home asked me if she could have a male "friend" stay the night a few nights ago. It actually caught me off guard!
My response was absolutely not. I have other children in the house and what kind of example would that set for them. She then mentioned that I am willing to let her stay the night at a guys house the week before. Uh YA duh! Guess what else I will do!? I will actually let you move out! Hahahaha! If she wants guys to sleep over then it is time to get a place of your own or roommate with someone. She is currently awaiting to go to college early next year and into a dorm so says this is her reasoning for not moving out. I get it but she needs to get it is a huge no in my book of parenting!

Dove - posted on 11/19/2013

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You can't dictate her life, but you can say what is and isn't allowed in your own home. I would have done similar (wouldn't have kicked her out just yet... if ever). I'm sorry. I can imagine this is very hard on you.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/19/2013

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Ali, this is a tough one. Like I have read on here she isn't 16 but I mean it's your call. She is old enough to move out.
She should respect you if you truly think it's that inappropriate

Kerry - posted on 11/19/2013

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I don't want to upset you, and i know it is hard to let go, but she is 22! Thats not even close to being a child any more and a perfectly acceptable age to have her boyfriend sleep over! I'm 20 and catholic and would have already moved out if I hadn't fallen pregnant myself. If you are worried about her sleeping with her partner, wouldn't you rather her do it under your roof than finding other places to do it?

Danicia - posted on 11/19/2013

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@Pamela- what are you on?! she's an adult, the police aren't going to do anything because her daughter is legally her own guardian, smoking pot (even though i don't like the idea) is not going to kill her, and how is spending the night elsewhere going to potentially change her religious views? atheists aren't the worst thing out there, crazy psychos (as your statement makes you sound) are more concerning than pot smoking atheists in my opinion!

Danicia - posted on 11/19/2013

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stick to your guns. your house your rules. if she wants to spend the night with her boy, she can go get her own place or spend the night elsewhere. she is old enough to move out anyways so just keep up the good work!

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2013

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You did the right thing. If they are the rules in your house, she needs to respect them.

Ali - posted on 11/17/2013

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Thank you. Every bit of feedback is very helful to me. Not easy being a single parent.

Ali - posted on 11/17/2013

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Thank you. I will stand my ground. I feel so disrespected by both of them. Mostly hurt by her actions but I understand she's an adult and had the right to do what she wants. She goes to school full time and works less hours than part time. But i know I have to let her go. I really want her to finish school and not end up putting it off because if her bad choices. Her boyfriend has no degree and works at the mall not to mention he's almost 24.

Ali - posted on 11/17/2013

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You are right about her being an adult. I said to her that if she decides to go spend the night at his house that she would have to move out since they want to behave as if they were a married couple. Her boyfriend got involved in the cinversation and wad very dusrespect to me. She then got up and said "fine Im leaving" and took a few things. I told her to think about her what she wad doing cuz could not come back.

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

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It is your house and rules regarding people staying over night. If you could have compromised on it and had him sleep in another room that might have worked but I do not live in your home. She should have understood this since she grew up in this house with you. I would not be disappointed in the choices made here. You told her that he could not stay. She chose to go to his home. She is an adult and can make her own choices. I am sorry to say this.

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