28 Year Old Son Won't Move out - Hubby doesn't agree with me - what to do?

Allie - posted on 08/18/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am at my wits end! Furious is more like it. Background - dh and I have been married for 29 years - three kis - b - 28, b-24, g-18. Middle son finished college, is full time Chef and planning to get married in May of next year, youngest and only daugher just finished high school and starting college in one week to become a teacher or work with kids in some type of setting. Oldest son - has moved out three or four times, always calls us crying that he is either sick or has not money to eat. We paid for him to start college twice and he went one month the first time and quit and didn't even go a week the second time and quit and said "I'm just not smart enough for college". Last time he moved home he was sick - he has asthma really bad sometimes but also smokes! The deal was he could live here six months - its been three years or longer. He has made jokes in front of my side of the family that "he has it made here why would he want to move" and "there is no way he could support a family; talking about getting married and having kids, because he can't even support himself". This makes me furious!
On top of that he has rules - no girls in his room - his "room" is a bedroom downstairs in our basement. He has to use our main kitchen and bathrooms every day for showering, eating, etc. He buys no food, he pays no rent, he doesn't buy soap, laundry detergent, pays nothing on utilities and only cuts the grass when we have to ask him. Other than that he does nothing. He works and has worked in the restuarant business since graduating high school. He claims he can make up to $500-600 or more a week when his tips are good but he never has any money . Sunday through Thursday he doesn't work and just lays around and eats and sleeps all day. He now has a girl friend and she is here all the time - never met her and I've made the rule quite clear she cannot be in his room as its a bedroom and he has a younger sister to set examples for (yeah right) but anyway no girls allowed. Five or more times I've had to tell him to tell her to leave - so they stand in our driveway making out in front of the neighbors. I've even passed this girl walking down my driveway to the mailbox and she has yet to even say "hello". He also has not introduced any of us to her. She has kids or a kid but not sure how old. I'm fed up with his behavior. He doesn't respect me or his Dad and he obviously takes advantage of us. The problem is I would tell him to leave in a heart beat and grow up but his Dad sees it different. He had rather him be here and know he is okay and not starving somewhere. But when he sits and jokes and says "why would I move out when I have it made" to our extended family, to me thats a slap in our faces. I don't want to cause problems between my husband and I but its an ongoing pain in my rear. I stay home, I work from home so I'm seeing this every day, all day long. Now that he is having make out sessions in our yard, its even more disgusting to me that he has no will power or drive to want to do better! Why is he like this and the other two are so ambitious, I just don't get it. His Dad works seven days a week to keep our house going and I work from home. My son's motto is "your not guaranteed another day on this earth so why not enjoy the day you have and not kill yourself doing something you don't want to do". I'm at a loss and I'm tired of being made a fool! He is 28 years old standing in our yard making out with this girl and its just sickening- even his 18 year old sister said its embarrassing for when her friends come over and they are out in the yard all over each other. I want to throw his things to the curb for real! I love him to pieces but I'm not liking him very much these days!
Help!
Allie

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Dove - posted on 09/21/2012

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Why would someone bump up a month old post that has already been 'resolved' just to be a bitch? A tad bit bored and smug today, are we...??

Tamita - posted on 08/18/2012

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Our neighbor across the street from us has a similar problem--but their son is 45!!! He doesn't 'live' with them per se, but he does show up whenever he's broke. When he has no money for gas, he's been known to roll up to the house on a bicycle. The wife is the one that's coddling him; the husband wants him to grow up. He'll give him money ONLY when he does chores around the house, like rake the leaves, fix stuff, help clean up the garage, and not a cent 'til he does. But your son...I'd say boot him out, but if your hubby's not gonna be on the same page, it's not gonna happen, unfortunately. And as for his 'girlfriend'; call the police on her for trespassing! If she's all in and out your house, and she doesn't even so much as say 'hi', and eating your food...call the police! For that, and him doing illegal stuff! That might be the only way to open his eyes...

