34 years old and 5 weeks pregnant

Jen - posted on 05/13/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hello - I would love to get your thoughts on my situation. I am 34 and have been with a great guy for the past two years. We have talked about marriage but am not financially stable to get a ring, plan marriage, etc (only one of us is financially stable and we would both like to be before moving forward). A week ago, I found out I was pregnant and it was all by accident. We aren't even married yet and we are both starting our new careers (he finished grad school and embarking on a new career and I just got a new promotion/job that will require a lot from me). What do I do? I know timing can never really be right...but this timing is SO not right. I do plan to marry him and we do want kids one day...but I feel like I would be more prepared in about a year or so at 35. What should I do if I don't feel ready at all???

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Ev - posted on 05/13/2016

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Jen Li--I know of a young couple that both had no job, were still in college, and during summer the girl became pregnant. They decided not to return to school and with help from both sides of the families, they had their wedding and got help with the baby. They neither one had any finances at all. No jobs either. They got a lot of help from the daddy's parents for a time. Now she works and he stays at home with the kids and also live with his parents and grandmother. They help each other out with the kids and the grandmother who is ill. It has worked out. So do not tell us that even though your boyfriend does not have enough in the bank to buy a tire that you can not make this happen. You both chose to have sex and not protect from having a baby. In another post you said both his family and yours would back you up and help out. You both have careers where I am sure you are making more than the average joe does. You have time to settle into your promotion and he has some time to get started into his career. If you learn to budget your money, resources, entertainment, food, outings, doctor bills, etc you can make it stretch. If the families willingly help out with watching the baby, you might save in day care costs too. It can be done. You are almost 35 years old. That girl and her now husband were 21 years old when they started out with nothing as far as money and jobs were concerned and bringing a child into the world. If they can do it so can you.

As for a ring...its not so important if you are thinking a diamond ring. They each got a wedding band and no special engagement ring for her and they are happy with that. Also nothing ever goes to plan all the way. Life just does not work this way and I would think you knew that already.

Sorry if this sounds like I am ranting but I am. I think that if two 21 year olds can do it with nothing between them, then you can do it and you have jobs, some sort of income and a place to live of your own and vehicles. You also can pay for food, utilities, clothes and necessities I assume. They had absolutely nothing but for what the parents had been providing for school and summer breaks.

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2016

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Honestly a year is not really going to change things that much. You are 34 yrs old if finances have been unstable then they will be pretty much the same in 1 yr. If you were 22 yrs old then a year might be a little different. You have to decide if you can afford a child or if it would be best to look into adoption. You and your boyfriend need to discuss that.....maybe seek out some birth parent counseling to sort things out and help you figure it out. Crisis pregnancy centers or adoption agencies that do birth parent counseling offer counseling for free no matter if you parent or place.

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2016

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Then maybe you need to look at what financial resources do you have. Will family help out? If so how much? Do you qualify for state aid, WIC, etc. If after looking at what resources you have and you still can't financially then you may need to look into adoption.

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2016

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This really comes down to how you feel about either placing a child for adoption, or terminating a pregnancy. If those are not options, then you are going to parents. While the timing may not be great you do have almost a year to settle in at work and prepare for a child. A ring and a wedding are nice things, but not essential to becoming husband and wife. You cannot predict the future, what if you end this pregnancy and it takes you five years to conceive? You are close to your goals, life has thrown you a surprise but two well educated, employed adults who love each other is a lot better than some of the stories I hear on the site. When you say the timing is so not right; what is missing? If it is mostly concrete things; money, house, ring, then set some goals. If the missing pieces are trust, respect, or differing values; then I'd be more cautious about proceeding. What does he want to do?
To be honest, I think except for my first who was very much panned and desired all of my pregnancies were a bit of a surprise. As surprised as you can be when you have unprotected sex, but still; "wow, another baby, how are we going to manage that?" sort of feeling. Never regretted having any of them. I support your right either way. Good Luck!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2016

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Honestly? I don't think either of you are anywhere near ready for this. You have your head stuck on very material goals, and he cannot support that now, let alone with a child, who adds a HUGE amount to your expenses.

You need to decide whether you can give up some of your materialistic wants in order to support this child. You AND he need to figure out where you are going financially, and whether this will even be feasible at this time.

I wouldn't bring a child in to your mess right now.

Ev - posted on 05/14/2016

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I am also in agreement with Michelle. Material things come and go. Some are important for our living needs and daily needs but things like rings and homes and such we can make due with what we have while having a family.

Michelle - posted on 05/14/2016

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Who cares about a ring?
At 35 your body clock is ticking so you really need to make the choice of starting a family now or waiting and then it's too late.
You seem to be focused on material things. You will get by, most of us have been in the position of not having much at times during our child rearing days. We all got through it.
I have always said that if you wait until you are financially secure to have children you will never have them.
I will also say that a career won't give you the love and joy a child will. A job is a job but bringing another life into this world and being loved unconditionally is something that is priceless.

Jen - posted on 05/13/2016

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The financial stability is a huge issue. The potential dad doesn't even have enough funds in his account to replace a tire!! I can't have a kid when one person can't even pay for his own way!

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2016

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I think every newly pregnant mom has some fears about bringing baby into the world. It is an immense responsibility. While you circumstances aren't what you dreamed they might be, they are far from terrible. You are educated, in a loving relationship, moving towards the goal of having a family. So many babies are surprises or couples anyway. I think you need a little time to warm up to the idea.

Jen - posted on 05/13/2016

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Thank you for the responses...very helpful and eye opening. What we are missing are the physical things like two steady incomes, ring, etc...but we both have a supportive family that will back us up if we need it. I am thankful that he would be a great father. A year ago I said I would be ready in a year and here I am...a year later and not ready. Maybe a year from now I'll also say I'm not ready and next thing you know I can't have one. All these thoughts going thru my head.

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