3 children out of an affair by my husband

KYAKUHA - posted on 01/20/2016 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Married for close to 40years, and a mum of 3 adult choldren. My husband had and is still having an affair with the mother of his other 3 children who are now teenagers. He kept them as asecret though I got to lnow about them through rumours.
He is now up in arms that the children need to see where their father stays.
I have cleatarly told him that am not interested in their coming to visit. This is because he is constantly in touch with them and their mother, so i see no reason for them to visit us. Am not sure how to handle this situation because it is straigning our relationship.

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Sarah - posted on 01/20/2016

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Three kids were born to one woman while you were raising three other kids by the same father? What sort of double life was he living? This is way more than an affair, he has a whole second family. I agree, why are you with this man?

Andrea - posted on 01/20/2016

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If you are considering leaving your home, or anything like that, you need to speak to an attorney, or a legal advisor first. Then your next call should be to a counselor, for you. You need advice from someone who can HELP you to make the right decisions, and not just judge you. Good luck, I hope you find the help you need.

Dove - posted on 01/20/2016

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Well... I don't think this is a marriage you should stay in at all... which is what I've been trying to say. I don't see why you wouldn't allow the children to come if you are going to stay w/ a man that has no respect for you anyway. They are your husband's children. Either support your husband and his disrespect and infidelity... or demand better by getting yourself out of that relationship entirely.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/21/2016

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It sounds to me like you have known about this and want it to be kept secret so you could ignore it. Well, now you cannot ignore it any longer. It exists. So you have some options. Allow his children to be part of his life, and your childrens lives since they are brothers and sisters, or leave your marriage. It is your choice. You can accept his second family, or move on. It sounds to me like you have already accepted it blindly, but you don't want to acknowledge it for what it really is. I agree with Dove, counseling may help you figure this out better than a bunch of women on line that don't agree with this and will continue to tell you to leave him when you clearly don't want to. Good luck. This is not something I personally would ever be a part of, but this is your life, your husbands lives, and it involves 6 kids and another mother. Do what will make you happy?

KYAKUHA - posted on 01/21/2016

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Somehow he found the time, because he is home everyy time. Thanks for contribution

Michelle - posted on 01/20/2016

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So the fact that he cheated isn't straining the relationship, just that he keeps in contact with his children?
Sorry but he has no respect for you or your "marriage". He has been doing what he wants for many years and you have allowed. I'm sure if you really thing back there were a lot of signs but you chose to ignore them.
I wonder what he has told his children and mistress about you. Do they know he is married with grown children? How could this other woman carry on and affair knowing that he was married? What lies has he told her?
This is a very screwed up situation.

Amanda - posted on 01/20/2016

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It is never too late to demand respect. He should have a relationship with is children. It is not their fault he made poor decisions. But NO woman should be walked on and lied to. Tough situation, stand your ground! Do what is best for you!

Raye - posted on 01/20/2016

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I agree with Dove. If you heard rumors of the affair, and didn't confront him, then that's the same as you letting it happen. You didn't want to know, because you were content, or afraid to go out on your own, or whatever. So, by your choice, you have come to the point you're at now, which is not being able to deny the situation any longer. it was bound to happen eventually.

If a man has children by someone else, then he should still be in contact with the children, and therefore their mother. If he's sneaking to see his kids, that's not continuing the affair. If he's still sleeping with her, of course that is continuing the affair. Either way, his lying has been disrespectful to you. If he ever cheated (which he obviously did if he has younger kids), that's disrespectful to you. But, as I said, you stayed after you heard the rumors and decided to remain in the dark, so you ALLOWED it to go on.

So, now that you know he wants the kids to visit.. what should you do? You should first decide if you're going to stay with him and continue to allow the behavior. He won't stop. So, if you stay, then accept him, accept the kids, and try to have a happy family. But I think that would be YOU disrespecting YOURSELF. I would leave him, and not have to worry about his other kids or their mother any more.

I'm a step-mom, and I know how hard it is to try to help raise kids that aren't my own. There's drama with the mother. There's all kinds of difficulties. But I knew (mostly) what I was getting into when I married him. You didn't get to choose these kids. The kids didn't get to choose to have a lying, cheating dad. It happened, and you can't put the kids at fault for that. But you can show your husband that you don't approve by leaving. Find some dignity and don't continue to be a doormat now that you know the truth.

KYAKUHA - posted on 01/20/2016

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I appreciate Dove, we continue 2moro, it is time for bed this side of the world.

KYAKUHA - posted on 01/20/2016

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Yes counsellung would be a good idea, but that is pissible for someone willing to get this type of service. The fact that he started by demanding for the childre's visit and not even an apology, leaves alot to be admired. I do agree with you, there is no respect for me from his side.
Dove back to the point, does one just go ahead and allow the visit for the sake of peace?

Dove - posted on 01/20/2016

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Not to him it's not. You said he's still having the affair...? Is that true or did he have the affair years ago and is just around for the children now and not still sleeping w/ their mother?

If he's still actively having an affair... he has no respect for you.
If he hid the affair and the children for years... he has no respect for you.

That's not a marriage. If you are going to still stay w/ this man I recommend a LOT of counseling... for just yourself and the two of you as a couple.

KYAKUHA - posted on 01/20/2016

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My dear thx for the reply, I know it sounds funny but there was no such an agreement, as i said in my post, was hearing it in rumours. And somehow did not think it would come to this. Somehow I expected the children to remain a secret too. Otherwise our marriage is a one wife type of marriage.

Dove - posted on 01/20/2016

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Your husband is still having an affair w/ another woman.... Either you have an open marriage (in which case why not have the kids over) or you HAVE no relationship.

The man you married has been cheating on you (or having an agreed upon extra relationship) for quite near half your marriage... I would think finding out about that would be straining your marriage a bit more than a few children wanting to see their father's other home.

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