Dove - posted on 08/18/2012

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Personally I'd be calling the police on him in this case. If he is smoking 'illegal stuff' at your house and you know about it.... YOU will be held liable and could lose your house in a 'drug bust.' That might not be the 'best' approach, but with out help and support from your husband on this... I don't know what else there is for you to here.

Then again... that would probably make things a lot worse with your husband....

I think maybe some family counseling is in order. I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing an adult child to still live at home, but... it is NOT a free ride. There are house rules that would be followed, rent to be paid (yes, cheaper than on your own, but still something to be paid), and a household that still needs to run (so he'd be helping out a LOT). You and your husband need to be on the same page here though or nothing will ever work for any of you and I don't have a clue how to 'make' that happen.

16 Comments

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Sally - posted on 09/21/2012

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@Anne from what I can gather from your post and Allies post is that shes a loving mother who has done her best by her son maybe they have been a bit soft with him but have dealt with it. You sound as though your'd shut the door in your childs face. You are very lucky that you have had no problems to deal with, YET

Anne - posted on 09/21/2012

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Someone had to be honest.

Hand holding and telling people what they want to hear solves nothing.

Anne - posted on 09/21/2012

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Dear Allie,

The truth is, *sigh* the problem is you.

You are so busy being offended by an imaginary slight against your non-existent authority that you have failed to notice your son is a grown man. You want your son to "grow up" but you treat him like a child imposing rules that would only be appropriate if he were a high-school student. You are wrong and frankly acting like a bit of a bitch here. Get over it. Grow up yourself then maybe your son will too. Otherwise, you will lose him and your husband will follow him out the door after realizing what a stunted creature he has married.



Anne- happily married mother of four, all of which are grown, out of the house, and very successful in their respective fields

Jaime - posted on 08/20/2012

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Hang in there, Allie. You're doing the right thing. Your son doesn't see it now, but one day I hope he can think back on this time and realize what an absolute shit he's been to you and your husband. We are always here to listen and chat too, so don't hesitate to bend our ears :)

Allie - posted on 08/20/2012

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Tamita - I agree with you totally! Me and my hubby got married right out of high school and we've been through the worst and the best - but I have to say our worst has been this son's behavior - he's been arrested a few times; twice for pot, once for disturbing the peace/and another pot possession - he and his gf at the time were renting an apartment and neighbors complained when they were arguing. Every time he gets into trouble - he calls home and the last time we didn't even get him out! He had the nerve to call my hubby's sister and she went and got him out which made us even madder at him. Granted he hasn't gotten into any trouble in quite some time - 3 years maybe - but it should have never happened to begin with. So anyways I am a 47 year old woman - I'm not old but I'm not a spring chicken as they say anymore either! The stress is just too much for me. Today he has avoided coming upstairs at all, I don;t even think he has taken a shower today unless it was earlier when I had to leave for awhile. What really gets me the most that he is so immature that he thinks we are the fault for him not having more than he does. I love him to pieces but I can't justify giving him any more money or doing anything else for him. The last time he got an apartment I bought several hundred dollars worth of things, iron, pots and pans, dishes, and took it to him - he has none of it now. I don't know what happend to any of it. I'm just so tired of him trying to make everyone think we have done him so wrong. The first time he moved out he told his friends parents which were also friends of ours that the reason he moved out was because "we couldn't afford for him to live here anymore". The reason he moved out was because we basically threw him out because he had a wild party while we were gone on vacation - people slept in our beds, our computer was comprimised - our password was changed - business computers at that - a brand new leather living room set we just purchased was ruinied from them falling up against the leather and it stretched it out to where it was just ruined. Drinks spilled all over our carpet and walls and he had the nerve to say "you should have known I was going to have a party" and let people stay here at our house while he was at work even that week. :( So I think we have done enough for this kid, he has had way too many chances to make things right with us and he just keeps using us. I told him the last time he moved out we seriously could not afford for him to continue to live with us because he was costing us twice as much as we normally paid for utilities and everything else. On top of him being lazy, he lies and he doesn't think twice about it. He told his last girlfriend that the house (our house) was his, we were just living here until we got older and moved out; basically he was doing us a favor!!!!! SERIOUSLY?? You know its sad that I have to come to a forum to get advice on this and I do feel bad for a tad guilty for talking about my own son, but had it not been for this site a couple days ago I think I would have had a nervous breakdown! So thank you so much for those who responded, you dont know how much I appreciate it! :) I'll let you guys know when the move happens. I think at this point we just need to give him a deadline and be done with everything.

