30 year old son wants to move back home

Geraldine - posted on 12/12/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My 30 yr old son, whose been living in FL with his girl friend until she threw him out, wants to move back with me. He can't keep a job and is irresponsible. Has had trouble with the law, caught with marijuana. I don't want him living with me because I feel it enables him to mooch off me. I have sent him $$ for cell phone, paying his rent, etc. I'm tapped out. He just called today and I didn't answer because I don't know how to tell him NO. I feel he'll be homeless if I don't say YES. Any advice? HELP!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2013

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Wait one minute. You are still paying for an apartment and cell phone for a 30 year old?????

No wonder he wants to move back home. You're afraid he'll "mooch" off you...I hate to break it to you, but he already IS!

You are now avoiding answering his calls, because you don't know how to tell him no...try this: "Son, I love you, so you are not welcome to move back in to my home. You will need to get yourself on your feet. I am no longer paying your rent, nor am I going to pay for your cell phone. I realize that I've not helped you mature by helping you out with your expenses every month. If you feel the necessity to have a cell phone, please check out the plethora of prepaid options available to you. If you feel that you'll be homeless, please make sure that the shelter you apply to is at least sort of clean. I love you, and I know you can succeed as an adult"

Stop enabling your adult son.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2013

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Let him be homeless. As long as you continue to enable him, he will continue to ask for more. You should have cut the funds off 10 years ago.

Shawnn's suggestion exactly :)

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2013

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LIke Jodi, I do not provide financial support for my kids once they reach adulthood. My 19 yo (eldest) has been on his own for a year almost, and was more than ready to support himself. He started paying his way on the day he graduated HS, first in the form of room & board to me, and then by getting himself prepared for life as a bachelor. (getting a job, keeping it, learning how to budget...)

It's hard, Geraldine, but it's necessary! And, if he can't get it together by now, there's only one person to blame: himself. He's allowed himself to remain dependent on everyone else, rather than just manning up and moving forward.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2013

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We have. He's 30. He is old enough to suck it up. Sorry, but you will not find me supporting my kids when they are 30. I have one who is 21, at university and totally 100% supporting herself in a shared house. No sympathy here. He is mooching off others because that's a learned behaviour. He has to unlearn it. The only way to unlearn it is to pull the plug on the funds. It's amazing what a motivator it is to get a job when you don't have someone else to fall back on.

Geraldine - posted on 12/12/2013

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I called and told him that he can't live with me. I asked what happened to the last job he applied for and he told me he could have the job but can't afford to put gas in his car because he has no money or food. He's been mooching off on of the guys he's living with. I told him to sell his car, computer and cell phone to get money. It's a catch twenty two. I feel guilty about not letting him come home but I don't want him living with me, however I'll never forgive myself if something happens to him. Advice PLEASE!

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