Jaime - posted on 08/20/2012

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Holy shit, thank all the celestial beings for modern technology! Maybe that's what your husband needed to see in order to get it from your perspective. Your son is a fool if he thinks that his "oh poor me" routine is going to continue to shield anyone from the truth. I hope this jogs him into some serious action. You're right, you don't owe him anything but unconditional love and support...which you have cleary given plenty of. Time for Jr. to get a dose of the real world! :)

Dove - posted on 08/19/2012

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I do have to agree with Tamita a bit here as well.... Who the heck would date a 28 year old man who only works two days a week, isn't TRYING to get a better job (that would be a big one), and lives in Mommy and Daddy's basement without being a helpful (another big one) and loving son?!

Dove - posted on 08/19/2012

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That sounds like a big step in the right direction!!! Here's hoping your husband sticks to it!!

Tamita - posted on 08/19/2012

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Well, bravo! I'm glad that your hubby finally saw the light! And for him to be making out in front of his Grandma?? Really?? I find it funny that he actually said how can he develop any relationships! His girl friend must have self-esteem issues to even go out with your son under such a pretense (living in your basement), if you forgive my saying so; that's usually a deal-breaker for a majority of women. And for him to call you a bitch!? Oh, man, you're better than me, I'd have slapped the sh*t outta him if he were my son! Then, I'd have proceeded to throw his clothes out and told him to kick rocks! Then he has the gall to lay the guilt trip on you guys! To that, I'd simply say, "BYE!!"

Allie - posted on 08/19/2012

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Not sure what happend but I had to resign in with another email to get on here - but I'm the one who started the orginal question about my son not moving out.
Today - my mother comes over to visit and my son and his so called girl friend are standing in my front yard (his room is a basement room with seperate driveway) so they are standing down there making out. My Mother comes to the front door and they continue to make out in front of her, never spoke to her or anything. So when she comese in she tells me how embarrassing and disrespectful that is to her and anyone going by our home. While I'm not a big fan of PDA I do understand new relationships and all that stuff but really - in front of my Mother - his Grandmother. So I sent him a text and said "she needs to leave - if you don't have enough respect for my Mother than to make out in front of her you will just have to find another place for you and your lady friend to meet up for your make out sessions". That was the end of my email - this is what my 28 year old son sends back to me "Your ridiculous, can't meet here, I live here, how am I supposed to develop any relationship when I can't even be alone with that person" to which I told him "if you're old enough, mature enough and responsible enough to develop a relationship with someone, then you need to be doing it in your own place, not your parent's basement! What is this girl gonna do when she introduces you to her family, this is my boyfriend, he lives in his parents basement". He just said "thanks" and walked off. Then he sent me this other text that was about laughable "Whatever makes it right in your head, you can say its wrong all you want doesn't mean it is. You're the one with the problem with me being here, no one else has a problem, you say Dad says this or that but I don't believe you so I don't care what you say. I will move out when I get good and ready. You're nothing but a bitch and I did say I have it made here because I do, it would be stupid of me to move out when I don't have to pay for anything or have any debt. Who wants to work all thier life for nothing. I'm moving out soon anyways but you're not gonna tell me when",
So I took my phone and showed it to my husband and my husband went downstairs and said "after working seven days a week, 12 hours a day, the last thing I want to deal with when I come home is grown kids being disrespectful to me or your Mom and I won't put up with it. You can make other arrangements for where you live and you think we are being too hard on you then I'll make a list of everything you owe us for including rent for the past 10 years or so when you have moved out and came back home because you had no money and was about to be evicted because you didn't pay your rent". Enough said I hope - but of course he then goes into the whole sad story of "I hope ya'll are happy that I'm going to be struggling to make it on my own and if you had gave me more time I would be doing better". I just walked off. From the age of 18 he has lived here all of his life but maybe two years total!! I don't feel we owe him anything else!~ :(

Jaime - posted on 08/19/2012

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Allie, I agree with Dove that family counselling might be the route to take. At least with your husband so that he can gain a new perspective on how damaging this situation is for more than just your son. You said so yourself that sometimes you feel like walking out the door instead of dealing with the aftermath of your son's latest antics so that's a HUGE sign right in front of your face telling you that eventually, if it doesn't stop, you might just take that step and leave...and I'm guessing you don't want it to get to that point. I'm sorry you're having such a struggle right now and I truly hope you can find a solution that is helpful for all involved.

Allie - posted on 08/18/2012

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Thanks for the response and I'm saying "Amen" with everything I read in your response! I absolutley agree with everything you said and actually my husband is the one who thinks I have the "hard heart" and even my family see's our son as "oh, he is so sweet' and I'm the one saying but you don't live with him. He's lazy and he is very disrrespectful to me when I am trying to tell him you can't do this or that in this house. My husband is the one I'm having the most problems with. He just does not see it a problem for whatever reason. His solution to everything is "well one day they are gonna be grown and gone and we wom't see them at all anymore most likely and I dont want to regret making them leave".????It makes me furious! We are at a point in our lives where me and hubby are able to spend more time together but at the same time we are constantly having to plan around our 28 year old son coming home and ruining our dinner plans or anything else! Because he has moved out and moved back home so many times, my husband is convince when the time is right he will move out. :( Seriously?? I don't get why he doesn't see how this is not helping our son? On top of it he has continued to smoke stuff that is illegal and I've caught him doing it in our yard. He claims no responsibility for his acitons other than to say - its not a big deal! I told my husband when our names go in the local paper for a pot bust at our home because of our son maybe he will wake up and realize how bad it really is. I don't want problems with my husband but at times I'd almost rather walk out the door myself than to deal with the disrespect. I guess its more about how to convince my husband that its time our son left again for the fifth time. He jokes and calls him our boomerang child - he keeps coming back! I'm not laughing.......:(*

Jaime - posted on 08/18/2012

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If this was a tenant renting out the room in your basement, then you wouldn't even need advice on what to do. That said, I do realize we're talking about your son, however he's not a child, nor is he a teenager...he's a grown man. Your son is taking full advantage of the cushy lifestyle he's been afforded. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why he's the lazy kid, because you will only frustrate yourself more. Bottom line is that your son needs to move out, even if that means he needs a giant shove out the front door, with all of his belongings waiting at the curbside. His actions are wholly disrespectful and considering the opportunities he's been given throughout his life, there's really no excuse for his behaviour. He's a spoiled jerk and he needs a hard dose of tough love. You and your husband have THREE kids that you've worked hard to support. This situation will only get worse for you if it stays this way, because your husband is more concerned about sheltering his son's ego from the big bad world, than helping him move forward in his life...it's called enabling. It's not easy to put this foot down because we're talking about your child and I'm sure it carries all forms of guilt for you to feel so awful, but it's the reality of the situation and it's reached a point where you can no longer ignore the gigantic consequences that are already overwhelming. No doubt that you love him to the ends of the earth, but you aren't doing him any favours by keeping the status quo to keep the peace amongst the majority. You're fed up, so be fed-up and do something about it. Your son might be angry and he might even pull away from you for a while, but that distance will do him and your family a lot of good. It can't be much more of a positive relationship right now anyway, so really you have nothing to lose at this point. I hope you can find a happy medium, Allie. Good luck :)

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